I just booked my flight for Phoenix. I'm flying out Friday night, October 10, and I'll be home Tuesday afternoon, October 14. 3 full days with Rachel, my female soulmate. It's going to be amazing. We are going 4-wheeling in the mountains, and I'm getting my tattoo.

Today was not completely awful. My kids were not that bad in my classroom. It's just when we leave that there are problems. When I came to pick them up from lunch, the principal told me my class has been banned from the lunch room for the next two weeks. I've never heard of her doing this before. They must have been really bad.

I haven't blogged much for the past few weeks because things have pretty much been monotonous and miserable, at least, during the week. In my principal's words, my class is on "lockdown" and I am the "warden." There is a student who is new to my school who is making things particularly difficult. I don't want to go into too much detail, but this week he tipped over a lunch table and broke another student's arm and got into an all out fistfight with a girl on the stairs. His minor misbehaviors are continuous throughout the day and make me absolutely crazy. And his aunt (who is his guardian) is very present. She came in to observe on Tuesday and had the nerve to give me a lecture on my lack of classroom management skills. The math lesson she observed had gone well in my opinion. Her criticisms? A girl took too long to sharpen her pencil, and a few kids occasionally whispered about topics unrelated to math.

Anyway, I've come home with massive headaches every night for the past few weeks, many of which turn into migraines. I had a panic attack the other night that really sucked. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle those. It's a relatively new problem (brought on by work). Everyone says to concentrate on breathing, but that makes it worse for me; I panic because it just makes me more aware of the fact that I can't breathe.

But I am strong. I look at the tattoo on my ankle to remind me of that (the heart that's been broken down the middle and bound back up again). I will make it through this year and next, and then I will have my reading master's and hopefully a new job in a new district.

Speaking of tattoos, I've been watching the show LA Ink and I just love it. I really want more tattoos, but not like the people that have them everywhere. I love the process of getting them, but I don't like how they look when people have lots of them that are visible. But I would love to get a really intricate one that an artist would have to design for me. I can't wait to get my third one in a few weeks.

This reminds me- I went to see RENT today. (I have a tattoo on my back that says "Measure your life in love.") It wasn't the movie; it was a recording of the last Broadway performance. It was amazing. The acting and singing were phenomenal; as good as (and in some cases, better) than the original cast. RENT always evokes many emotions in me. It brings back many memories, both good and bad. It makes me want things I shouldn't want anymore, and feel so much regret over my past actions. It reminds me of how stupid and naive I once was. When I was 17, I wanted to be just like Mimi. Yes, I wanted to be a heroin-addict stripper. Now, obviously, I respect myself more than that.

Or do I? My hot financial advisor was at my school the other day. I actually had a lot to talk to him about, since I'm switching a lot of my investments to socially responsible mutual funds and that kind of thing. Too bad I have trouble talking to him without my face turning red. And then he and his partner were in the teacher's lounge at lunch, and Michelle and LaJoya started asking me about my eyeshadow and implying that I was especially dressed up that day, and asked him about the Mickey Mouse sweater I wanted (that's another story), and just were generally embarrassing. As soon as we left they started giggling and saying, "Why don't you just go ask him out?" and threatening to do it for me. The scary thing is, they would have done it. And I have a feeling Anthony overheard; sound carries in those halls. I was so so so embarrassed. By the time we got to the gym to pick up our kids, Michelle realized how upset I was. She was apologetic, but wanted to know why I didn't at least flirt. When I finally was honest (he is SO out of my league), she got mad and I got pinched. She pinches the kids all the time, and I think they're big babies about it. I couldn't see how it hurt that bad. Now I know. Anyway, she wrote me a really sweet note about having confidence in myself, and how she would tell me if I was ugly, and that no one's out of my league except maybe Brad Pitt. I love Michelle. It's nice of her to care about my low self-esteem. But at the same time, I don't think it's bad for me to say someone's out of my league; it's just honest.

Anyway, one more thing to talk about. Did everyone see the season premiere of Ugly Betty? Wasn't the ending scene perfect?? I loved seeing Betty dancing around in her new apartment, and I can't wait to see what happens with the guy across the hall. And I can't believe Jim and Pam are finally engaged on The Office! I love how Jim told Pam it would happen when she least expected it, and then it happened when we (the viewers) least expected it.

That's all I have to say about life now. Sorry things are not as exciting as they were a few months ago.

Jen was actually serious when she said yes to doing the Disney Princess Half Marathon with me. Today she mentioned that she has been working with her trainer. This means that I also need to start training. And saving money. Oh crap. Any ideas on how to train?

This weekend was perfection, and, as usual, went by too quickly. Friday night I read a book and went to bed early. Saturday I went apple-picking with Nancy and my mom. It is so funny to me that Nancy comes apple-picking with us when she is actually allergic to apples. She pretty much misses out on all the good stuff- the caramel apples, the apple donuts, the cider, the actual apples... But the place we went to this year had really good fudge, so hopefully that made up for all the apple stuff. On the way to the orchard we stopped at Sonic in Aurora. It's very exciting to know that I won't have to drive 2 hours to get a cherry limeade now! I foresee lots of expeditions to Aurora in the future. The Sonic is also by the outlet mall, and we stopped there on the way back from the orchard. I got some great stuff at Banana Republic.

Last night I finally made it back to DC's. It felt so good to dance again, especially in my boots. I still can't get that hip roll down, though. Oh well. I'm flying out to Phoenix in a few weeks to see Rachel. If anyone can help me, she can.

Today I went over to Jen and Ray's to watch the Bears game. Jen's grandma was there, and it was great to see her. She feels like family; talking to her is like being with my family. Seeing Jen meant that I got to see my adorable Parker as well. Newborns scare me, so I'm still a little nervous around her. But she's getting bigger, so soon I'll be more comfortable with her. I got to see her smile, and it was beautiful.

That's about it for this weekend. Nothing too interesting, but definitely enjoyable. Now I need to start getting ready for this week. I'm going to try to stay positive. I really appreciate everyone's words of encouragement.

was not good. I began the day with a positive attitude. I did yoga and centered myself (and I'm still deliciously sore- I love the yoga!). I prayed. And I actually did stay calm, no matter how unhappy I was. But the fact remains that I am unhappy with 29 students in my class.

It is noisy. I rarely demand silence in my classroom and opt for quiet voices instead. But 29 quiet voices are loud. So one person talks louder in order to be heard, and then everyone is loud. Writing Workshop was a disaster today. I don't know how it's going to work with so many students.

It is crowded. I can barely walk around in my classroom. When we walk through the hall, my line is so long I usually can't see the whole thing. That means that the kids I can't see are misbehaving.

I know I'll get through this. I mean, it's only two more kids than last year. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? But it is. My friend Michelle is just as upset as I am, which actually makes me feel better. She's had more experience, so if she's upset, I know I'm not overreacting.

Last night I had a really nice moment. I listen to the podcast from Mars Hill (Rob Bell's church), and I tell Rachel (my female soulmate) about it a lot. She has listened to a few of them and enjoyed them, even though she's an atheist. She requested more, so I sent her a few in her birthday package. One was where Rob Bell talks about the first verse of Philippians and focuses on the phrase "grace and peace." So last night I'm in bed reading my Bible, worrying (which I am so good at), and all of a sudden I get this text from Rachel saying, "Grace and peace, Erin. :)" This is why I love this girl. It came at the perfect moment. So I'd like to say, Grace and Peace to everyone reading my silly little blog.

I've decided that I need to start getting up a little earlier every morning to do yoga before work. Not only is it a good workout, but it calms me down and keeps me centered as well. And I need all the centering I can get with all the new students I'm getting tomorrow. I'm hoping the yoga will get me through it. That and my bottle of Xanax.

This morning was Day 1 of yoga. It was wonderful. I was feeling completely peaceful when my phone rang, scaring the crap out of me. Michelle was calling to let me know that 94 was closed and advised that I just take Halsted all the way to work. I live at 18th St. I work at 158th St. That's a long way to go on Halsted. It took me an hour and 25 minutes to get to work. On the way there, I stopped at McDonald's for a Diet Coke. They informed me that they had no ice. Then they gave me a regular Coke instead of Diet. Good thing I had done the yoga and was listening to Gospel music. Serenity Now!

I wrote my first referral today. This boy left the classroom without permission. I told his friend he could go to the washroom, and he just walked right out with his friend. It took me a few minutes to realize he was missing. I was about to call security when he strolled back in. He didn't even try to deny what he had done. Silly boy. If he had said, "But Ms. B, you said I could go!" I might have believed him. I'm very forgetful.

I've been recording A Haunting on my dvr. The episode I watched today scared me so bad. There was this well in someone's backyard that was a portal to hell, and this kid got possessed. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. There will definitely be a light on.

Nancy, I will be fine at Bachelor's Grove. Yes, I sound like a big wimp, but I am brave in actual scary situations. I think it's because if everyone else is freaking out, I feel like I have to be the strong one. Ask Nina; she'll confirm this. The only time I freaked out was when we were in Decatur in this haunted cemetery at 3 a.m. with these guys we'd just met and I was pretty drunk. For once, I was the one clutching Nina's arm, and she was like, "Guys, I think we should leave. I can feel her heart beating on my arm." For some reason, alcohol made Nina brave, but made me terrified. Total role reversal. Anyway, I can't wait for Bachelor's Grove.

I woke up this morning still feeling maudlin, which I hate. It's got to be this neverending rain. I finally decided to stop fighting it and just embrace the illogical sadness. I made a playlist of depressing music for my iPod and went out walking in the rain for over an hour. It felt wonderful. There was hardly anyone out, so it was really peaceful. And the people who were out just grinned at me and my craziness. I stopped at a playground and played on the swings for a while. Towards the end of the walk, I started jumping in puddles. By the time I got home, I was completely soaked. But I felt better. Who would have thought that the same thing that has me in such a bad mood could also be the cure?

So I had a perfectly nice day. I woke up at a reasonable hour and finished reading a new book (that was actually really good). Then my little sister came over to watch a movie that I think every young girl should watch: Anne of Green Gables. She loved it. We made chocolate chip cookies too, after I found out she's never baked cookies or eaten cookie dough before. I found out she has also never carved a pumpkin, which will be remedied in the next month or so. She has, however, kissed a boy. A boy down the street, Lil Rock (she doesn't know his real name), walked her home from the store in the rain yesterday. He carried her bags for her and kissed her on the cheek when they got to her house. So sweet, but it better not go beyond kisses on the cheek and holding hands. At least not until she knows his real name. And is like, 21.

Anyway, I came home and watched What Happens in Vegas, which I actually really liked. Then I started thinking about how I really want to go play out in the rain. It's the perfect temperature for it, and there are lots of puddles. When I get ideas like this, I want to act on them right away. There's no waiting around for another day; there's always this now or never feeling. It's been like this forever. Or at least since high school. I remember getting ideas for things I wanted to do, and if my parents said no, or I had no money, or no one else was into the idea, it was like the world was ending. Even at the age of 26, that's still how it is. I want to go puddle jumping, everyone's busy or not in the mood for spontaneity, and I feel like crying. Never mind that it's supposed to rain later this week, or that there will be plenty of other rainy days in my life. When I get an idea, it has to be NOW. And most of my ideas are no fun by yourself. Otherwise, I'd already be out there.

Anyway, I need to get over this idea thing. There's no one to jump in puddles with me, and that should be okay. Sorry for the whining. I'll be better in the morning.

I've been making summer lists of things to do since I was sixteen, but I've never done it for any other season. I thought that maybe I'd be more excited for changing seasons if I had lists of things to accomplish. My friend Nancy and I decided to start working on fall to-do lists. Hers is a bit more focused on self-improvement than mine is, which is admirable. Here's what I have so far:

1. Go apple picking and drink apple cider and eat apple donuts.

2. Go to a corn maze. During the day, not at night. And not a haunted one. And one that's not too big. I learned my lesson last year.

3. Carve a pumpkin for Halloween.

4. Watch the Scariest Places marathon on ABC Family.

5. Go somewhere out in the country to see pretty leaves.

6. Go to Homecoming at Concordia (but only if Jen and Ray come with me).

7. Go to a football game.

8. Go to a haunted house (but only if I have a date to hold my hand).

9. Go to Dan's Candies in Joliet for the best caramel apples ever.

10. Go on the Weird Chicago ghost-hunting tour.

11. Go to Bachelor's Grove.

12. Watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

13. Go to the Legend of Sleepy Hollow reenactment.

Let me know if you'd like to participate in any of these with me.

The students in my district hate our uniform policy (navy blue bottoms, light blue tops), so they are always trying to find ways around it. Today was the most hilarious outfit I've seen yet.

A. was wearing a light blue, collared top and navy blue skirt. But under the skirt she wore thermal pajama bottoms. They were cream colored with pastel stars all over them, and she had them scrunched up around her knees. She wore a cream colored hoodie with a very busy print all over it over her shirt. But since that is against the rules, she put a navy blue sweater over the hoodie so all you could really see was the hood. Remember that episode of friends where Joey gets mad at Chandler and puts on all the clothes in his closet? That's what she looked like.

She was also sporting the newest 6th grade trend: 2 different earrings. The girls must be buying colored earrings in sets. They wear a hoop in one ear, and just a little ball (or would you call that a stud?) in the other ear. It looks ridiculous.

I now know why they wear so many colored earrings. One of my students wrote an article for our classroom magazine. The article advised girls to shop at Claire's, but to only buy colored jewelry. The student went on to explain seriously that the gold and silver jewelry will turn your hands and neck green.

There are 3 sixth grade classes and teachers: me, Michelle, and Lachae. It's Lachae's first year here; her first year teaching was at the middle school last year. Michelle and Lachae have 20 kids in their classes, and I have 19.

I'm a firm believer in the saying, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is." Is that cynical? In my experience, whenever you're completely content with a situation, something goes terribly wrong. Which is what happened today.

I knew our class sizes were ridiculously small. But after four weeks of school, I began to be cautiously optimistic it would stay that way. No such luck. They're getting rid of Lachae's section and splitting up her class between me and Michelle. So on Tuesday, we will each be getting 10 new kids. Lachae is being moved to fourth grade, and the new fourth grade teacher (the girl I'm not crazy about) is being moved to another school. I do feel bad for her. She spent so much time on her classroom, and it looks fabulous. It sucks that she has to move.

I'm too tired to go into the implications of getting 10 new students in my class, but I'm sure you all can imagine. Lack of space. Discipline problems. Additional girl drama. Having to start all over teaching rules and procedures. Trying to get the new kids caught up to where my class is.

And what happens when we inevitably get new students? Usually I start out around 23 kids, but have 27 by October. How big are our classes going to be?

The one positive thing about this is that, since I'll be in overflow (our class size "limit" is 27), I get paid 10% of a first year teacher's salary. So that will be nice. But given the choice between 19 students and $3700? I'd take the 19 students. Money can't make up for the day to day stress of having a ridiculously large class. I mean, I could potentially have like, 35 students by the end of the year. How am I going to do all my one-on-one conferences? What's going to happen to my guided reading groups? Where am I going to put them all?

I'm getting a headache. I need to take another Xanax and go to bed.

Last night I had to do a presentation for my grad class. My partner and I brought in books and had the class level them and come up with ways to introduce them as if they were reading them to their own class. One girl chose a book for primary students called Jobs At All Hours. The title didn't strike me as funny at first. The book seemed innocent enough, showing pictures of firefighters and that kind of thing. But then when she got up to present, it occurred to me what other jobs you might work at all hours. And I started cracking up in front of the class as she introduced the book. Then she mentioned that a lot of our students have parents who work jobs at all hours. I don't know if she was trying to be funny, but I actually had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. Not exactly professional. But that book was hilarious.

Today I bought flowers at the Farmer's Market, and they are making me SO HAPPY. Seriously. It's a little embarrassing how excited I am over a bouquet of flowers. But look how pretty they look on my table:
Anne, I don't know if you can see it, but your Save the Date is there on my fridge. Amber, there's a picture of us from New Year's. Jen and Ray, there are pictures of Parker the day she was born. And Nina, there's a picture right in the middle of the guacamole we made in Florida. Just wanted you all to see how you're represented on my fridge.

The purple flowers smell sooo good. The Cubs game is on in the background of this picture. I watched the Cubs win while cleaning earlier. Tonight I'm hoping to watch the Bears win while I work on lesson plans. I can't imagine a better day. Well, yes I can. Like being at Disney World- that might be a better day. But because of the flowers, today exceeded my expectations.

My 88 year-old Grandma still lives alone. She has very frail bones, which scares all of us because we're afraid of her falling. Friday night, she got up to use the washroom in the middle of the night. Her knee gave out and she fell into the bathtub, breaking 6 ribs.

She did not press the button she wears around her neck in case of situations like this. Instead, she got up, got dressed, and waited till 7 a.m. to call my aunt and ask for a ride to the hospital. She truly is a stubborn old German. I don't think I'd be that strong in that situation. But then, my Grandma's whole life consists of times when she's had to be strong in ways I can't imagine.

Please pray for her. She's in a lot of pain, and this raises questions about her ability to live alone in her house. She really does not want to move into an assisted living place, but this may force her to do so. It would be awful to have your options taken away from you, especially when you're as independent as my Grandma is.

Everyone knows that I heart Rob Bell, the pastor at Mars Hill Church in Michigan. I subscribe to their podcast and listen to all of his sermons. Recently I was listening to this great one called "I do not know." It was talking about how spiritual maturity, and maturity in general, is when your beliefs/convictions trump your wants/feelings. When you have to make a decision, it's not based on what you want, but you do it because it's the right thing to do. Because the right thing to do is definitely not always what we want to do. For example, in all this drama I've had with C, what I wanted to do was make her miserable. But, I believe that Love Wins, so I had to let my beliefs overrule what I wanted.

Rob Bell talks about how this kind of maturity doesn't just apply to our spiritual lives, but to daily life as well. For example, what I want is to sleep in in the morning, but my responsibility to my job doesn't allow me to do that. I feel like I'm really living his words this weekend. What I want is to go to the Sandwich Fair, go hiking, and go to DC's. What I'm actually going to do is read for my class, work on my presentation, work on a project that's due Wednesday, clean my apartment, and work on lesson plans. No time for fun. I know I'll feel good when I'm done with my work and my apartment's clean, but still, sometimes maturity sucks.

This weekend was so nice, yet so different from the fabulous, fun-filled weekends I had all summer.

Friday night I was perfectly content to come home, order a pizza, and read a book I'd been waiting to read all week.

Saturday was spent running errands and doing homework. I went over to Jen and Ray's Saturday night, and we just hung out and talked about politics and all the other things I love talking about with Jen and Ray. Oh, and of course the highlight was seeing my adorable Goddaughter.

I did homework all day Sunday and got almost everything done. Then I met my fabulous friends Sarah and Nancy at the Ale House in Oak Park for some great conversation (and good food as well). It was just nice to see them again; I hate how school makes it hard to see people.

This morning I went to Kristoffer's Cafe and worked on lesson plans. I got so much done. I'm going into this week feeling really calm because I spent all this time getting ahead. I hate turning down plans because I have homework/schoolwork, but I feel so much better when I prioritize.

This afternoon I met Gloria and Whitney for tea at The Drake. Oh, how I love tea at The Drake. (Even though I drink Diet Coke.) The cucumber sandwiches, the harp, the dressing up, the fancy bathrooms, and of course, the great company.

This evening I worked on more stuff for school and watched Gossip Girl, which I am just absolutely in love with. I hate how they market it as being all about sex; that's so tacky. But I love the characters, how none of them are all good or all bad. They're complex and interesting. I'm so excited that Serena and Dan are back together- I was not expecting that! I thought there would be another misunderstanding; I was prepared for disappointment. And I love Chuck Bass. Why is it always the Chucks that are trouble, though? The names Blair was calling him were hilarious. Maybe I'll starting referring to my ex as a Mother-chucker.