Senior year of high school, I was miserable. When I stopped to reflect on my life, I could hardly believe the things I was doing. I joked about my Jiminy Cricket being on vacation; I had no conscience. I didn’t let myself think about my actions. Finally, at the beginning of senior year, I started examining my life and didn’t like what I saw. I was caught up in a lifestyle that I wasn’t happy with, but didn’t know how to get out of without losing all of my friends. I remember talking to Rachel about it, and she assured me that she’d love me no matter what. And, almost ten years later, that has proven to be true. But at the time, I felt trapped.

I remember one day I thought to myself, “Maybe this is all just a dream.” And I started to think about what my life would be like when I woke up. I had this vision of living in an adorable little house in Friendsville, Maryland. I would be an elementary school teacher. It would be a Saturday, and I’d work outside in my yard planting flowers. Some of my students would ride by on their bikes, and I’d invite them in for cookies and lemonade. Then I’d get ready for my hot date with a local firefighter.

When I started fantasizing like this, I realized I needed to make some changes. Obviously, what I really wanted was completely opposite from what I was living. It took me a while to eliminate certain things from my life, and even now, I’m a long way from my metaphorical Friendsville. But life was better, and I stopped thinking that I just wanted to wake up from the dream.

Today, in the midst of the chaos that is my classroom, I suddenly had the thought, “What if this is all just a dream? God, please let it be a dream. I just want to wake up.” Don’t worry; I’m not completely delusional. I know my life isn’t a dream. But the fact that this thought popped into my head made me realize how vastly unhappy I am. Something needs to change. I’ve been saying this for a while now, but I’m not sure what. I’m pretty much stuck until I finish this Master’s. However, I need to figure something out. This can’t be healthy.

A student is being extremely disruptive. You start out by giving him a warning, then a strike. He continues and receives strike 2 (no recess). The behavior continues and he receives strike 3 (behavior essay to be signed by a parent). He refuses to write it. You plan on calling his mom as soon as you have a break. On the way back from lunch, he and some other students are playing in the hall. Since it's just a small group and not the whole class, the rest of the class goes in the classroom and starts a lesson while the kids who were misbehaving stand out in the hall in a line until they can get it together. He and one other boy are there for one hour. A little while later, it's time for recess. This student, of course, has to sit out. He goes to talk to a friend, and you send him to stand against another wall, away from his friends. He looks you in the eye and refuses. You tell him you will be speaking to his mother, and he shrugs. It doesn't bother him because he knows his mom won't do anything. You tell him his options are to follow directions or go to the office. He shrugs again and saunters inside to the office. 2 minutes later, he is back. Apparently both principals are busy. He goes over to his friends and plays around, completely ignoring you.

What can you do? You call his mom as soon as school's out, but she doesn't answer. You leave a message, knowing it won't do any good. This boy has decided that no consequences (or rewards) matter. The principal will deal with the referral tomorrow, but his consequence will most likely be lunch detention, which doesn't affect him at all. Without support from the administration and parents, you're running out of options.

What's really scary is that other students see that he is getting away with this. They think, wow, he can yell at the teacher and refuse to do what she says, and nothing happens except maybe a lunch detention? And they start to copy this behavior. And soon you have a classroom of out of control kids.

I'm living my worst nightmare.

Go see it!!!!! I was afraid it wouldn't be that great (I loved the first one, but wasn't crazy about the second one), but it totally exceeded my expectations. As soon as the first scene started, I was trying not to dance in my seat. The music and dancing were so fun! And I really liked the story; it dealt more with their internal struggles of deciding their futures. There were actually some really sweet moments that brought tears to my eyes. (Yes, I know, I'm a huge NERD.) But it made me reflect on all the really bad decisions I made in high school, and how some of those decisions still affect me. Not that high school would have been just like the movie if I'd made better choices, but still, I wish I could do things over again. Anyway, the movie is super cute, as long as you realize that it's total fantasy. And the romance between Gabriella and Troy is just so sweet. I really loved the waltzing scenes.
Want to hear a funny High School Musical story? Nancy and I were at Hollywood Studios (formerly MGM) last spring break. I had heard there was a High School Musical block party and was dying to go. Nancy's such a good sport, she agreed to go with me. I envisioned a giant party in front of the sorcerer's hat with everyone in the crowd singing and dancing. Well, apparently they changed the location so it was more like the other shows. We waited in line forever, and the only seating in the performance area was on the ground. My excitement was slowly wearing off. I sat down, and Nancy stood behind me. A man started making conversation with her, and he seemed nice enough. Then he asked Nancy if I was her daughter! So insulting on several levels. Do I look that young? Does Nancy look that old?

The show itself ended up being pretty awful, too. I do not recommend it. I felt so bad for making Nancy sit through that.

The rest of yesterday was pretty great as well. Whitney came over and we watched A Haunting and complained about our lives. Khalia and I had lots of fun hanging out. We sang along with the first High School Musical soundtrack on the way to the movie, and after the movie, we went to Sweet Mandy B's for cupcakes. She told me all about the new boy she's going with and how she lets him kiss her on the cheek, but he doesn't try anything else because he knows she won't put up with that. Also, she dumped her last boyfriend because he was boring. She cracks me up.

Anyway, Nina came over later on and we watched Planet Earth while grading papers. Today I have tons more work to do, but then I get to have dinner at Flat Top Grill with two of my favorite girls! All in all, a lovely weekend.

2 weeks ago, I bought the best apples I have ever tasted at the Farmer's Market. Last weekend, I was sad to be out of town on Sunday because I was fiending for those Honey Crisp apples. They tasted like sparkling cider- heavenly.

When I got to the Farmer's Market this morning, there was NO PRODUCE. No flowers, either. I consoled myself with a cinnamon roll from Kristoffer's Cafe. Delicious, but I'd rather have had an apple. How do you have a Farmer's Market with no produce?

I went for a walk this afternoon and the sky looked like that Georgia O'Keefe painting at the Art Institute. I was basking in the beauty of the moment when I almost stepped on a used condom. Ah, city life.

Brian said this to me after we'd only hung out a few times. I was like, "What are you talking about?" Then I told Nina what he said, and she cracked up and said, "Wow, he has you figured out." I'm beginning to wonder if Brian was right.

Dave and Sarah helped me out by taking my car while I was in Phoenix. I called Sarah to check in while I was gone, and she said, "Um, Erin, Dave said your car is really messed up. The engine is skipping, and the sway something or others aren't working right. It's dangerous to drive." F-ing A. And then she wondered how I could not realize that something was so wrong. I'm not a complete crackhead, I promise! I noticed the alignment was off, so I was going to take it in. Eventually.

At least the good news was that I got my pay raise in yesterday's paycheck, so I'll be able to afford whatever's wrong. My plan was to take my car to the Saturn dealership by my work on Thursday. But I got to work and realized I'd forgotten my wallet. (Ok, this sounds really irresponsible, but I don't bring a purse to school, just my tote. So with all the switching back and forth, stuff gets forgotten.) Yesterday I remembered my wallet, got halfway to the Saturn dealership, and realized I didn't have my license. I know I had it when I got on the plane on Tuesday, so it has to be around somewhere. But I tore my apartment apart and couldn't find it. And when I take my car in, I'll probably need a loaner, which I doubt they'll give me without a license.

So then I decided to just go to the DMV this morning and get a new license. I got there at 11:30 (and by the way, the West Side DMV is crazy). The area to get your license was in a little trailer, and they wouldn't let anyone in past 11:50. After waiting in line nervously for 20 minutes, I was in the last group of people to be allowed in. Except when I got to the door, I realized I only had $1 in cash on me and no checkbook. I asked the man at the door if they take Visa, and he said no, just Mastercard, Discover, and American Express. Seriously? Of course, my Mastercard was at home. So I walked away without a license.

Now I'm going to have to wait until Tuesday to go to the DMV, and I'm really nervous about diving my car, and also wondering how much this is going to cost me. My car is only 2 years old; I don't understand how it could have anything seriously wrong with it.

Anyway, this whole situation is ridiculous. Nothing is ever easy for me. I'm beginning to see what Brian met. Most normal people would already have their car fixed by now. Why does everything have to be such an ordeal?

Friday

I arrived in Phoenix at 11:20 p.m. I have always loved airport reunions, even before I saw Love Actually (one of the best movies ever). I don't usually have people to run and hug, so it was nice to have this for once. Rachel and I couldn't believe we hadn't seen each other in 10 months. We had a drink at a bar, and she took me to my hotel.

Saturday

We got tattoos!

Rachel's flying pig:









My Hebrew symbol for grace


The guy who did our tattoos was really cool; he even touched one of mine up for free.

We hung out for a while, then went over to Rachel's new boy's house, where he cooked us dinner. Then we went downtown to dance to house music. Definitely not my scene, but even my untrained ear could recognize the talent of the DJ. What was cool was that no one got all sloppy drunk. Rachel's boy had the most to drink all night, and he only had two drinks. It was refreshing.

Sunday

We went out to lunch at Islands, where Rachel works as a waitress. Then we went hiking at Dreamy Draw.




Sunday night, Rachel had a bonfire at her house with s'mores and apple cider. The weather was actually really cool, it was perfect. I was not expecting to be so cold the whole time I was in Phoenix. Anyway, I really liked all of Rachel's friends.
















Monday

Rachel and I went to a ghost town out by Superstition Mountain.

We went on a train tour around the town, during which our tour guide told us about mysteries surrounding the mountain. He started telling us about lizard people that were rumored to live there, and his musings were hilarious- "I don't know what lizard people would look like... maybe their top is lizard and their bottom is human... maybe their top is human and their bottom is lizard... maybe their right half is lizard and their left half is human..." He went on and on in this deadpan voice, and no one seemed to get how funny he was besides me and Rachel.

Monday night I did a little shopping at my favorite store, Dillards, while Rachel had to work. Then we went to this really cute wine bar.

All in all, a lovely weekend. I really did not want to come home. I miss Rachel, and I kinda hate my life right now. Wednesday and Thursday were two of the worst teaching days ever, although I feel like I say that every week. Anyway, I had a great time in Phoenix and can't wait to go back!

Rachel had to work last night, so I spent some time at Borders. I came across a book called "Who's Your City?" by Richard Florida. It was about the importance of location. Our society is increasingly mobile; we move all the time. So it would stand to reason that you should live in certain places if you want certain things. Obviously, some cities are going to be better than others in terms of careers. But what about social lives? For many people (including me), getting married is a priority. But what if your location is preventing that?

For a while now, I've been bemoaning the fact that it is so difficult to meet guys, especially guys who are not losers. Richard Florida had a map of the U.S. in his book that showed how many more women than men (and vice versa) live in major cities in the U.S. And in Chicago, there are so many less single men than women. It's not my imagination! Women on the East Coast have it the worst, especially New York. So I no longer plan on moving to the East Coast. Apparently, there are many more men than women out west. The cities with the biggest differences between men and women include Dallas, Austin, Houston, Denver, Phoenix, San Diego, LA, and Seattle.

I couldn't live in Dallas. Cortnee calls it the city of the $60,000 millionaire; it is so pretentious. I wasn't a huge fan of Houston, either. I've never been to Austin, but I just don't think I could live in Texas; I want someplace with seasons, but not too cold of a winter. Denver might be kind of cool. I've never been there, but it would be nice to live by the mountains. As I mentioned before, I could never live in Phoenix with all the brown and the crazy heat. San Diego and LA are out as well; I don't want to live in California. I've been to Seattle and absolutely loved it, but it's really far from home.

After looking at this list, I realized the only two places I could live would be Seattle or Denver. Of course, the other factor is how well teachers are paid. It looks like Seattle teachers do pretty well. I haven't looked into Denver teachers yet.

Moving to Denver or Seattle would be a huge step for me. If I lived in Seattle, I'd never see my parents. They hate flying, and that's a really long drive. Also, I don't know anyone in either city. (Although my friend's older sister lives in Seattle, and she's always talking about the surplus of single men up there. Maybe she could show me around.)

There is much to think about, but as I have said before, I will definitely not be back at my school next year. Would I be completely crazy to move based on demographics? If getting married is such a priority to me, shouldn't I treat it as such?

I will write about Phoenix tomorrow. It was amazing and so great to be with one of my favorite people in the world. I will say this, though- I could never live in Phoenix. There is no green! People have rocks instead of grass!!!! I was so excited to drive Sarah home to Hyde Park today and admire all the green as well as the changing leaves. I wanted to roll around in the grass.

Anyway, Rachel's friends introduced me to these videos the other day. I laughed so hard it hurt. I've never heard anyone out here reference them (unlike Old Greg), so I thought I'd share them here.





My brother also told me to look up "Condi Rice Goes Nuts" on YouTube. It's pretty freaking hilarious, but I'm not posting it here because of all the cursing.

Sorry I haven't been blogging much. I'm a mess. Here is the situation with my classroom.

I put the kids on "lockdown" at the suggestion of many other teachers, including my principal. This goes against my instincts, because I don't see how that's going to encourage positive behavior. On the other hand, you can't reward consistently negative behavior. And I can't teach if students are misbehaving. So the past two weeks have been silent work and not much teaching.

They behave, for the most part, during silent work. They sit quietly and do their work. But as soon as we try to transition to something else, it's chaos and it takes a while to get them all settled and focused again. The lessons I did try to teach were not successful. If I ask a question, everyone yells out answers. Or, if I call on someone, everyone else starts talking. This happens despite frequent reviews of the rules and procedures for class discussions. I finally told my class that we're going to go watch the kindergartners, because they do a better job of taking turns and raising their hands.

I was told that while my class is on lockdown, I should send students to the office and call parents. The students who give me the most problems do not care when I call home. And no one seems to be bothered by being sent to the office. They know there will be no real consequences. When I write up referrals, the principals just call home. Like I haven't already tried that?

So two weeks of silent work has been unsuccessful. Everyone said they'd crack after a day or two, but they haven't. They've lost recess. They've lost lunch. (They have silent lunch in the library for two weeks. The principal sits there and babysits them. On Thursday, she asked, "How many of you like this?" Most of my class raised their hands. One boy commented, "It's nice and quiet in here.") They've written essays about the school rules. Because of their inability to follow directions, the computer teacher hasn't allowed them on the computers, and the art teacher stopped doing art projects with them and is just making them copy out of art history books. They get kicked out of the library on a weekly basis. Every day, I talk to them about how their choices are determining what we do. I tell them that if they show me they can follow directions, the next day we will go back to normal (group work, playing games, Writer's Workshop, etc.) Despite having lost everything, they still won't behave.

Besides all these negative consequences, I give tons of rewards. I give out Caught You Being Good raffle tickets. I punch their punch cards (when they get enough, they can earn a homework pass or another treat). I give them specific, genuine praise when they do something right. I call parents and write positive notes home. I give special classroom privileges. I let them compete for points, and the winning group gets seat cushions on their chairs for a week. I give candy treats. One morning I brought in Dunkin Donuts for all the kids who'd had no strikes the day before. I try to have recess. (They were good one day last week, so we went outside, but then they all started hitting, kicking, and tackling each other, so they lost recess for the week.)

The problem is that there are too many kids who misbehave. I only have about 5 kids who are hardcore discipline problems. The main issue is all the talking, which never seems to stop, and you can never catch everybody. You may catch one or two kids, and then they get upset because, "So and so was talking too!" so then they're angry that you're picking on them. It's just too many kids in too small of a space.

So anyway, that was way too long of an explanation of what's been happening. Here's what I'm trying this week. I'm going to go back to my normal teaching style. Tomorrow we're going to do our usual Monday vocabulary activity, play a math game, select literature circle books, and go out for recess. But if a student messes up even once, they are sent given worksheets to complete silently. What do you all think? Will this work? Is this what I should do? I feel that it's unethical to just keep on not teaching. But if they're not listening and following directions, I'm not really getting anything accomplished anyway.

I came to a decision this weekend: I will not be at this school next year. Right now, our class size limit is 27. So if a class exceeds that, we have to consent to it and are given 10% of a first year teacher's salary. I think this has helped, at least a little, to keep class sizes down. Our contract, however, is up at the end of this year. I'm friends with the lady in charge of negotiations, and according to her, the superintendent said that this was the only contract where we would get that overflow money. She has stated that she doesn't believe class size effects student achievement. So we will definitely not have class size limits next year. This means that next year will be just like this year: too many kids in too small of a space, all sorts of behavior problems (with no real consequences given by the administration), and me teaching all subjects. Like the other 6th grade teacher said, we'd be better off at the middle school. Yes, the students' behavior tends to be worse over there (there was a stabbing just last week), but there are advantages. It's block scheduling, so you only see your students three days a week for 90 minutes. And you are only writing lesson plans for one subject instead of five each day.

If I don't go to the middle school, I will go somewhere else. Not sure where yet, just somewhere different. I have to consider my master's program, which I'll still have another year of. Although I could always transfer to another school. All I know is that I can't take another year of this. I would definitely be open to suggestions about where I should go and what I should do.

Go see this movie! It was great! Laugh out loud funny, and really sweet. It reminds me of classics such as Can't Hardly Wait and Empire Records. My friends and I had many nights that were similar to the one in the movie, and it made me miss that. Perhaps I will put that on my list of things to do- have crazy adventure nights just like high school. Although the problem with that is that you never plan those nights; they just happen.

Anyway, I want to say more, but I don't want to give anything away. So just go see it! But don't bring young children with you. I was a little surprised by the PG-13 rating. I took my little sister, and I just kept hoping the jokes were going over her head. Nina tried to say, "Well, they're going to watch that kind of thing anyway, and it's good to watch with an adult..." but I don't really want to explain the meaning of the phrase "balls deep" to an 11-year-old.