Christmas decorations: done.

Last Sunday night I got to go to my first Bears game. Khalia and I won tickets through a raffle at Big Brothers Big Sisters, and we were in the SECOND ROW. It was amazing. We were so close we could smell the turf. It felt so intimate, like we were just hanging out watching some guys play football. It all looked so small, too. On TV, the goal posts look so big; you wonder how the players can miss field goals. But in person, I wondered how they EVER make field goals. The whole field felt so tiny.

Here's when they were running out onto the field.


Here's when they were walking back into the locker rooms for halftime.


Random shots from the game:




Of course, the pics don't do it justice. The Bears ended up losing, but it was still amazing. I hope we get to go again sometime.

Well, there were no fires this year, so, you know, that was good. We just have a lot of fun together. I'm so lucky to have a family with no crazy drama. My grandma and aunt argue, but it's just because my aunt worries and my grandma is stubborn and independent. And they make funny faces behind each other's backs, and the best part is that the faces they make are pretty much identical.

This year, as usual, we had tons of delicious food, and I didn't count Weight Watchers points at all. Andy was at his girlfriend's parents' house and missed dinner, but they managed to make it back in time for dessert. (There were 7 pies for just the 10 of us!) I was so glad they joined us; it wasn't the same without Andy and Jen.


Katie brought Apples to Apples, which we had a blast playing. Michael shared some hilarious YouTube videos with me. (I finally understand the whole joke about being on a boat!) It was just a really nice day.




So now we officially start the holiday season. I'm so ahead of the game, it's kind of crazy... Christmas shopping is almost done, Christmas cards are almost done... most of my gifts are even wrapped. I just have a few more things to pick up, and I know exactly what I need. Also, I need to bake about a million cookies, but I may do that this weekend and freeze them till I need them. If only I put this much enthusiasm into homework...

Freshman year of college, my friends and I began a tradition. We were all home for Thanksgiving, and that Wednesday night we all gathered at my friend Dave's house. We wanted to go out to eat, but it was late, so we decided to cook. And it became a very ambitious meal that required a lot of time and preparation. The preparation was the best part- Tim was throwing pasta at the walls to see if it was cooked, Nina had an incident where she shook a Ziploc baggie that wasn't closed, and its contents went flying all over the kitchen... Finally, around 1 a.m., we sat down to eat in the dining room. It was very formal compared to what we were used to, and just perfectly wonderful. I'll never forget sitting there at the table, thinking how lucky I was to have these people in my life. It was me, Nina, Tim, Rachel A., and Dave.

Things have changed a lot since then. Dave no longer dates Rachel A. (and I no longer talk to her). Tim died. Dave married Sarah, who is part of the family now. And the gatherings expanded to include Ken and Rachel W., who for some reason weren't there that first night, but are just as much part of our little family. But we still do the same thing every year. This year, some of us had plans on Wednesday, so we decided to have the dinner party last night instead. This was actually probably a better idea, because by Thursday, we wouldn't want to even look at food after the massive meal the night before, and we'd be tired from staying up so late (it seems like we never sit down to eat until midnight at least).

Last night was not as fun as previous years, but it was still nice. Ken hosted, and me, Nina, Adam (her boyfriend), Dave, and Sarah were the guests. Ken is on a lot of painkillers because of his recent surgery, so he was a little off last night. I got there at 7:30, right on time, and he said he was running about a half hour behind. 5 hours later, we sat down to eat. I was so tired and not feeling well, by that point, I couldn't even eat. Thank God he had lots of appetizers; that was pretty much my meal. But it was still great to spend time with everyone. I'm so glad we make this a priority every year.

Nina, Ken, and Adam working in the kitchen.


Sarah is wearing fabulous shoes.


Sarah and Nina


The amazing gluten-free cake Sarah made

Oh my gosh, I can't freaking wait for tomorrow.

I've been rereading the book this week to prepare. I'm actually kind of nervous to see the movie; this book is so dark. It's hard to read because Bella's pain is so real to me. (I think that shows what a great writer Stephenie Meyer is.) Most of us have been through bad break-ups, and she captures that so well. When I broke up with CTF, I took Nyquil all the time so I could just sleep and not deal with reality. Reading New Moon brings back all those memories. And the way Bella does so much dangerous stuff just to hear Edward's voice? It is messed up, but I totally understand it. When I read this book, I desperately want to get on a motorcycle.

I also fall in love with Jacob a little more each time I read it. I love how attuned he is to Bella, like the part where they're in the car, and Mike asks him to turn on some music, and he replies that Bella doesn't like music. He just notices every little thing about her, even how she wraps her arm around herself to hold herself together. (I really hope that's in the movie.) Jacob is such an amazing friend, and as I read, my heart breaks just like Bella's because she can't love him more than that.

I am way too attached to fictional characters.

Tim has been on my mind a lot this week, for obvious reasons. I actually started blogging with consistency not long after he died, but I never wrote about it. So here is Tim's story.

(Tim and CTF (my ex) on our trip to Yosemite.)

Tim started dating Nina senior year of high school. He was in the Navy and stationed at Great Lakes, and they met at a party. Tim was in the Navy because he got caught breaking into a car in a police station parking lot, trying to steal money to buy meth. This was in a small town in California, so the police gave him the option of the military or jail.

When he met Nina, he was still partying and doing drugs, but staying away from meth. At the end of senior year, he was stationed in Virginia, and Nina followed him out there for the summer. It was during this time that he did meth again, had a random drug test, and was kicked out of the Navy. Nina brought him home with her, and he moved in with her family. He got a job, went to school, and was basically part of Nina's family. Her parents loved him like their own son.

I was pregnant during this time, and Tim was so good to me. We didn't know each other too well before he actually came to live with Nina, but he quickly became one of my best friends. I still remember how, when I was in the hospital with kidney stones (for the second time!), Tim and Nina came to visit and just sat with me for several hours. I was in too much pain to talk, but they seemed to know I just needed someone to be there.

The next few years got pretty crazy. Tim's drug problem never fully went away. You would think he was doing better, and then realize he was using again. This time it was heroin. His problem was out of control, and I know it was an awful time for Nina. Finally, they broke up and he moved back to California. It was like he dropped off the face of the earth. I didn't really talk to him during this time, but every time Nina heard from him, it was him asking for money or talking about drugs. Eventually he called me and said he really wanted to change. I missed him so much and desperately wanted to help, so I told him he could come stay with me. (At this point, it was my first year teaching and I was living up on the North Side with Jen.) This ended up being a nightmare. I told him no drugs, and the night he got there he took out some pot, saying he'd brought it for me. (I don't smoke pot.) I knew things weren't going to work. The other problem was that he was crazy. He wasn't Tim anymore. Drugs had destroyed his brain. There was no rationality to his thought processes. I knew then I was in over my head and didn't know what to do. He was there for maybe a week, and I realized he wasn't going to go out and get a job like normal people; there was no possibility for a normal life anymore. With Jen's help, I told him he had to leave. This was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I will never forget the scene as he left my apartment that day. He told Jen it was nice to meet her and thanked her for letting him stay. Then he looked at me and told me he never wanted to see me again. That was the last time I saw him.

(Me, Nina, CTF, and Tim- they came to see me in The Music Man.)

My friends and I said at the time that Tim would end up in jail or dead, and that was the truth. On New Year's Eve, 2007, Nina got the news that Tim had died. He jumped off a building out in California. The situation is kind of confusing; apparently he was running from a security guard or something, and there were buildings he could have jumped onto on three other sides. So it is unclear if he meant to commit suicide, or was just trying to jump. Also, this is the story as I remember it from the night Nina told me. We haven't talked about it since, so I could be wrong on some of the details. But regardless of the situation, Tim is no longer with us. The really sad thing is that the real Tim had died a long time before that.

Just hearing the facts, Tim does not sound like the greatest person. But I loved him so much. You know when you're lucky enough to be friends with someone who just completely gets you? Who loves you at your best and your worst, who understands who you are deep down, and opens himself up to you in the same way? That was who Tim was to me. Tim was my friend during one of the most difficult periods in my life. He was such a kind, loving person who had so much potential. If it hadn't been for the drugs, he could have done so many things with his life. He was smart and funny and just so charming and likeable. And he made my heart ache because he hadn't had an easy life (obviously that drug use started for a reason), and he seemed so lost. We would have these long discussions about my faith, and I felt like he was starting to believe that there was a God who loved him. I prayed for him so much, because if anyone needed to feel God's love, it was Tim.

One of my favorite memories with him was when we went to see Basement Jaxx. It was definitely one of the best concerts I've ever been to. I don't dance (unless it's line dancing, which I didn't do back then), but at this concert, I couldn't help it. I kind of broke away from the group and just did my thing. I'll never forget Tim pointing his finger at me after the show and saying, "I saw you dancing..." So listening to Basement Jaxx, especially Red Alert, reminds me of him. Even more so now because of the drama with Ryan. So over the past week or so, when it comes up on my working-out playlist at the gym, I get a huge burst of energy and a big grin on my face and think of Tim. I miss him, but I know he is in a much more peaceful place.

(This is Tim pretending to surf at the murder mystery dinner party I had in college.)

**Sorry I don't know how to scan and crop pictures properly.

It's kind of ironic; Ryan just shared that saying with me a few weeks ago about how there are three sides to a story- your side, my side, and the truth.

My side of the story is what I blogged about earlier this week. Ryan said things that upset me. Specifically, he analyzed all the reasons why my tattoo sucks and told me that if he saw me at a bar, no matter how cute I was, that tattoo would be a deal breaker. On and on. He started in on my petunia one, too. My thought on this is that a tattoo is really personal, so it's pretty terrible to criticize someone else's. Insulting my weight would actually have been better; that's not something I chose, and it's something I can change. I was upset enough about the tattoo comments that I went home and ordered the Kat Von D tattoo concealer (which, by the way, is very disappointing). I'm very self-conscious now. The other obvious thing I was upset about was him repeatedly saying (about my friend Tim, who committed suicide), "F- him, what a F-ing retard, were his brains like, splattered all over the sidewalk?" When I told him to stop, he should have. I warned him I was going to throw my beer, and he kept going, so I threw it, and I'm not sorry about that. I wish I would've dumped it all over his head instead of just throwing a little bit. But I honestly felt bad about the computer, apologized repeatedly, offered to pay for repairs, and offered to wash his clothes and couch. (I really regret that second part, but I'm not good at being mean and sticking with it.) After he threw my phone and broke it, I started to cry, and he just let me walk out and slammed the door behind me. This is my side of the story.

His side of the story is completely different. He told Nancy he didn't say anything about Tim's suicide and accused me of being a drama queen by bringing it up. He says he rarely mentions anything about my tattoo. He sees me as this crazy bitch who flipped out for no apparent reason and messed up his computer, forcing him to have a very embarrassing conversation with his VP at work. He sees me not talking to him as another drama queen move. The way Ryan sees me makes me feel physically ill. I think I felt better about things when I had no idea what he was thinking. But knowing that he thinks that makes me question myself and wonder if his perception is true. (Although I know it's not; it's not like I imagined the things he said.)

The truth is, I'm sure, somewhere in the middle. I've tried to be objective enough to see that. He said some awful things. But I was drunk, and I'm sure I was being really annoying and rambling about Tim, which he did not want to listen to. Throwing the beer was immature and out-of-control, but so was the throwing of my phone. And throwing the phone seems worse to me, because the beer thing was an impulse for which I was instantly sorry. He threw the phone, I started to cry, and he got up and got it, sat back down on the couch, and threw it again. He still hasn't apologized.

So even looking at the situation objectively, he still owes me an apology, right? It's not awful and childish of me to not talk to him, is it? I had a great week where I didn't even think about it much, but after hearing what he told Nancy last night, I need validation.

I also need to stop thinking about it. But it's hard tonight. I am sitting on my couch, watching Super Nanny and writing lesson plans. I spent the day at work, doing stuff for that committee I'm on. Originally, I wanted to go to Second City tonight. Last week I asked Ryan if he wanted to get a group of people together and go out to dinner and Second City, and he wasn't sure because he had a lot going on this weekend. But last night he told Nancy he was going to Second City tonight. I was replaced, just like he said I'd be. I wonder if he followed through and also replaced me for brunch today? I hate that he is out doing what I wanted to do, while I'm at home. It's a crappy feeling.

Sarah and I both saw The Mint Julep Bistro on Check, Please last week and knew we had to go. It was soooo worth the trip to Palatine.

We both ordered Mint Juleps, since that's the specialty. I'm not a fan of mint drinks, but these, I could handle. So refreshing- it made me wish I was actually in the South, sipping one of these on my porch on a hot summer day.



For my meal, I had fried green tomatoes (the best I've ever had) and a side salad, which was excellent. I really didn't think a side salad could be anything spectacular, but it was. And, the waitress only charged me $1.50 for it! Cheaper than McDonald's.

Sarah couldn't decide what she wanted, and finally settled on fried green tomatoes and stuffed dates. She mentioned to our waitress that she wanted to try the Butternut Squash Soup, but that would be too much food. The waitress said she'd bring her a little taste, and this is what she brought:


Then, of course, we had to try dessert. Sarah had these chocolate strawberry crepes, and I had the peach cobbler. Once again, best I've ever had.



I love this restaurant. Everyone should go here. Service was excellent (one of the owners even came out and chatted with us for a while), prices were good, and the food was heavenly.

Yesterday morning, I didn't know how to feel. But I've settled on anger. I called my brother yesterday to get his opinion, since he is only a year younger than Ryan, and I figured their maturity levels would be about the same. My brother is hilarious and awesome and was right about a lot of things. First of all, he didn't think the situation was totally crazy, because he (and most of his friends) have all had crazy fits like that when they're drunk. But, as he pointed out, that's not something I've ever done, so it worried him that this guy was making me act like that. He was mad at me for apologizing to Ryan at all. According to Andy, we both broke each other's stuff, so we were even. And, my brother agreed that what Ryan did was worse, because he would not stop saying stuff about my dead friend. And I did warn him I was going to throw the beer. My brother said that every guy deserves to have beer thrown on him if he's being a jerk; it's not even a big deal. I did tell Ryan several times to stop, and he didn't, so my brother says I had to get his attention somehow.

So most of my friends are saying I shouldn't talk to Ryan anymore. My brother didn't seem to think that was necessary. But he said I shouldn't hang out with him for at least a week, and then the next time we're going to hang out, I should ask if he thinks he can behave himself. My brother said that's when I should expect an apology. And if I don't get one, I need to not hang out with him anymore.

This all sounds about right to me. Ryan said some really awful things that I still can't get out of my head. Like my brother said, being drunk explains behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. You still have to take responsibility for things you do and say when you're drunk.

Paula also sent me a really great email about what God expects from me and some questions I need to ask myself. Thanks, Paula.

I'm not going to be the girl who lets a guy walk all over her. He really crossed a line the other night and owes me an apology and needs to stop being a jerk. If he can't, I'm done. And I really do mean that.

And now, today, I'm done obsessing over it. I'm tired of it. I have more important things to do than think about Ryan. Like figure out what I'm going to do with the 1st graders today!

I was hating the fact that my life is so boring this weekend. I am so stupid.

I spent most of the weekend on my couch making games for my classroom. I was dying to spend some time outside in the beautiful weather, so when Ryan got home from the Bears game yesterday, we went for a walk. It was lovely. I should have just gone home after that. But he had a bottle of wine that he'd opened the day before and wanted me to help him finish it.

Of course, the bottle of wine did not last long. Ryan had been drinking all weekend, and it didn't take him long to get drunk again. It doesn't take me much to get drunk, either. So we are drinking, and he starts saying things that bother me. And not the usual annoyances either. It was stuff that really got to me. The first thing that annoyed me was when he was talking about going on a date next weekend and just dating in general. Although that definitely answers my question now of how he sees me, so that's kind of a relief. Then he wanted to go out to brunch next Saturday, which we've been talking about for a while, but I can't go because I have to work. He refused to go on Sunday because that would interfere with his drinking plans (Steelers play at noon). He said he'll go on Saturday anyway and just replace me. This irritated me that he is so inflexible, and I was not a fan of the word replaced. Since he knew it annoyed me, he kept saying it, so I was throwing things at him. (Foreshadowing; I tend to throw things when I'm drinking and get mad.)

At some point he decided that I should do a shot of tequila. I knew this would lead to trouble, but usually, for me, tequila always leads to the fun kind of trouble. So one shot was fine (because I was drinking beer, too.) But he insisted on me doing another shot. We argued, because I knew I needed to stop, but he insisted and my judgment was off, so I did it. Tequila does awful things to my judgment.

Then he said more things that upset me. He grabbed my hand and started analyzing all the reasons why my tattoo is awful, to the point where I wanted to go cry. Then I turned on a Basement Jaxx song (we were taking turns playing songs on his computer that were important to us). I was explaining that the song reminded me of Tim, one of my favorite people in the world who died a few years ago. I was drunk and rambling, which was probably not fun for Ryan, but Ryan then chose to start making rude comments about Tim. That put me over the edge. I was livid. I told him I was going to throw my drink on him. He didn't believe me. Too bad didn't, because most of my friends know that I am prone to throwing drinks on people if I'm really drunk and upset. So he kept going, so I threw a little beer on him. A LITTLE. I tried to aim carefully, but a little got on his work laptop. But honestly, he seemed more upset about it being on his couch and clothes. Big effing deal. He has a washer and dryer in his apartment, and after I did it I told him I'd clean his couch.

So how did he react? He threw my iPhone against the wall twice. TWICE. It is broken. The screen is cracked, and I can still do some things on it, but the main button won't work, so I can't go from screen to screen. I started crying and left, and he slammed the door behind me.

I texted when I got home to apologize about the computer and said I'd find a way to pay for any damages. He said it's not even a big deal, because his job will replace it. There was no apology for how he was talking to me, no asking how my phone was, nothing.

I fully realize that I was wrong to throw beer. I've apologized and offered to fix what I can, but I can't take it back. And doesn't he owe me some kind of apology, too?

I feel like the third grader who had a meltdown in my class last week and was screaming, "I hate my life!"

Ryan would just say I'm being a drama queen and get over it.

I want this. Maybe in like 10 years, after I've had a few kids and I'm in my late 30's. Would it be okay then? I can already hear people saying that it's never okay. But seriously, I would wear stuff like this when I have kids. Also, I really like the matching outfits they have for moms and their daughters. I have never been cool, and I will never be cool. I might as well just give in.

Last night was so perfect and fun; just what I needed after a lot of stress. Rachel and I went dancing at DC's, and I hadn't been in months. On the way there, we blasted Miranda with the windows down, and I stuck my head out the window to see the stars and smell the country air. Then I danced and danced for the next three hours. It felt so good, and Rachel's so fun to dance with because you can tell she's having just as much fun as you are. It was just absolutely perfect.

I am at a time in my life where celebrating Halloween means going out to the bars and dressing up as a slutty _____. This is not my thing. So although I love doing Halloween stuff with my students, and I'm sure I will love doing Halloween with my own kids someday, I chose not to celebrate Halloween this year. Instead, Whitney and I went on a hiking adventure out by the Mississippi River.

Our plan was to go to lunch at a place called Poopy's in Savanna (because Poopy's? Seriously?), and then go hiking at Mississippi Palisades State Park. But there were some fun detours on the way.

We saw a sign for a covered bridge, and I said, "Should I turn?" and Whitney said, "Do you even have to ask?" This is just one reason why I love her.


As we drove through the cute covered bridge, I just couldn't help but wonder, "Why? What's the point?" But it was still nice.

Our next detour occurred when we saw a sign for a windmill. I thought we'd see a cute little windmill, take a picture, and be on our way. Oh no.... it was so much more.

We walked into the windmill and stumbled upon a free tour! So random and hilarious. I almost started laughing in the lady's face. It was just so funny to me that we followed a sign and ended up listening to a lecture on how the windmills in Holland were used to communicate during WWII. It was actually a functional windmill that made flour and had been brought over from the Netherlands. Once again, I couldn't help but wonder, why? How did this town decide to raise all that money to bring in a windmill? But it was interesting. And surprisingly crowded.

Here is Whitney pretending to rotate the windmill:


Here is a man actually making flour (sorry it's so blurry):


After our fortuitous little stop at the windmill, we stopped by a park with old-school playground equipment.

We felt kinda dirty riding those horses and alligator.




Finally, we headed for our first planned stop: Poopy's. They are a motorcycle place, tattoo parlor, restaurant, and they even had haunted woods for Halloween. Notice all the trucks in the parking lot.


The menu was ridiculous.


But the restaurant actually wasn't that bad. (Notice all the camo at the bar.)


After lunch we went hiking. It was beautiful, and I actually remembered my parents taking us there when we were little.





We drove home via Route 20, which is scenic and gorgeous. On the way back, we stopped at Culver's for custard, which was just the perfect way to end the day.

*Many of these photos are courtesy of Whitney, who is a much better photographer than me. :)