Am I a grown-up now?

Things to Do Before I Die (Not a fan of the term Bucket List)

2012-01-24T19:06:00.003-06:00

At church yesterday, we were asked to turn and talk to the person next to us about something we want to do before we die. I have a whole list of these things on my phone, and yet, in the moment, all I could come up with was, "Go to Tahiti." Which I felt really stupid saying after the girl next to me shared that she wants to start a non-profit.

The sermon ended up having nothing to do with our lists. The pastor asked us what's stopping us from doing those things, and he pointed out how there's stuff we want, and stuff we REALLY want. Like, "I want to read my Bible every day." But what stops us from doing good stuff like that is what we REALLY want, which is probably to watch The Bachelor. He then gave a great talk about our sinful natures.

But it got me thinking about my list of things to do before I die. There aren't a lot of noble, grand things on that list. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe because I'm already leading a fulfilled life? While I'm still not sure what I think about my current position, I know teaching reading is what I'm passionate about, so I don't have to worry about changing careers. And if I want to change the world or do good for others, I can use that passion to do it. For example, the church I just started going to has a reading tutoring program, so I could volunteer my services there. It's not something that's going to go on my list. Stuff like "thru-hike the Appalachian Trail" isn't on there either because, let's be honest, that does not sound like fun. Unless I could stay at a hotel each night. Anyway, I just don't have a lot of epic stuff on there the way other people seem to. My list is pretty frivolous. I think the only thing cliche about it is that there are lots of travel plans.

I usually post my list of things to do in the summer, but I don't think I've ever posted my list of things to do before I die. It's an ongoing list kept on my phone, but here's what I have so far:

1. Dance at a ball in Vienna (I saw on a travel show that they still have them!)

2. Be thin

3. Go to Prince Edward Island from Anne of Green Gables

4. Zipline through the rainforest

5. Do the samba in Brazil

6. Learn guitar

7. Go to the moores in England, like in The Secret Garden

8. See a ghost

9. Live in a small town

10. Go to Tahiti

11. Make out at a drive-in theater

12. Sing in a cathedral in Europe (and probably get kicked out)

13. Go to Loch Ness. Look for the monster and sing songs from Brigadoon

14. Hike the Jesus Trail (40 miles from Nazareth to Galilee)

15. Go to the town in Germany that is our family's namesake and see if I'm treated like a celebrity

16. See a tornado

17. Live in Italy

18. See 24 hours of light in Alaska

19. Adopt

20. Run the bases at Wrigley Field

21. Swim with manatees

22. Be in a hurricane and have a hurricane party

23. See the northern lights

24. Record an album

25. Go on a Tunnel of Love ride

26. Go on an archaeological dig

27. Have a spur of the moment wedding in Vegas

28. Visit the places my ancestors are from- the towns in New England, the Horr estate in England, Ireland, Germany...

There are a few other items that are not appropriate to post in a public forum. ;)

As I looked at my list, I realized I've actually accomplished a few things- fourwheeling and meeting my birthfather. Well, I haven't actually met him yet. He just friended me on Facebook. But that's another story.

What scares me is that there is so much on this list, and I will be 30 next month. How on earth will I do it all??

Hope

2012-01-22T19:09:00.003-06:00

The Bible talks about the importance of faith, hope, and love. In my life, I’ve focused a lot on my struggles with faith and love, but it wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized there was a lack of hope in my life.

Although I didn’t see it at the time, I think I spent most of my 20’s in a state of hopelessness. Things weren’t right, but I didn’t do anything to change that. Looking back, I think this is because I didn’t have hope. I don’t think I even recognized what it felt like.

Then, a few years ago, I started losing weight, and I knew what hope was. It sounds like such a silly, shallow, thing to cause such a profound emotion. But all of a sudden, I started thinking that maybe I could have the things I wanted. And now that I’ve experienced it, I think that hopeful is one of my very favorite ways to feel. Even better than the satisfaction of getting what you want.

I thought I understood the phrase “our hope is in Christ.” I thought that had to do with going to heaven. And yes, it does, but I’m realizing it’s so much more than that. To me, hope is the quiet joy you feel when you look forward to the blessings God hasn‘t even given you yet. It’s almost a secret that makes me want to smile mischievously. Because other people may look at my life and see the problems and the things I’m lacking, but I have something they don’t know about- hope. I know that God is good, and that even if I don’t get exactly what I want, God is still good and everything will be okay. I truly believe deep down that there are so many opportunities and possibilities and good things in my future. I know that when I'm unhappy, things will get better. And when I found hope, I started living differently. More confidently and with this assurance that God will give me the desires of my heart.

So, when one of my very favorite people recently told me she was feeling hopeless, and I wanted to cry. To me, being hopeless is pretty much the worst thing in the world. What’s the point of life without hope? I am praying and praying that she finds it.

I recently read this part of Lamentations 3 from The Message. The author has just described some of the worst suffering imaginable. But then he says:

“But there’s one thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
His merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great Your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.

He proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
To the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
Quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
To stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take,
Go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.”

So now I kinda feel like I ruined my secret, telling everyone how I am overflowing with hope. But I am so thankful for hope, and I’m even more thankful that my hope is in Christ. I think that it is the best thing in my life right now.

Snow

2012-01-21T22:28:00.002-06:00

I can't smell snow coming like Lorelei can. But I feel the same way she does about it. There's another episode (I think when she's dating Max) where she talks about how magic snow is. Every year, we get at least one snowfall that feels just like that. This year's perfect snow was on Friday night.

It technically wasn't our first snowfall of the year. We got a decent amount of snow a few weeks ago, but it wasn't the good kind of snow. I don't know how to describe it, but it just wasn't right. It was wet and heavy and left a layer of ice underneath it and was really really cold. Although I did hear that a bunch of people in Wicker Park had a huge, impromptu snowball fight and was sad I didn't know about it. But it really wasn't the kind of snow that felt like magic.

Friday's snow was magic. It started snowing during school, and all after-school activities were cancelled. I know it's crazy, but I love that feeling of everyone brushing the snow off of their cars in the parking lot after school/work. Actually, I was sad that no one was at the cars closest to me; they definitely would've gotten hit with snowballs. It was the perfect snow for packing.

This was my first time driving my Subaru in serious snow. My car is a beast. Everyone else's wheels were spinning, and I just pulled out like it was no big deal. There was only one moment where I felt my car slide a little. I love my car. Although, not to brag or anything, but I think I'm a pretty great snow driver. :)

My 35 minute commute took two and a half hours. No big deal. I stopped at Target to stock up on supplies so I could be a hermit this weekend and made sure I had a full tank of gas. My only mistake was all the Diet Coke I drank; I was about to pee my pants when I got home. But it was fun. I texted my friends (and got yelled at for doing so), watched Glee on my phone, and had a dance party, which ended up entertaining other drivers as well. When I got home, I trudged across the street to the park and made snow angels. I laid there in the snow and caught snowflakes on my tongue. It was bliss. I wished there was someone to have a snowball fight with, or go sledding with. But the park was quiet, so I headed home, humming that ridiculous song "Snow" from White Christmas. I paused at the door and giggled to myself; there was a clear set of footprints leading from the door of my building to the snow angels. I imagined people walking by and wondering about the person who lives here who plays in the snow.

Then I went into hermit mode. I read the latest Victoria Dahl book. (LOVE her!) Today I cleaned my apartment and made these absolutely amazing Hungry Girl cupcakes that are only 4 Weight Watcher points each. I talked to my beloved Paula for over an hour for the first time since she had the twins. I watched Ghost Adventures and read Bittersweet. Tomorrow I'm going to two church services (long story), watching football, and making Valentine's decorations for my windows. After a busy weekend last week (I'll post about my brunch as soon as I can find my camera cord to upload pics!) and a busy weekend next week (Cortnee is coming to town!), this was perfection.

And it was so much better because of the snow.

Things I Love About My New Place

2012-01-18T22:10:00.008-06:00

1. Being surrounded by Humboldt Park on two sides, which is 207 acres, has a stable (that I don't think is still functioning) that looks like a castle, a boathouse where you can rent rowboats, and fishing piers and worm pits. There is even an audio tour you can download.

(Stables)

(Boathouse- pic from fineartamerica.com)

2. Fireplace with built-in shelves

3. 6-foot tall windows

4. My neighbors- an awesome mix of stay-at-home moms, hipsters, and Puerto Ricans. When I park my car at night, I notice the car in front of me. Last night, it was a car with a University of Chicago bumper sticker. Today, it was a Honda CRV with these stickers:

(One of the paw prints identifies the owner as an animal foster parent. Not sure what the triangle kid is.)

5. Coco, the amazing Cuban restaurant less than two blocks away. I think plantains are my new favorite food- how did I not know what I was missing???

6. My building is over 100 years old. The locks (inside the apartment) are all old-fashioned. The one in the bathroom still has a working skeleton key!

7. My huge dining room, complete with vintage chandelier and a table that seats 8.

8. The giant Puerto Rican flag

Transcripts from Sunday night:

Nina: I could totally scale that sucker!

Me: Nina. Get DOWN.

Nina: Awww, come on... I just found a handhold...

9. My front door has grafitti on it. And I'm not talking about the outside door, I'm talking about the door to my apartment. They obviously attempted to cover it up, but when the light hits it just right, I am greeted with "F--- you, p---y," when I arrive home from work. My landlord wants to fix it, but I kinda like it. Makes me feel like a badass.

10. Which reminds me, my landlord is super hot.

High School Memories

2012-01-09T21:54:00.002-06:00

One of the fun things about hanging out with people from high school is hearing their memories, especially the ones you forgot even happened. I got to hang out with lots of fun high school friends this weekend and was reminded of some stuff I'd totally forgotten about.

Laura and I were talking about having PE together. I only have vague memories of PE, probably because it was so traumatic. But she said, "Don't you remember that time you talked me into walking the mile with you?" (I've never run the mile in my life, and I was constantly recruiting slackers to walk with me.) "You pulled out a Hershey bar halfway through and split it with me." So embarrassing. This is how I got the name Cookie Monster in high school. I was small, but my diet consisted almost entirely of sweets.

Then Laura was like, "Do you remember the time you smoked?"

"What?" I was quite indignant. "I was GOOD at school. I NEVER would have done that."

"Like that's something I'd forget? You TOTALLY smoked!"

And all of a sudden, vague fragments of memory started coming back to me. Freshman year, when we went to the other high school, there was a path around a pond that they'd make us run. And one day, when we encountered some older boys ditching class, I bummed a cigarette and smoked while we were supposed to be running. This was a rare occasion for me; I really was a huge goody goody at school.

This is something Mike reminded me of recently. I've been hanging out with my friend Mike from high school lately. We hadn't seen each other in like, 10 years, and it's been so much fun. I love this boy to death. He's just one of the most genuinely good people I know.

He remembers that I was a goody goody at school. He has also teased me several times about how I made them (him and the other boys he hung out with) listen to RENT all the time in my car. He claims that if I turned it on now, he'd still probably remember most of the words. I told him he's just lucky he wasn't around for my contemporary Christian phase. I was such a nerd.

I remember meeting Mike and John and Eric and Jon and really wanting to be friends with them. I thought they were so cool. And I remember Liz giving me a hard time about it, saying they were probably just using me for my car. I'd go out of my way to give them rides so I could hang out with them. But last night, Mike told me that I used to walk by them on my way to class every day (before I knew them), and Mike said, "We should be friends with that girl." Mike says and does things that make my heart happy. I know that sounds incredibly "gay" (as my dear friend Ryan would say), but it's true. For example, yesterday he bought me lunch, then went with me to Ikea to get a dining room table. He was patient while I was indecisive, helped me get it in my car, then followed me back to the city, carried it into my apartment, and assembled it. I almost felt uncomfortable with how nice it was. We hung out for 7 hours, and it felt like hardly any time had gone by. I'm so glad we're friends again. I feel like, the more bad things I get rid of in my life, the more room I have for good things.

This weekend, my girlfriends and I were talking about the things that we liked and disliked the most about our lives. The thing I love the most about my life is definitely my friendships. I don't think anyone in the world is as lucky as me when it comes to friends.

Oh, resolutions...

2012-01-06T18:20:00.002-06:00

Already failed at my New Year's resolution and didn't even realize it right away.

One thing I loved about my apartment in Pilsen was that it was 5 minutes away from Target. When I decided on my new apartment, I didn't consider things like proximity to shopping. I was pretty upset when I realized the closest Target is in Bucktown, on Elston, which is a scary diagonal street. And for some reason, Elston is one of the scariest diagonals. There's always tons of traffic and it's like, SUPER diagon. Not just a little diagonal, like Grand or Ogden.

So I needed to go to Target, but was scared to drive there. Living in Phoenix greatly diminished my city driving abilities. So I kept putting it off. "Who needs hand soap?" I told myself. "Sanitizer will work just as well! And I can totally continue to survive off of these saltines and peanut butter. I just have to make it till Monday, when I'm out in the suburbs for work!"

I texted Pete and told him I was scared to go to Target. After informing me that I'd lost my mind, he asked why. I explained and said that he should come take me to Target. I was shocked when he responded with, "I'm at the office. Give me an hour." And you know what, not only did that boy take me to Target, he showed me a way to get there that did not involve Elston. There's a back way in! And today I tried it by myself and was fine!

But I am pretty ashamed that I broke my "Fearless" resolution over a trip to Target. I'll just have to keep trying.

Best and Worst of 2011

2012-01-01T20:01:00.012-06:00

Best Moments of 2011
When Rachel, Nina, Stephanie and I were dancing on the roof at Bar Smith and this guy tried to dance with us and we blocked him and he was like, "What, is this like, a circle that can't be broken?" Yup.
When my parents came to visit and we climbed rocks at Joshua Tree and my mom tried to kick me in the Grand Canyon

My 8th period Reading class

Amanda telling me I had to put my arms up and embrace life on Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyland. The lumberjack/wilderness firefighter

Standing in a meadow in the Maroon Bells wilderness in a dress and hiking shoes, surrounded by mountains and wildflowers and a creek, declaring that I want to build a house in that exact spot ;

Holding Carmen at my good-bye dinner.

Singing "Colors of the Wind" in Upper Antelope Canyon with our Navajo guide

High School Musical Karaoke with Jenna

Singing "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros with Nina and Steph on our trip.

Walking into my classroom and seeing flowers on my desk Reunion with Ryan.

Kristin and I deciding to jump in the water at Johnston Shut-Ins State Park.

Dancing with Carmen.

Rappelling off a 150 foot cliff.

Snowtubing race with Kelly

When my grandma said I was one of her best pals

"We out-bad-assed the scouts!"

Lang's ghost story

Standing in the Pacific Ocean at Laguna Beach and thinking, "I can't believe this is my life." The anticipation of encountering quicksand in Buckskin Gulch ("we'll Macgyver it!"); the disappointment when the canyon was dry

Hiking the Fairyland trail at Bryce Canyon National Park, singing along with "Mine" by Taylor Swift. Rounding a corner and getting caught singing by other hikers.

Hiking in the rain in the North Woods listening to that Kenny Chesney song, "Somewhere With You"

The Do-It-Yourself Messiah when we were singing "For Unto Us a Child is Born"- when we got to the "Wonderful Counselor" part

Singing Celine Dion with Nancy. We now have motions that go with our dramatic singing. Look out, world. There may be a drunk karaoke performance in the future. Singing the Praetorious piece with Professor Brown

Worst moments of 2011:

Crashing my car

Driving away from Rachel's house for the last time

The 7th grade team meeting where another teacher tried to take me down and turn everyone against me

Crying myself to sleep because I missed my Phoenix friends so much

My iPhone being stolen

Being lost on Picketpost Mountain

Swimming through that log jam in White Canyon

The NFC Championship fiasco

Dropping off Kristin at the airport in St. Louis

I think the theme for 2011 was change. Not just the change of moving back to Chicago, but the internal changes of becoming stronger and figuring things out. Also, one year ago, I was just starting to get into hiking. I am not the same person I was a year ago.

Hoping that the theme for 2012 will be adventure.

And my resolution for 2012: Be Fearless.

Minneapolis

2012-01-01T18:11:00.011-06:00

I just got back from a weekend of visiting Kelly in Minneapolis. I love this girl because even when we haven't seen each other in forever, we just pick up where we left off. Hanging out with her is comfortable and easy.

Not sure how we started watching Friends, but that became a huge part of our weekend. We started watching Season 3 and couldn't stop; we watched the whole thing. It was so relaxing, and the nostalgia was fun. I started watching Friends during its first season, when I was in 7th grade. I stopped watching for a few years in high school, when I was too busy being Goth to watch TV. Anyway, I think Season 3 is one of the best. I love Chandler and Joey's shenanigans. And Ross yelling that they were on a break. And the chick and the duck.

As we were watching, they made several references to being around 28 years old. It's so crazy to think that I am now older than the characters on that show. But my life is nothing like theirs. That show gave a misrepresentation of life in your 20's. I've got the cool apartment in the city thing happening. But I've never had my best friends living across the hall. (Unless you count college.) And they make it look so easy to coordinate all six of their schedules; they spend SO much time hanging out. Which, I understand, was to make the plots work. But still, I thought that's what life would be like. Instead, my friends are all so busy working, it's not very often that a big group of us can get together. And what's up with Monica's perfectly decorated apartment? Decorating is expensive! How could she afford all that nice stuff? And Ross has been Dr. Geller since Season 1, making him a Dr./Paleontologist at the age of 25. Seriously?

I used to watch that show and think their lives seemed so glamorous and couldn't wait to be an adult and have a cool job and hang out with my friends and have silly dating mishaps. But now that I'm at that age, life does not feel glamorous. But does anyone feel like their own life is glamorous? Who knows, maybe Jackie Kennedy even felt like her life was tedious sometimes.

ANYWAY, the main idea of this post wasn't supposed to be about Friends. Back to the trip.

The first thing we did when I arrived was go for a walk so Kelly could show me her neighbor's pirate ship.

They have a pirate ship in their yard. Beyond that, there are no answers to any of the questions we have about it. Just random silliness.

Kelly and I ate a lot on this trip. My favorite meal was dinner at the Red Stag Supper Club, where I ordered beet ravioli with goat cheese (the pasta was red and made with beets!), some kind of mixed drink with bourbon and homemade sweet and sour, and grasshopper creme brulee for dessert. Everything was amazing. The place also just had a really cool atmosphere.

(You had to flip your coaster to show if you wanted still or sparkling water. Fancy.)

(The bar.)

(The red stag on top of the building.)

The next day was filled with more food. We had lunch at a Japanese place, then went to check out a bakery. The one we were looking for wasn't there, but instead, we discovered The Donut Cooperative, aka Nirvana.

Look at this donut display. All made from scratch daily.

The ones on the top left are chocolate banana. I had one of the lemon donuts (top right). In the second row you will find glazed with rice krispies, marshmallow frosting and sprinkles, and glazed with gummy bears (Kelly had one of these). In the bottom row are peanut butter donuts with jelly filling. These donuts were just insanely awesome. Everyone needs to go to this place and keep it in business.

Our next stop was downtown Minneapolis to see the flagship Target store:

and the Mary Tyler Moore (aka the original Carrie Bradshaw) statue :

We ended the day at Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge, a Tiki bar. You actually have to put down a $5 deposit on their mugs because they're stolen so often.

The next morning we had breakfast at the most amazing place, Isles Bun and Coffee. It was like being invited over to someone's house for breakfast and hanging out in their kitchen while they make cinnamon buns. All they serve are cinnamon buns, caramel buns, scones, and coffee. They are baking behind the counter, and there's flour everywhere and mixers going and it looks just like the mess you make in your own kitchen. The girls were running back and forth from taking orders and making the rolls. It was such a great place. I'd go there every day and weigh 300 pounds if I lived in that neighborhood.

Then we shopped at Patina, which is my new favorite store. I found some fabulous things for my apartment there.

That afternoon we went snowtubing,

then went out to a bar in a nearby small town to ring in the new year. The word of the night was absurd. This bar was just full of characters. For example. this guy was attempting to hit on me, but it was like he'd had too much to drink to form a coherent thought. He was trying to carry on a conversation, but just kept staring at my chest so much I thought that maybe I'd popped out of my shirt or something. He reminded me of Charlie from Always Sunny in Philadelphia. There were also some really interesting (and dangerous) dance moves going on, involving people of all ages. It was a quite a crowd. Kelly and I hugged at midnight and were out of the bar by 12:05.

I really like Minneapolis. The people are super nice, and I love how they truly embrace the winter. They find creative ways to make it fun, like snowkiting (which we were going to try this weekend but it didn't work out). I also love how downtown is designed with heated parking garages and walkways so you don't actually have to go outside. There's so much great shopping and food and a really strong hipster vibe there. Oh, and I almost forgot the best part- The Current!

Kelly introduced me to the very best radio station in the whole world! The Current, 89.3. It's a Minnesota Public Radio station. They play everything from Lupe Fiasco to Bon Iver and tons of bands I've never heard of. Sometimes they play really weird stuff; there were many times in the car when Kelly and I would just look at each other and burst out laughing. It was the perfect soundtrack for the weekend. I am learning so many great new songs from this station! I'm going to have it streaming from the internet all the time now.

So, to sum up a super long post: Minneapolis wins at food, shopping, and music. Kelly is one of my very favorite people to hang out with. And the show Friends creates unrealistic expectations of adulthood.

Into the Wild

2011-12-28T23:01:00.004-06:00

Just finished reading Into the Wild. I have mixed feelings regarding Chris McCandless, but there is one thing to which I can relate- his "itchy feet."

I get so restless. And I'm never satisfied; the more things I do, the more places I see, the more my feet itch. (Okay, maybe I do need a new phrase for it, because that does sound kinda gross...)

This was the wrong time to read a book like Into the Wild. I'm already going crazy being stuck in flat, boring, urban Chicago. But on top of that, it's winter, so there's nowhere within a day's drive where I can go hike. Unless I want to freeze. Which I don't. Anyway, I've also had a quite a bit of downtime the past few days. When I wasn't reading, I worked on planning my road trip.

The plan is to be gone for 52 days. In that time, I will visit 14 national parks. 12 of those days will be spent canyoneering with Kristin in southern Utah. Then I will head up to Portland to see Paula, stopping at Lassen Volcanic National Pak and Crater Lake National Park on the way. The next month will be spent meandering through Washington, Oregon, Wyoming, North and South Dakota, and Minnesota. By myself. Well, Kristin may join me for a long weekend at Glacier National Park. But for the most part, I'll be alone.

The thought of hiking in the backcountry all by myself is exhilirating. I am genuinely happy hiking alone. I love that I don't have to worry about slowing someone down, or someone slowing me down. I love the flexibility of lingering in an especially great spot or leaving early if I'm just not feeling it. I love spreading my arms and spinning around and singing "The Sound of Music" where no one can hear me. I love feeling like I'm the only person for miles and miles.

Of course, there are moments when I want to turn to someone and say, "Can you believe what we're seeing right now?" And it would be nice to not have to camp by myself. If someone wanted to join me, I would not discourage them. But, if I end up doing this trip solo, that would be entirely acceptable. Actually, more than acceptable. Incredible. Empowering. Life changing.

I've been a little obsessed with Walt Whitman over the past few days, and I'm inspired by his words in "Song of the Open Road:"

1
Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before me,
The long brown path before me leading wherever I choose.

Henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune,
Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing,
Done with indoor complaints, libraries, querulous criticisms,
Strong and content I travel the open road.

The earth, that is sufficient,
I do not want the constellations any nearer,
I know they are very well where they are,
I know they suffice for those who belong to them.

(Still here I carry my old delicious burdens,
I carry them, men and women, I carry them with me wherever I go,
I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them,
I am fill'd with them, and I will fill them in return.)

5
From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that
would hold me.

I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me
I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Christmas

2011-12-27T16:27:00.006-06:00

Christmas this year was less than awesome. My brother chose not to participate. The ugly fight that occurred while we were opening gifts on Christmas Eve was actually captured on video. Andy did not join us for church or opening gifts afterwards and did not show up for Christmas Day at my aunt's house, either. Not going to go into detail here, but I'm so disgusted with him. And then my dad gets mad at me for not being more understanding of my brother's issues. And everyone's trying to pretend everything's fine, but my dad has this awful depressed look on his face and it's all just so fake. On top of that, my grandma was doing her best impression of Aunt Bethany from Christmas Vacation ("Are we at the airport?... Is Rusty still in the Navy?") and didn't seem to know where she was or what day it was. We were just glad she didn't have a cat to wrap up and bring as a gift.
There were a few good things about this holiday. I had breakfast on Christmas Eve with some of my favorite girls. That was definitely one of the best things about this year- reconnecting with this group of friends.

Church was absolutely beautiful. Here are Jen and I posing before church started:

The pastor gave a wonderful sermon, and they had a full orchestra accompanying all the songs. We got to sing lots of Christmas songs, and the service concluded with the singing of the Hallelujah Chorus. There was just one problem. People would not. shut. up. I couldn't believe the audacity. Two teenage boys sitting in front of us were doing their best Beavis and Butthead impression and snickered through the whole service. I thought their mom might stop it, but she was too busy engaging in noisy conversations with her daughter. Seriously, people weren't even whispering! I don't care if there's an orchestra playing; people can still hear you talking! It was especially disrespectful to the soloists. And the conversation wasn't just during the music; it was even during the sermon, prayers, and scripture readings! I looked around at one point during the sermon and saw not just the family ahead of me having a conversation, but an entire row of teen girls talking and giggling in the next section over, a couple behind them talking, and a family behind them talking. It was ridiculous. Why even bother going to church? If you're just going because it's Christmas and you feel obligated, stay home. Not the right reason to go to church. Perhaps that's unChristian of me, but church isn't supposed to be an obligation. I was actually trying to get something out of the service, and it was really hard to concentrate on the implications of the miracle birth of Jesus when all I wanted to do was punch someone in the face.

Apparently I was not the only one feeling this way. At the start of the Hallelujah Chorus, both my mom and Jen (seated on either side of me) were like, "Let 'em have it," implying that I could get revenge by inflicting my voice upon them. Not sure exactly what that was supposed to mean. I tried to sing on the quiet side of normal, but was told afterwards that I was really loud. Woops. Anyway, at the end of the service, I waited till the lady in front of us was within earshot, then started a loud conversation with Jen about how hard it was to enjoy church when people were talking so much during the service. "I mean, I couldn't even concentrate! The constant chatter just ruined everything!" Jen caught on quickly. "I know!" she replied. "People need to learn some manners! If you want to just talk throughout the whole service, don't even bother coming!" The lady had a strange look on her face, so I know she heard us. Plus I think I may have actually been glaring at her during this exchange. I know it was snarky and unkind, but seriously, these people were so obnoxious. I mean, I was so distracted that, at communion, I popped the wafer in my mouth without waiting to dip it in the wine. So now I'm probably only half forgiven.

Anyway, after church it was time to exchange gifts. My mom had this beautiful opal ring made for me. She was so excited about it; I've been hearing about it for months.

My mom asked my uncle for white thread for Christmas. Being the creative person that he is, he threw in one spool of black thread, taking the gift to a new level.

I received some other really nice gifts as well. Jen crocheted a beautiful scarf for me. My uncle got me the new David Sedaris book. Jacob got me a $100 gift card to REI (woo hoo! that means neoprene socks and a life jacket!). And I opened a box from my dad to find this:

My dad found a great deal on a nice tv several months ago, and since I gave mine away when I left Phoenix, he got it for me under the condition I would pay him back. The post-it cracked me up, as well as the fact that he actually took time to carefully cut out the tv and mount it on cardboard.

Whitney got me this adorable ring:

And Kristin got me an Arizona hiking calendar. Such nice, thoughtful gifts.

I will end this post with something that I thought was absolutely ridiculous. On Christmas day, my cousin showed me this picture:

Yes, my uncle actually took his beloved boxer, Jack, to see Santa. And put him in antlers.

Merry Christmas.

Handmade Christmas

2011-12-23T22:44:00.006-06:00

I love to craft. I would dearly love to be a part of Amy Sedaris's craft circle in New York. Anyway, each year I try to make as many Christmas gifts as possible. Here are this year's crafts

For the ladies in my small group, Inspiration Jars. I bought a bunch of different scrapbook paper and printed out quotes from some of my favorite people: Donald Miller, Rob Bell, Taylor Swift, Fred Rogers, and God. If they are having a bad day, they can pull out a slip for inspiration and encouragement. I really enjoyed finding the quotes. I may send them "refills" in a few months. All the different colored paper looked so pretty!

For Rachel (who loves Scrabble), Scrabble coasters.

For Liz, Sonal, Anne, and Jenn (high school friends), pointsettia ornaments.

For Whitney, a Packers candy jar. (These are SO fun to make.)

(Okay, I KNOW I took pictures of this and can't find them! But here's a picture of the one I made Ryan last year. It's kinda like this.)

For my cousin Katie, a bowl made out of a melted record.

For Nancy and Kathy, homemade bath products: sugar body scrub and oatmeal hand scrub, and foot warmers you put in the microwave.

For Nina, underwear that is embroidered with inappropriate Liz Phair lyrics. (I haven't finished this yet, so I don't have a picture to post.)

I also received some nice handmade gifts! My cousin Michael got me some crocheted warmers for cups of coffee, hot chocolate, etc. and a cute crocheted pin that I'll probably use as a hair clip. And Katie made me these adorable hand warmers that go in your gloves or pockets and the Bust DIY Guide to Life. I've been wanting this book!

I think my gifts went over pretty well. I really enjoyed making all of them; it's so much more fun to give a handmade gift!

Weird Conversation

2011-12-23T09:48:00.003-06:00

It started with me asking my dad to help me paint my new apartment. It ended with him basically telling me I'm going to die alone.

This all came from a place of wanting me to be happy. It wasn't meant to be critical or mean. He just worries about me because he's my dad. And his life experience is so different from mine. He married his high school sweetheart. Being single was something he never had to worry about.

The trouble began when I mentioned the two month road trip I'll be on this summer. Honestly, I don't remember everything that was said. Actually, there was a lot that wasn't said, but was just implied. But he's very critical of my love for hiking/canyoneering. And it goes beyond concern for my safety. Basically, he thinks that if I'm spending all my free time in canyons, I'm never going to find a husband. He said that I spend too much time hanging out with the same groups of people and unsuitable guys, so how am I ever going to meet someone? And that someday, I will slow down. Canyoneering won't be an option. And then I'll be all alone. And sooner than that, all of my single girlfriends will no longer be single, and I won't have anyone to go on adventures with and I'll be alone. And that, if I want to be in a successful relationship, I'm going to have to give up all this "gallivanting" (he loves that word and applies it to my actions frequently). He also pointed out how old I am, and that this lifestyle may have been okay in my early 20's, but I'm running out of time to find a husband and have kids. He even went so far as to say that he thinks I don't date much because I'm "gun-shy" from seeing my friends' unhealthy/failed relationships.

Yes. He actually said all that. And the worst part was that he wasn't trying to be mean. He just wants me to be happy and thinks that these things haven't occurred to me.

I told him to stop worrying, because I'm not worried about finding a husband. (Although now I kind of am, because honestly, my dad is usually right about stuff.) I told him my plan is that if I'm still single when I'm 40, I'll have a kid on my own. And that if I work hard to stay in shape, I have many, many years of hiking ahead of me. And ideally, I'd like to meet someone who loves the same things I love. (Which, he quickly pointed out, is unlikely to happen in Chicago.) I assured him that I dated a lot in Phoenix (which maybe it wasn't exactly "a lot", but it was definitely happening) and even confessed that I am on eHarmony. I told him I am open to finding someone.

I hated this conversation because everything he said was either something that I worry about or something that I know is true. I know that I need to meet people outside of my current circle of friends, and I have a plan for that. I'm going to join some kind of team through Chicago Sport and Social when I move back to the city. And it's true that most of my girlfriends are married or in serious relationships. I know that soon, all of my friends my age will most likely be married with kids. And even though I'm happy for them, it does kind of suck because they don't have the freedom I have to just pick up and go do fun things. I also realized that I am going to be 30, and that, although it seems like a long time, it really isn't that much time to get married and start a family if I want more than one kid (which I do).

But what am I supposed to do about it? I am who I am. I love my life, and I'm not going to give up the things I'm most passionate about. There's an episode of Sex and the City that really resonated with me. It's the one where Carrie finds out that Big (her ex) is engaged to Natasha. She talks about that movie The Way We Were and how Natasha is a simple girl, whereas she is the girl with the curly hair. I am also the girl with the curly hair. I wish I could be the simple girl, the girl who is easy to be with. I remember my brother saying that once, that guys like to be with girls who are just easy. But I am complicated. The thought of being with one person for the rest of my life freaks me out. I get bored easily. I need freedom and space and excitement. I have a complicated past that not many people understand, but it's shaped me. I would love to find someone to share my life with, but I don't think there are many people out there who fit what I need. I need someone who believes in God, but is liberal (both theologically and politcally). Someone who isn't uncomfortable when I make jokes about my sordid past (meaning that they most likely have a sordid past as well), but is no longer interested in that lifestyle. Someone who is always up for adventure, but is also responsible and has a good job. And someone who will give me space; I really value my time by myself.

That list is on top of the standard must-haves: funny, smart, good-looking, etc. So I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for Mr. Right. And I'm not going to settle, either. I'm not going to compromise something that's important to me and get married just to be married. Obviously, I'd like to meet someone to share my life with, but I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

I've worked hard for a while to be happpy with my singleness, and I finally am. This conversation almost caused a signifcant setback. But, when you think about it, it's all out of my control, anyway. There are some things I can do to help with the situation- stay at a healthy weight (I'll get back on track with that after the holidays :)), get my finances in order, be emotionally healthy, etc. I can do my best to be open-minded about the guys I meet, and work on expanding my social network. But if those things are happening, and I still don't meet the right person, I'm okay with that. That's a possibility I've accepted. The difficult part is getting other people in my life to accept that. Society makes being single in your 30's cause for pity. I don't care so much about other people, but I'd at least like for my family to not worry about me and feel sorry for me. I love my life. And, if I'm still single ten years from now and decide I want a kid, I can make that happen. There is no reason to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm confident that things will turn out the way they're supposed to.

2011-12-21T21:43:00.003-06:00

Can you believe this boy is 11 today???

Seriously, time flies.

His mom sends me pictures and a letter every year. This year, the letter talked about his traveling soccer league, his baseball team that won the championship, and his basketball team that still hasn't won a game in a season and a half.

She also sent a copy of his test scores. My little genius is in the 99th percentile in some of the math categories and also did really well on comprehension and vocabulary. But grammar? Just a little over the 25th percentile. He just can't be bothered with those insignificant details.

I called a little while ago to say happy birthday and apologized for only sending one gift this year. (I'd promised I would never combine his Christmas and birthday gifts; I felt bad having him so close to Christmas.) He called back about 5 minutes later and asked if the gift was for his birthday or Christmas. I was kind of confused and said both. 5 minutes later he called back again to thank me for the Kindle Fire. I should've known that's why he was asking; he's a crafty boy. He's really excited about it; he loves to read and has been wanting a Kindle. Now maybe he'll stop stealing his dad's iPad.

One other funny story: His teacher moved his desk next to hers because that boy cannot stop talking. (And yes, I realize that this seems to be an inherited problem.) She just told him that now she doesn't want to move him because she enjoys talking to him so much. He does have a great personality (except for that whole Republican thing).

Anyway, happy birthday to my handsome boy! I'm so proud of him!

Marathon of Awesomeness

2011-12-20T20:12:00.003-06:00

I did so many fun things this weekend.

I finally watched The Help on Friday night. Great movie, but the book was better.

Saturday was a looong day filled with great things. It started with my annual Christmas lunch with my birthmom. We had Lou Malnatis, and she reminded me of the time she caught my half brothers rappelling out their bedroom window. Clearly, the sickness I have runs in the family. Since she reads my blog, she knew about the brunch I'm planning and got me champagne glasses for mimosas! Such a thoughtful gift! I can't wait to use them!

After brunch I stopped for a quick manicure, then picked up Jen and headed over to the Music Box Theater for White Christmas. The Music Box is this cool vintage theater that does things like the sing-along Sound of Music and midnight showings of 3D 70's porn. Every year they do a double feature of White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. People get all dressed up in their Christmas apparel and sing along and heckle and, I'm pretty sure, drink during the movie. Before the movie starts, Santa comes out and leads the audience in caroling.

It's a very "Chicago" event. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think you get it if you've been to it. Jen and I had a blast. I love that movie so much. This scene always makes me laugh so hard I cry:

After the movie, I met up with my old friend Mike at a bar. Mike is part of this group of guys I hung out with in high school. I love hanging out with him. I haven't seen him in ten years, but it's so comfortable to be with him. We went to see another friend of ours, Johnny (yes, that is the name on his birth certificate), play with his cover band. They were really good, but it was pretty hilarious to see this guy who used to be so rock 'n' roll rockin' out to Kesha. But he told me he's just happy to be getting paid to play his guitar, and I can't blame him for that.

I drove Mike home after the show, and he invited me in for a drink. The conversation was so good I didn't leave till 4 a.m. I love those nights where you're having so much fun you don't want the night to end, but then I hate the next day.

Luckily, my schedule for the next day was pretty light. The only thing on the agenda was a cookie decorating party at Cyndee's. How adorable is that? I realized that I am definitely remedial in the art of cookie decorating. Look at how intently Kris is spreading that frosting!

And look at Whitney's gorgeous plate of cookies! So much fun!
The best part, of course, was eating the cookies. I brought home a plate that night, and they were gone by the time I got home from work the next day. Cyndee always hosts such fun events! I know I probably sound obnoxiously happy, but it really was a fabulous weekend. And soon I will be moving back to the city, so there are many more fabulous weekends coming soon!

Do-It-Yourself Messiah

2011-12-20T08:57:00.004-06:00

There are few things more joyful than singing the Hallelujah Chorus with 500 people and a full orchestra.

Jeffrey (my friend/coworker) and I went to the Do-It-Yourself Messiah last night. We stopped at Handlebar for dinner, which is this really great hipster vegetarian restaurant. It was delicious, and I'm excited because it's really close to my new place.

When we arrived at the Harris Theater (right next to Millennium Park), I pulled out the tickets and froze. They were were TUESDAY night. I had marked my calendar for Monday. Typical me. I felt so bad. Jeffrey was super nice about it and said he didn't mind coming back downtown the next night. Luckily, they were great and just swapped our tickets, even though it was sold out.

What a great experience! I wish I was more familiar with the music. (When I bought the tickets, I didn't realize that The Messiah is 250 pages long!) I didn't practice much, so there was quite a bit of sight reading happening. And, I suck at melismas, which means that baroque music is not exactly a strength of mine. But it was so much fun to sing, and the soloists were phenomenal. I had heard bits and pieces of it before, but never the whole thing straight through. The spiritual aspect was also pretty amazing. I loved how the music reflects the scriptures. I definitely thought a lot about the text while we were singing, and when I sang, "And he shall reign forever and ever," I meant it. And Handel wrote the whole thing in three weeks! Definitely some divine inspiration going on there.

I think this will become a new holiday tradition. For anyone who likes to sing, even if you don't think you're good, I highly recommend this experience!

"Your Daughters Will Prophesy"

2011-12-14T06:39:00.002-06:00

I love the book Evolving in Monkey Town by Rachel Held Evans. My pastor in Phoenix recommended it to me. He knows the author and thinks we'd be best friends. After reading the book, I totally do want to be her friend. It was kind of like how I felt when I was reading Blue Like Jazz. Rachel also has a pretty great blog, and her latest post about women in the church is awesome.

http://rachelheldevans.com/daughters-will-prophesy

They're here!

2011-12-13T20:36:00.002-06:00

Well, today's picture is a no brainer. Paula (my college roommate and one of my very best friends) had TWIN GIRLS today!!!

Reagan Elizabeth is on the left with the blonde hair. Maggie Isabelle is on the right with the dark hair. So precious! I can't wait to meet them. Congratulations, Paula!

The Sacred in the Ordinary

2011-12-12T20:30:00.002-06:00

Today was a completely average day at work.

The school leadership team (of which I am a part) was asked to conduct interviews with staff members to see how they feel about a new iniatiive. I was assigned to someone I don't know very well who is only in our building part time. We sat down to talk during 4th period and went through the questions. As we finished, we made polite small talk. She mentioned she was from Grand Rapids. "Oh, there's this great church there!" I exclaimed. And so began a conversation about Mars Hill. She'd heard of it, but didn't know much about it. She wondered if it was super conservative (because apparently it's a conservative town). I mentioned the uproar Rob Bell had caused with his book.

"What's it called?" she asked.

"Love Wins."

"That sounds perfect, like exactly what I need right now. I've been doing some soul-searching lately..."

"I understand. I've been there."

And we had this silent moment where a million things were said. I told her I'd put a copy in her mailbox tomorrow. Can't wait to hear what she thinks of it.

December Photo Project

2011-12-11T22:05:00.003-06:00

The concert was a success! At least, I think it was. I didn't make any major mistakes, and it was so amazing to sing in that trio with my choir director and this other awesome girl. Nina recorded it, so hopefully I will soon have a video to post.

Some people in choir were joking about my entourage. My parents and their friend Dave came, as well as Liz and her fiance, Nina, Steph, Nina's friend Giovanni, and Whitney. It meant so much to me that they were all there and seemed genuinely happy to be there.

Afterwards, we hung out at Old Town Social. I like the living room atmosphere of that place. Here's Nina lounging on the couch with her feet up on the coffee table:

And here are Nina, Steph, and me:

Photo Project Fail

2011-12-10T22:29:00.002-06:00

Two days of fun things happening, and I didn't take any pictures.

Last night we celebrated Kestelle's birthday at Hot Chocolate in Wicker Park. That place is amazing! The desserts were out of control awesome, made by an award-winning pastry chef. And Kestelle looked adorable in her fabulous pink dress. It was a lovely evening and I'm mad I didn't document it.

Today I had rehearsal all morning. I'm super nervous about the concert tomorrow. I shared this with Professor Brown, who is singing with me on the Praetorious, and he gave me a hug and reassurances. He is the nicest man. I can't believe I get to sing with him.

I got a haircut today, which, come to think of it, could have made a good picture because I got a great blow-dry. But that would mean taking a picutre of myself right now, and I am currently wearing my glasses, no makeup, and Tinkerbell pajamas. Not happening.

Tonight we had Bramscher Family Movie Night. This was, of course, at my insistence. Predictably, everyone complained and dragged their feet (except Jen), and then everyone had a great time. Because who doesn't like Christmas Vacation? That movie is fun for the whole family. My dad laughs so hard he snorts. The yuppie neighbors make me laugh so hard I cry. We drank salted caramel hot chocolate and just enjoyed spending time together. And I forgot to take pictures.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

December Photo Project

2011-12-08T20:30:00.006-06:00

I think the problem with this project is that it's showing how mundane my daily existence is...

My picture for yesterday (Wednesday) is an assignment I gave to my 6th grade Reading Strateges class. We've been reading Maniac Magee and talking about identifying confusion, and it seems like their greatest source of confusion is unknown words. So I did a simple lesson on Context Clues. I did a Think Aloud to model the strategy, we practiced it together, then they tried it on their own. Partway through the lesson, I paused and apologized to the class because we haven't done anything too exciting lately. "It's okay, Ms. B.," one of my students replied. "We like this because we're actually learning something." And he meant it! High praise from a middle school student. I love that I don't need anything gimmicky to get their attention; the power of great literature is enough. When an absent student (also one of my most reluctant readers) returned to class and found that one of the characters died, his jaw dropped and he was genuinely dismayed. Anyway, I would've shared a picture of student work, but they're still working on their charts.

(I can't get this to flip for some reason. Yet another reason why I have no business participating in a photo project...)

Today's picture was taken on my way to work. The sunrise was crazy awesome! Of course, you can't tell from the picture. There was like, this cylinder of light in the middle; I've never seen anything like it. It reminded me of something from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I've been noticing a lot of really beautiful sunrises lately, and it reminds me of that Shane Hipps quote about waiting so long for another beautiful sunset that you miss the equally beautiful sunrise. Perhaps that's just a bit symbolic of my life right now. New and good things are on the horizon. I'm excited and hopeful.

December Photo Project

2011-12-06T20:58:00.002-06:00

Dieting has been difficult since moving home, and without mountains to hike, I haven't been working out. I started Weight Watchers again last week. When I stepped on the scale this morning I was down three pounds! 16 more till my goal weight. Let's hope the holidays don't mess me up too bad.

December Photo Project

2011-12-05T18:59:00.004-06:00

Okay, yesterday was a bit of a fail. I went to Lessons and Carols at Concordia and wanted to get a picture of everyone singing "Noel Noel" with their candles, but it was too dark. But I still took a picture!

It was a beautiful service. We epsecially enjoyed the chamber orchestra accompanying the choirs. And, of course, the Bach piece was awesome. My favorite part was the reader for the reading about the shepherds. He sounded like Kermit.

Today's picture is from my classroom. One of my former students posted this quote on Facebook, and I loved it so much I put it up in my room. I worry that my students think they're stupid because they're in my class, and I want them to feel good about themselves.

It says, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it'll go its whole life believing it's stupid."

December Photo Project

2011-12-03T19:56:00.004-06:00

Okay, Jenna, I'm in. I will attempt this December Photo Project. However, I am not a photographer. Also, I'm really awesome at starting new projects but rarely finish.

Today's picture comes from Anne's baby shower. I thought these were a super cute treat!

Fearless update

2011-12-02T08:08:00.002-06:00

Loving this quote from Taylor Swift:

“To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’sFEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.”

I've made some healthy relationship decisions this week. Deleted some numbers from my phone book. Blocked someone on Facebook so they can't see any of my posts. (Didn't want to go through the drama of unfriending, just want to quietly walk away.) I feel good about it. I feel strong. Why did I feel like it was so important for these guys to be part of my life? Having fun hanging out with them is not worth the rest of the drama. I'm sure I'll have occasional relapses, but for now, I'm on the right track.

Making Plans

2011-12-01T19:27:00.004-06:00

What a difference a few weeks makes...

Work is not awesome. But neither does it suck. I've been really busy, and it's amazing how good that makes me feel. 10 hour days are good for me. I don't know why, but I like having a million things to do at work, especially because I feel like the work I'm doing is a good thing. A lot of my students are making good progress. The ones who aren't are making me crazy, but that just makes me work harder.

I found an apartment. A huge one-bedroom with a dining room (perfect for entertaining), a sun room, and a view of the park. The floors are dark, so I'm going to need rugs. The thought of decorating has me really excited. I think I'm going to get a big dining room table from Ikea, and then collect vintage mismatched chairs for it. And I'm thinking about getting this Banksy picture for my living room:

The thing I'm most excited about is entertaining again. I haven't hosted an event in years. My apartment in Pilsen was too small, and I never got fully settled in my Phoenix apartment. But I love playing hostess! I bought a griddle on Black Friday, so I think my first event will be a brunch with a wide assortment of pancakes! Red velvet, chocolate chip, pumpkin, blueberry... And of course, the best part of brunch- beaucoup de mimosas. I'll make some baked goodies, too, and hash browns because those are good when you're hungover. I'll wear my apron with the cherries on it and a cute headband, and the background music will be Ella Fitzgerald. I can't wait!!

Another thing making me happy is singing. Oh, how I love to sing. I can't believe this has been missing from my life for so long. I'm singing with my friend's church choir for their Christmas concert next Sunday, and I have multiple solos! I was so nervous about this at first, but it's so comfortable and familiar. The text and music look all intimidating, and then I open my mouth and the Latin just falls out. It's like an old friend, like hanging out with Rachel or Liz or Paula. It gives me so much joy and just feels right. There's something about music by Bach and Praetorious that's just satisfying on a deep level.

Besides all this other great stuff, I have trips to look forward to. I'm going to Vegas for my 30th, and 9 of my closest friends are coming with me! It's almost too good to be true! The best part is that Vegas has slot canyons nearby, so this is turning into a canyoneering trip. I cannot imagine anything happier than exploring a canyon with so many of my favorite people. I think I may just burst into happy tears if it actually happens.

And not only is there Vegas, but this summer I am planning an even more epic road trip than last year's. I really, really hope it works out. If everything goes according to plan, I'll be gone for almost two months! The idea of driving across the country in my Subaru and hiking at national parks sounds like heaven on Earth to me.

I have so much to look forward to. I have so much hope for the good things to come.

Great Quote

2011-11-27T16:33:00.001-06:00

I came across this quote from Donald Miller this weekend:

“I do not believe a person can take two issues from Scripture, those being abortion and gay marriage, and adhere to them as sins, then neglect much of the rest and call himself a fundamentalist or even a conservative. The person who believes the sum of his morality involves gay marriage and abortion alone, and neglects health care and world trade and the environment and loving his neighbor and feeding the poor is, by definition, a theological liberal, because he takes what he wants from Scripture and ignores the rest.”
― Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

Thanksgiving

2011-11-27T13:16:00.003-06:00

This was pretty much the perfect holiday week.

Nancy and I went to see Breaking Dawn on Tuesday night at the iPic theaters. I love going to those theaters for special occasion movies! You sit in Lazy Boy chairs and you get a blanket and pillow and they wait on you during the movie. And we loved the movie! This is the best one yet! I wish they would go back and remake the other ones, especially the first one, now that they've figured out how to do it. There were only 3 criticisms I have:

1. The whole conversation the wolves had in their heads was just ridiculous. I almost laughed out loud and chose that scene for a bathroom break.

2. I had to close my eyes during the birth scene. Too gory for me. But that's how I felt about the book, too.

3. I wish they'd had more of the Jacob/Rosalee banter that they had in the book.

Other than that, I thought it was well done and don't know how I'm going to wait for the next one! I definitely want to reread the book now, but it's in storage somewhere.

Wednesday I spent the whole day crafting and watching New Moon and Eclipse. Actually, that's how I spent a lot of my days off- crafting. I'm excited to start giving people their handmade Christmas gifts!

Thanksgiving got off to a rocky start. First, I asked my dad a simple question and he started yelling at me. I was pretty frustrated and told him to "calm the f- down." It just came out. I've never cursed at my dad before. Suprisingly, he didn't say anything about it, so it was much less dramatic than it could have been. Then, my mom and I accidentally outed a gay relative (who was not present). When I pointed out to my mom what we'd done, she was like, "Whatever, it's not like everyone hadn't already guessed." So, once again, no drama. My grandma was able to come to dinner, and that went suprisingly well. It was just a nice, normal Thanksgiving. I'm always thankful that I have a family I actually look forward to spending time with.

That night, I went to see the Muppets with my aunt and cousin, and it was awesome!!! I just love the Muppets so much. I love how wholesome they are, how it's good clean fun for the whole family, and yet so clever and funny. There were so many cameos by great actors, and Jason Segal was hilarious. I'm so glad the Muppets have made a comeback.

After the movie, Nina and Steph and I drank an entire bottle of bourbon in Nina's parents' hot tub. Good times. :)

Last night, I hung out with a guy I was good friends with in high school. It was so good to see him! It was like no time had passed. He's so easy to be with, and just such a nice guy. He still lives close by, so I'm really hoping to see more of him before I move back to the city. He texted me on my way home last night to tell me again that he'd had fun and we should do it again sometime soon, so hopefully there will be lots more hanging out in our future.

Today, I had big plans to watch the Bears with my dad. We haven't watched a game together all season. My dad was grappling with the Christmas tree lights (which always seem to give him an inordinate amount of trouble) while watching the Bears get three penalties in a row. When Hanie threw an interception, I looked from the TV to the Christmas tree lights and thought, "This is a bad scene." I got out of there quick. I think we may watch one of the games from the 1985 season later on to remember the good old days.

So overall, it's just been a relaxing, productive weekend filled with friends and family. Pretty much perfect.

Things I Am Excited About This Week

2011-11-21T22:04:00.002-06:00

1. Canyoneering in Vegas for my 30th.
2. Going to the Shake Your Asana hot yoga class with my cousin Katie.
3. Spending all day Wednesday crafting for Christmas.
4. My mom's mac and cheese and fruit salad and French Silk Pie. (My Thanksgiving dinners are a bit non-traditional.
5. The Muppet movie
6. Possibly subletting an apartment from Nina's brother that has washer and dryer IN-UNIT!
7. Going to see Breaking Dawn with Nancy tomorrow night
8. Winning in both my fantasy leagues
9. Black Friday sales ($3 waffle iron! $10 blender!)
10. Practicing for the Do-It-Youself Messiah

Thank you

2011-11-20T21:46:00.003-06:00

When I left Chicago, I was convinced I’d never find a small group as special and amazing as the one I had here. I loved being a part of this group of girls who were all close to my age and at the same place in life. I loved being an Incubator.

But when I was finished incubating, I ended up in Phoenix and found myself attending a Mennonite church. Who would’ve thought? I was eager to join a small group, hoping that would help me get to know some people in the congregation. I had no idea how these women would change my life.

Amanda and I instantly connected because she’s close to my age. We went out one Friday night to Pita Jungle and then made mosaics at a craft place, and I totally fell in love with her. We just had so much in common! To be honest, when I met the other ladies, I wondered what I’d have in common with them. Denise and Ellen are close to my mom’s age, and Jodi and Sheri have kids in high school. I was afraid I’d feel all awkward and we’d have nothing to talk about. I was so wrong.

I learned so much from these ladies in my time there. There is such a wealth of wisdom in this group! They are warm, loving, generous, non-pretentious, non-judgmental, insightful, hilarious followers of Jesus. You can tell by the way they live that their faith is real. I remember one time there was a conversation about people who just seem to radiate the love of Christ. A few of the ladies expressed longing to be like that, and I thought, “You’re crazy! You already are!” All five women truly do have this quality. That peace that passes all understanding is present in each of them, and it spills over into every aspect of their lives.

I quickly realized I could be real with this group; I didn’t have to pretend to be some super spiritual person. I wanted to be honest with my struggles and uncertainties and all the unpleasant stuff, because I could learn and grow from the advice they’d share. One of the most difficult parts of leaving Phoenix was leaving these women. I felt like I was just settling in and really getting to know them well when I had to leave. They had a lovely goodbye dinner for me just before I left, and as I drove home, I seriously questioned my decision to leave. Here we are at that dinner:

It’s no secret that moving home has been a struggle for me. Work has been especially difficult. Last Monday, I came back to my classroom during 3rd hour and found this beautiful bouquet of flowers on my desk. The card said, “Smile! We love you!” and was from my amazing small group. I almost burst into tears. No one’s ever sent me flowers before. It’s so extravagant!

The rest of the day was kind of funny- both principals popped in to make sure they hadn’t missed some major event in my life, and several of my (nice) coworkers stopped by to ask about the flowers. They were such a great conversation starter! And actually, everyone now knows that I’m a Christian, because I said that they were from my Bible study group. All week they sat on my desk, reminding me that I am loved, and that it doesn’t matter what my coworkers think of me. I had a meeting that I was absolutely dreading on Friday, and looking at the flowers helped me to take a deep breath and calm down.

I brought the flowers home on Friday so I could continue to admire them all weekend. When I got home, there was a big box waiting for me in front of my bedroom door. I couldn’t believe it- a care package from my small group! They are ridiculous! That’s just so much awesomeness all in one week!

The package contained all kinds of goodies, including things to keep me warm, some emergency camping supplies (I’d like to know who the smart aleck is who thought to include those items), lotion, an adorable notepad, a cute mug, a beautiful Arizona calendar that makes me long for the desert, and one of my very favorite books by Max Lucado called “You Are Special.” It’s a children’s book by Max Lucado about this little wooden person who needs to be reminded that he is loved. His Maker tells him, “You are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.” I haven’t read that book in a while, and that was exactly what I needed to hear. How did they know? The best part was a note from Jodi and several sheets of gold stars. If you’ve read the book, you understand the significance.

Thank you, ladies. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

Happy Birthday, Whitney!

2011-11-13T21:12:00.002-06:00

This weekend we celebrated Whitney's 30th birthday! Her boyfriend is visiting from India, so we spent all day at the Shedd Aquarium, which is just such a cool place. We were especially fascinated by the Jellies exhibit. Jellyfish are so crazy; Whitney and I just don't understand how they are even alive without a brain, blood, etc. The exhibit piqued our interest, and we continued to read about jellyfish after going back to her apartment. There is this one kind of jellyfish that has tentacles that are 120 feet long! How ridiculous is that?

Anyway, that night we went out to Whitney's favorite bar in Andersonville, In Fine Spirits. Their menu is a lot like The Violet Hour; I don't understand half of the ingredients on the drink menu, and just one drink is guaranteed to knock you on your ass. I was super excited to see Buffalo Trace bourbon on the menu (I picked up a bottle of that down in Kentucky a few weeks ago), so I ordered a Manhattan. Bad idea. My cheeks were flushed after just 3 sips. Whitney's boyfriend had to trade drinks with me; I needed to be able to drive home.

Anyway, we had a lovely time! It was great to catch up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while.

(Cyndee looks on as the manager cleans up the glass Whitney broke.)

After dinner, we went back to Whitney's for some delicious homemade cheesecake.

All in all, a really fun day. Whitney is one of my nearest and dearest friends, and thirty is going to be a great year for her!

Things to do this winter

2011-11-10T13:17:00.006-06:00

Well, my list of things to do this summer was a total failure this year. Although, to be fair, I moved across the country and went on an epic road trip (that I'm still trying to organize into blog posts) and did some pretty awesome things. But still- time to get back to making a list to ensure I'm never bored and not wasting a single day of my life. That's really important to me, as I'm sure everyone can tell. Anyway, Nancy made a really great winter list, and she inspired me to make one, too.

So, this winter, I want to:

Drink peppermint hot chocolate

Go to hot yoga at least once a week

Go ice skating in Millennium Park

Watch the entire 1985 season of Bears games with my dad (When I suggested this to him, I was like, "Let's not look at the box so we won't know who won and it will be even more exciting!" And he was like, "Well, sure... but you know they were 15-1 that year..." That's okay. That one game they lose will be a surprise.)

Go snow tubing

Organize a snowmobiling trip to northern Wisconsin

Start a Bible study/Christian book club with Margaret

Sing-along Messiah

Go sledding on the hill by Soldier Field

Climb motherf-ing Picketpost Mountain on a trip to Phoenix and not have the cops come look for me

Make snow angels

Go to the Crystal Concert at Neuqua and Lessons and Carols at Concordia

Have a snowball fight like when we were kids (All the neighborhood kids meet at a central location and play... Why can't we still do that?)

Watch classic movies I've never seen, such as 16 Candles, Star Wars, and MAYBE Casablanca (I've heard that one doesn't end happily, and you know my policy on those kinds of movies...)

Have parties at my new apartment (murder mystery dinner party, beach party, crafternoon, jazz party)

Drink spiced wine in Nina's hot tub

Shop at Christkindl market

Plan and prepare for my big trip to southern Utah

Actually decorate my apartment (in Phoenix I never even put stuff on the walls)

Eat cinnamon rolls at Ann Sather

Go see White Christmas at the Music Box theater

Visit my favorite museums-see the Dr. Seuss exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry, gaze at the stars at the planetarium, and lose myself in my favorite paintings at the Art Institute

I am a professional.

2011-11-08T13:24:00.002-06:00

So I won't tell my coworkers to suck it. But I really really wish I could. I'll just have to hope that they have strong enough inferential thinking skills to understand that when I say, "As you can see, the data supports what I was saying about..." they know that what I'm actually saying is, "Suck it, motherf-ers."

"My life is like a lemon drop..."

2011-11-07T21:16:00.003-06:00

"I'm sucking on the better to get to the sweet part; I know there are better days ahead..."
-Miranda Lambert

Okay, I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but this is getting a little ridiculous.

After hearing about Edwin's death and the fundraiser they were having for his funeral on Sunday, I impulsively booked a flight to Phoenix. Then, after thinking about it, I realized how stupid that was and that the more helpful thing to do would just be to donate most of that money to the funeral. (I spent a little more than I should have.) Well, Priceline initially made it sound like it would be easy to get my money back because there was a death involved, but long story short, I'm out $400. I could've been in Phoenix. Now I can't even afford to make that much of a donation. But that was just stupidity on my part. I am way too impulsive.

I found out Saturday that my grandma has pneumonia. It looks like she's going to be fine, but still, she's 92. So it's always a concern when you hear "pneumonia."

Pete texted Saturday night and claims to not remember anything about how awful he was to me. I have to laugh. He seriously expects me to believe that? Here's what I have to say to that:

And this theme leads me to Ryan, who apparently has been telling people I'm in love with him and trying to date him and making me sound all crazy. I think it's sad that he's so insecure that he needs to make it look like he has all these girls after him. But at the same time, hearing how he was talking behind my back makes me feel nauseous. I texted him and said I don't want to date him. Not now, not ever. Just wanted to make that crystal clear. It was funny because for once, he wanted to talk about it, and I didn't. That was all that needed to be said.

I know I shouldn't talk to him again, but it's hard for me to make a big statement like that. I can definitely say I don't feel like talking to him right now.

Besides all this, both of my Fantasy teams are hopeless. There will be no crazy comeback like last season.

The bright side of this weekend? I got to hang out with Nina and our friend Katie, who we haven't seen since high school. It was fun to hang out with someone with a similar past who is now relatively normal. Turns out, Katie and I made out with and dated many of the same guys. It was pretty hilarious to discover this. I think we both just had good taste.

Another good thing? As I'm writing, the Bears are playing really well. Oh, and they opened a Bleeding Heart Bakery in Elmhurst, so I had a chocolate peanut butter cupcake for dessert tonight.

Sometimes, you have to focus on the little things. And even in the midst of all the suckiness, there are lots of little good things.

Edwin

2011-11-06T11:40:00.002-06:00

During my first year teaching in Calumet City, I was part of a disturbing conversation at lunchtime. My coworkers were all sharing stories of former students who had died or gone to prison. I realized it was inevitible that I would someday have stories like this to share as well, but I hoped it wouldn't be for a long time.

That time finally came on Friday, when I found out that one of my very favorite students from last year died on Thursday.

At the beginning of the year, I thought, "There is no way I'm going to make it through a whole year with this kid." Edwin was defiant, disrespectful- a classroom management nightmare. But our team all shared the philosophy of not giving up on kids, and so we persisted with Edwin. Especially Lanette, the writing teacher. And all of a sudden, it was like someone flipped a switch in him and he became such a sweetheart. He was in my room every day before school, and I'd make sure he had everything he needed to get through the day. By the end of the year, he and his buddies were in my room in between classes, too, and I'd have to shoo them out so they wouldn't be late. Sometimes, he'd even pretend to hide in my room so he could stay there and not go to his next class. He loved stickers. Deep down, he really was a little boy.

But his home life was not easy. He had an older brother who was just rotten and tried to influence Edwin. We knew that Edwin was up to no good at home and had several meetings with his mom, a sweet lady who had immigrated here from El Salvador and worked two jobs (one of which was clearning houses) to support her boys. She didn't know what to do with the boys; they were out of control. We did the best we could at school, but that's one of the hardest parts of being a teacher- you only have control over a student for 7 hours a day. At one conference, I told Edwin I had so many good things to say about him. I started talking, and his brother started translating for his mom. Edwin had to stop me and said, "My brother is lying and making stuff up. No teacher has ever said good stuff about me before. Can you go get another translator, please?" I seriously wanted to punch his brother in the face.

After graduation, I became friends with many of my students on Facebook, including Edwin. His posts concerned me; he was obviously partying a lot and making bad choices. Last week, he and a friend apparently decided to ditch school and break into a public pool and drink. Edwin drowned. Here's the news story.

My heart is breaking for his family, especially his sweet mother, and his friends. And I am so angry at him for making a stupid choice.

One last memory to share of Edwin: he dated another girl on our team for a while (also one of my secret "favorites"). She was telling me how wonderful he was and said that he was her Edward (from Twilight). My coworkers and I laughed and laughed about this, but I thought it was adorable that she felt that way about him. He really was a sweet boy who just wasn't strong enough to fight off all the negative influences around him. He will be missed by many, many people.

The Truth

2011-11-02T21:31:00.002-05:00

I'm going to come clean here. I've been acting like I'm fine for a while, and I'm not. The only times I've been truly happy in the past few months have been my weekend with Kristin and my weekend in Kentucky.

The truth is, I hate my new job. And my coworkers hate me. Seriously. I have no friends at work.

The truth is, I'm questioning my abilities as a teacher and wondering if I'd be better off somewhere else. I'm wondering if I should even be teaching.

The truth is, I'm subsisting on a diet of Xanax, Diet Coke, and chocolate to make it through the day.

The truth is, I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. I just want to lay in bed and watch TV.

The truth is, I feel like my whole life is on hold while I'm living at my parents' house. I feel like I'm in high school again and have no life.

I've been trying to read my Bible and pray and focus on the good things (because life is never all bad) and spend time with people who make me happy. But those things aren't working when day after day I'm going to a job I hate where people are literally yelling at me and undermining me and trying to turn people against me and trying to prevent me from doing what's best for kids. It takes everything in me to get up and go to work in the morning.

I just listened to this Shane Hipps sermon where he talks about someone watching a really beautiful sunset, and that person stands there waiting and waiting for that sunset to happen again, when if they just turned around they could see an equally beautiful sunrise. I am trying. Oh my goodness, I am trying. But all my optimism is pretend. I'm a big believer in fake it till you make it. But I've been faking for months now.

If I'm not talking to you or keeping up with emails or hanging out, please don't take it personally. I just don't have the energy. Seriously, I just want to lay in bed and watch stupid, mindless TV. That's kind of all I'm capable of right now.

Sorry to sound whiny. But this is where I'm at.

"You're Just So Ridiculous..."

2011-10-29T19:12:00.010-05:00

The title pretty much sums it up.

Last weekend I went rock climbing in the Red River Gorge near Lexington, Kentucky with Nina and Stephanie.

This is the view as we pulled up to Torrent Falls Climbing Adventure. Behind the building were cliffs on which you could do the Via Ferrata. We signed up for a full day of rock climbing and rappelling with our own guide.

Nina and Stephanie demonstrate how to properly check each other's gear.

I sucked at climbing. No big surprise there. I am uncoordinated and unathletic. But, I still did it. At one point, our guide Rick (whose middle name is James) told me I was doing something awkwardly. I explained to him that awkward is my middle name. And then we tormented him for the rest of the day for being Rick James.

It was so so cold! Our hands were numb, making it difficult to climb.

Nina was a rock star and loved it.

It was Steph's first time, and she was a bit apprehensive at first, having Googled "rock climbing deaths in the Red River Gorge" beforehand. But she did really well- she was a natural!

Then it was time for rappelling. I don't have those pictures yet (they're on Nina's camera), but I'll post them when I get them. I LOVED rappelling! That required no skill, but involved walking off a cliff. Perfect for me. The scariest part is when you let your feet go and you're just dangling there in space. So fun. I felt like I could've done that all day. The other cool thing was that we got to climb part of the Via Ferrata to get to the top of the cliff, and I really enjoyed that, too.

After 9 hours of fun, the sun was setting and it was time to go. Rick James mentioned where he was going to dinner and asked us to join him. It's at this point that things got interesting.

Rick's friend, Lang, joined us, and Lang was super cool. I kind of want to be best friends with him. A few interesting things about Lang:

1. He majored in Political and Environmental Science

2. He really loves goats and taught us how to milk one

3. He wants to work for a nonprofit
4. He's from Alaska

5. He recites Shakespeare

I'm sure everyone is thinking I must like him, but let me assure you, this is just platonic. He is 23 and a half. It's just like when I met Amanda and fell in love with her and wanted to be BFF's.

Anyway, during dinner I made a joke about buying a "gettin' lucky in Kentucky" shirt. Rick said, "I'm pretty sure you have to actually get lucky here to buy one of those."

"Well, we are going out to the bars tonight..." I said.

"Or, you could just come back to my camper with me..." Rick replied. (He has a place in Lexington, but stays in a camper in the woods on weekends closer to where the rock climbing place is.) Lang informed us there was bourbon. And Rick told us about his awesome dog. And the stars. I think that was deciding factor. We were in.

We stopped at the beer trailer to buy beer. (It is seriously a trailer that just sells beer. I now own a tee shirt.) Then we headed to Rick's place, way back in the woods in the hills. Steph worried that the bourbon might be roofied and volunteered to be DD. When we saw the camper, Nina was reminded of Into the Wild. Then the boys took us on a walk through the woods to The Point, and I started having visions of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But our fears disappeared when we reached The Point, an open area on top of a cliff where you could see millions of stars, including the Milky Way and numerous shooting stars. We laid under blankets and looked at the stars and laughed and laughed. Lang told us this ghost story, which was particularly entertaining.

(He didn't know I was recording. When Nina is cracking up about the closet, it's because she's referencing that silly R. Kelly song. Also, this video contains some rough language. Oh, and you can't actually see anything because, you know, it's nighttime.)

As you can see, we had a blast with these boys. Rick told us that we could come back and climb with him for free, and I'd love to take him up on that.

At one point, we asked Rick if he'd brought lots of other girls back to his camper. He insisted that we were the only ones. "Well, what makes us so special?" I asked.

"You guys are just so... ridiculous," he said. "I mean, you're so much fun and really awesome... but you're just so ridiculous."

Yup, that's us.

The Wailin' Jennys

2011-10-28T07:45:00.002-05:00

Last weekend, I met an interesting guy named Lang. He's from Alaska. He enjoys rock climbing, milking goats, reciting Shakespeare, and trying to change the world. We got into a conversation about the awesomeness of my favorite Dixie Chicks album, Home. When I mentioned how much I love their harmonies, he suggested I check out The Wailin' Jennies. So I did and they're amazing and everyone needs to be listening to them. Their music is peaceful and beautiful and uplifting and their harmonies are so pure and sweet you'll want to cry. If you liked Home, you will love everything by The Wailin' Jennys.

Fearless

2011-10-26T22:45:00.003-05:00

For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid. I've been convinced I will fail.

In elementary school, my dad would sit with me at the kitchen table and help me with my math homework. By 4th grade, I'd be in tears before we even started. I felt there was no point in him helping me because I'd never understand it.

Another perfect example of this occurred when I was in chamber choir in college. We were singing a beautiful piece that required the first sopranos to hit a high C. The first soprano section consisted of me and one other girl. When I saw it, I said, "Sorry, P.B., I can't do that." (P.B. is what we called our director.) "I'll just drop out and let Jen sing it." He didn't seem to mind or think it was a big deal. And it never even crossed my mind that I could sing that note. Jen is a very talented singer, so I was happy to leave that feat up to her.

At first, I just concentrated on making sure it wasn't too obvious when I dropped out and came back in. P.B. didn't say anything, but looking back, I can't imagine it was any good. After a few rehearsals of this, I started thinking about that C. I'd hear Jen's voice soar up there effortlessly, and I thought, "Maybe I could do that." Soon, I was itching to join her up there. I was scared to death to just go for it, but it was getting harder and harder to hold back. One day, it just came out. And it was fine. P.B. looked over and gave me one of his coveted winks. Later, he told me he knew I'd do it eventually, I just needed to have a little more confidence. And when we sang it in performance, the most common compliment we got was that Jen and I sounded like one voice- that C was no problem for me.

I hadn't noticed this problem since I moved back to Chicago. I think I took more risks in Phoenix due to Kristin's positive influence. But here, it's more and more difficult. First, there was the Outdoor Ed incident, where it didn't even occur to me to do the rope course and zip line. Then, I went rock climbing this weekend and approached the first wall with an attitude of, "This is so not happening. There's no way I can do this." And then tonight, I had choir practice at my friend's church (something I used to feel confident about), and I was so nervous because it's been so long since I've challenged myself musically in terms of sight reading, range, etc. I was convinced I was going to drag down the soprano section. What is my problem??

The funny thing is, I'm the hugest hippocrite. I am my students' biggest cheerleader. I constantly tell them they are rock stars, and I am their biggest fan. I am so worried about their self-perception and confidence, and want to teach them to be brave readers and thinkers. If one of them told me they couldn't do something, I would not let them give up. I scaffold and encourage and coach until they get there, and then say, "I knew you could do it!"

It's painful to see this behavior in other people, so I can just imagine how frustrating I am to my friends. I annoy myself! When Nancy and I were in a slot canyon in Utah, she kinda freaked out about some scrambling that involved climbing up on some big rocks. I approached the rocks with confidence, knowing I'd done bigger and better climbing. She was so convinced it wasn't going to happen that, even though her legs are longer and she is in better shape than me, she couldn't do it. And I was so frustrated, because it was clear to me exactly why she couldn't do it- it was all in her head. I could see how that was affecting her efforts.

Although Nancy took a long way around that obstacle, she made it through a bigger obstacle- the canyon. And now, she feels much more confident, looking back on what she did. I think the only way to break this annoying and self-destructive habit and build my confidence is to do what Nancy did- conquer something that scares you. I think I need to put myself out of my comfort zone regularly. The more scary things I accomplish, the more confident I will be. I think my new mantra needs to be "Fearless."

Columbus Day Craziness: Day 1

2011-10-20T20:40:00.008-05:00

The drive to Cathedral Canyon was quite entertaining due to scenery like this.

(Notice the Confederate flag and the silhouette of a hunter with his rifle)

We went down a few gravel roads before turning onto the “primitive” road that would take us to the trailhead. I wasn’t even sure this WAS a road; it looked more like a trail! But this “road” was no match for my badass Subaru. Kristin and I realized we were in a Subaru commercial.

The directions said to follow an old road, and after a few hundred yards, when the road forks, take the trail to the right. Well, we did not see a fork. And we knew the hike we were doing had no official trail at all, so we figured we’d find our way. We knew we were supposed to climb a “low divide” on the way to the canyon, so we weren’t concerned with going uphill at first. But then, it started to seem like we’d been going uphill for a long time. I thought to myself, “’Low’ is a relative term. If someone from Backpacker Magazine used the word low, they could have been describing this, even though my lungs are burning and I feel like we’ve been climbing for years.” We both knew this couldn’t be right, but forged ahead. Going off-trail wasn’t a problem since we wanted to work on navigation skills. When we finally reached the top, Kristin had the bright idea to pull out the map, and I got out my compass. Being the geniuses that we were, we realized we were on top of the mountain next to the trail, Mount Trackler. The great part about hiking with Kristin is that neither of us were upset. So we’d just accidentally climbed a mountain. No big deal.
At the bottom of the mountain, we realize our mistake. We’d parked in front of two trailheads; there was no “few hundred yards” to hike before the fork. And the trail to the left was blocked by a tree trunk and didn’t really look like a trail at all until you were on it for a few minutes. And then, it turned into a trail of terror, especially for Kristin, who is not crazy about spiders. It’s spider season here, and they had spun huge, intricate webs across the trail. It was at this point that Kristin won the resourcefulness award for the day; she procured a “spider stick,” which she used to gently move the webs over to the side. In addition, there were mosquitos and other bugs constantly buzzing around our ears, flying into our eyes and mouths. Not a very pleasant hike. But then, we arrived in Cathedral Canyon. And it was worth it.

(We were excited to see a cairn that Kristin added to)

It wasn’t like the canyons you’d see in Arizona, but neither of us were naïve enough to expect that. It was beautiful in its own right, and completely deserted. It felt like a secret spot that we had discovered, and like no one was around for miles and miles.
Kristin pulled out her camera and shot this gem of a video:

We admired the wildlife in the canyon (Kristin almost stepped on a cottonmouth snake, and we saw this little guy) ...and stopped for a snack. By this time, it was late afternoon and we needed to head back.

It was time to head to Hawn State Park, where we would camp for the night. Kristin put the directions in her GPS, and we were off. When we started turning on gravel roads, neither of us thought much of it. Her phone still knew exactly where we were. I wondered if maybe we should be taking more well-traveled roads, but we surmised that her phone was taking us in a back entrance to the park. I felt uncomfortable driving through an open gate, but thought maybe that was the entrance to the park. The directions took us on a really narrow road in between two lakes that looked like this:

When we saw a sign that said “Camp Butterfly,” we knew we were in the wrong spot. But we persisted, because the GPS showed us driving through the summer camp and into the park. What the GPS did not show, however, was the locked gate at the other end of the camp.
We went back the way we came, ready to find an alternate route. The only problem, however, was that the gate we’d driven through on the way in was now locked:

I feel like we had one of those Beavis and Butthead moments, “Uhhh…” while the other one snickers. Then we just about died laughing. We were locked in Camp Butterfly. Could this be any more ridiculous? We got down to business and started searching for the camp phone numbers, but couldn’t reach anyone. Not knowing what else to do, we called the county sheriff’s office. “Stay put, ma’am,” said the lady at dispatch. “I’m sending two deputies to you.”

We decided to make a video while we waited.

The first deputy on scene was very serious and professional. We asked what the plan was, and he told us they would attempt to locate the keyholder, and if they weren’t successful, the fire department would come out to break the lock. Desperate to avoid that fiasco, we asked how we’d locate the keyholder. “Want to go for a ride?” the deputy asked. We hopped the fence, and this is how went ended up in a cop car, driving around to the nearest neighbor’s houses, asking if they had contact information for the keyholder. The second house had what we needed, and we headed back to the camp to wait for the keyholder’s arrival. In the meantime, a second deputy showed up, threatening to leave us there when he found out I am a Cubs fan. While chatting with the deputies, we asked for hiking advice and were told to visit Pickle Springs. Finally, the deputy was able to get on his radio and say, “Keyholder on scene.” This guy just could not fathom how we’d come to be stuck there. We gave up explaining and just thanked him repeatedly and apologized for messing up his Saturday night.

The deputies asked us if we’d like an escort to the state park. “Um, I think we’d rather just head back to Farmington tonight,” we replied. “We saw a Hampton Inn there that looked pretty nice.” We still received an escort to the main highway. It was slightly unnerving to drive with cops cars behind me and ahead of me.

The evening concluded with dinner at Applebee’s and a hotel room at the Hampton Inn. Not exactly camping. But Kristin pulled out her laptop to do some research on Pickle Springs and discovered it has a SLOT-LIKE CANYON!! It was fate- we’d met that cop so he could guide us to what was probably the only slot canyon in the state of Missouri! There was no question what our first stop would be the next morning.

Columbus Day Craziness: Day 2

2011-10-20T20:39:00.009-05:00

Kristin and I were up bright and early Sunday morning, eager to check out this "slot canyon" in Missouri. The hike was beautiful! Very similar to Garden of the Gods in southern Illinois (the same ocean covered this whole area). So, familiar to me, but new terrain for Kristin. It made me happy that she got to have some new experiences in the Midwest. She commented that she particularly enjoyed the sound of the wind in the leaves.

After treating the hike like our own personal playground, we headed to Johnson's Shut-Ins State Park. Honestly, I was kind of skeptical about this place. The pictures on the website looked like rocks in a river. Not too exciting. But it was so much more.

It was volcanic rock formations that you could play on. They'd created all these little pools and waterfalls. It all culminated in what looked like a bottomless pool. The water was crystal clear, but you still couldn't see the bottom. We stopped to relax on some rocks and watch a guy and his girlfriend rappel down one of the cliffs.

(Upon reaching the bottom, he immediately lit a cigarette and called up to his girlfriend to bring some beer down with her. Kristin truly got a taste of the South.) As I took in this beautiful, serene moment, I looked longingly at the water and said, "I wish I could just jump in."

"Yeah, me too," said Kristin. She paused. "Wait a minute... you're actually serious."

And it was fantastic.

Kristin was then inspired to swim all the way across the pool.

We did not want to leave. It was so amazing to be swimming in this beautiful water with the leaves all changing colors.

But when we finally tore ourselves away, the drive to Meramec State Park was especially enjoyable. We talked about how we are more than friends, we are battle buddies. We have been in tough situations, and I know there's no one else I'd trust as much to have my back.

When we arrived at Meramec State Park, and the moment of truth was upon us: I was going to camp.

I loved it! I mean, not every part. I don't enjoy the long walk to the bathroom, and the gross showers. But I was totally on board with everything else- hanging out, making s'mores, and sleeping in the back of my beloved Subaru. My bed was really comfortable! I can definitely do camping in the future.

Columbus Day Craziness: Day 3

2011-10-20T20:38:00.004-05:00

3 began with Kristin’s exclamation: “Now I know what morning dew is!” I forgot that everything’s not all wet in the morning in the desert.

This was the day I told Kristin I had a surprise for her. There was a bit more driving than I’d anticipated, but it was still fun. We went to Alton, IL and saw:

The Robert Wadlow statue (tallest man in the world at 8’11”)

The spot where Lincoln and Douglas had the last of their famous debates

The Confederate Cemetery (kind of creepy because there were no headstones; I think they just threw the bodies in a mass grave)

Then we headed back into Missouri via 55 so Kristin could get a good view of the Arch. We also drove by St. Louis’s version of the Occupy Wall Street protest. I was excited to see it spreading- I thought it was just in New York, D.C., and Chicago!

We had brunch at Rooster, where the waiter told Kristin they were soulmates. They had amazing crepes, including gluten-free vegan crepes for Kristin. Our last stop of the trip was Bellefontaine Cemetery, to see the grave of William Clark (of Lewis & Clark).

I chose this because Kristin and I often imagine we are Lewis and Clark when we’re exploring canyons out west. I’m in awe of what that expedition did. It was cool to see his grave and a monument to his contributions to our country, although I was not excited by this scripture used to support Manifest Destiny.

As an “added” bonus, we saw the grave of the inventor of the adding machine! Haha. (Sorry about that.) And, we discovered that William Burroughs (author of Naked Lunch, heroin addict, and BFF of Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg) was the adding guy’s descendant and was buried there as well!

Sadly, this was all we had time for. I took Kristin to the airport and we said a difficult goodbye. But it was made easier with the knowledge that we have oh so many adventures to look forward to. I can’t wait to see what happens next!

It all started with the Subaru.

2011-10-16T21:12:00.004-05:00

Because Whitney needed a ride to Fed Ex to pick up a box, and we knew the Subaru could handle the job. When she mentioned that the box was an island she ordered for her kitchen, I knew it was going to be big. But we were most definitely not prepared for the sight that greeted us at Fed Ex: 5 boxes, 2 of which were 75 pounds. But my Subaru is a badass, and we somehow managed to make them all fit, putting on quite a show for the Fed Ex employees in the process.

Then came Step 2: getting the boxes up to her 3rd floor walk-up. We managed to get everything up to the second floor when a lady yelled across the ally to hold on, she was sending her husband over to help. He and his brother showed up and thanked us for providing entertainment for the evening, especially since they could tell one of us was wearing inappropriate shoes for the task. (I was still wearing heels from work.) After watching us struggle up the first flight of stairs, they felt guilty, like they were in that episode of Seinfeld where they watched the guy get robbed and just laughed instead of helping. They easily carried the rest of the stuff upstairs, much to our relief.

At this point, Whitney felt like she owed me. Pete had texted earlier and invited me to a party, and so, (I think out of obligation), Whitney agreed to come with. The party was an... interesting scene, and we didn't stay long. We were just going to go home, but Pete and his friend Chris convinced us to go with them to the bars at Clark and Division. Which was funny, because that is so not my or Whitney's scene. Even funnier was that I couldn't really drink since I had to drive home, so Whitney was doing some of my shots for me, so I got to see not-entirely-sober Whitney, who is hilarious and awesome.

Anyway, while we're at the first bar, Pete keeps hugging me and telling me how I'm one of his best friends and that he loves me, and I tell him I feel the same way. After a little while, he wanted to go see Nicole, his girlfriend who works at another nearby bar. He wanted me to meet her. So I did, and she seemed nice, and I told her how many great things I'd heard about her and all those other things you'd say, but I was genuine. I've been happy lately to see Pete happy in a relationship. They even have a vacation planned for December. I think that's great since he hardly ever does long term relationships.

As I said, this was not our scene. So I texted Ryan to see what he was up to, and we ended up heading to Wrigleyville to meet him. Whitney and Ryan just crack me up when they're together. It's like a comedy routine. After a few drinks and a soulful sing along to "End of the Road," the bar was closing. Whitney went home, and Ryan and his friend Angie and I headed to an after hours place. But that didn't last long. Angie was trying to start a fight with these two Hispanic girls, and then, when we decided to leave, walked out into traffic without looking both ways. Clearly, she needed help getting home, evne though it was only a few blocks away. I offered to go with and then give Ryan a ride home, but he insisted he was fine taking the L and I should just go without him. This is where the night took another interesting turn. If I'd taken Ryan home, I'd probably have gone up for a drink, we would've wrestled, and I would've crashed on his couch. But instead, Pete called and invited me over. And since I wasn't ready to go home yet, I took him up on his offer.

This is where things get sketchy, and I'm not going to publish all the details in a public forum. (Although it's really not as bad as you might assume it was.) The problem was that he asked me why I'm not his girlfriend. I just wanted to laugh in his face. I said, "That's what you need to be answering, not me." He was like, "Well, we have a blast together, you're one of my best friends, and there's great chemistry between us. So why not?" Well, of course my response was to point out that he already has a girlfriend, one whom he claims to be quite happy with. And also, that this was not a conversation to be having in the middle of the night. Once again, he did not react well to my perceived rejection. (It's funny, because if he would bring this up at an appropriate time, I probably would react favorably to dating him. I'd at least give it a chance.) He said some really mean things. To the point where I had to make a hasty exit so he wouldn't see me cry. I thought about it (still trying not to cry) all day yesterday. By today, I had processed enough to figure out what I wanted. I gave him a chance to talk about it, he didn't take it, so I sent him a long, somewhat mean, extremely honest email. I needed to put it all out there and let him know that it's all on him now. I won't be initiating any more contact with him. If he wants there to be any kind of friendship it's up to him to make that happen. I refuse to spend my time with someone who makes me feel about two inches tall.

Last night I took out my aggression shooting zombies. Sarah and I went to this painball place in Joliet where they literally have you running through a zombie-infested forest, and then you board a bus with no walls for "evac," and you put on your mask and grab your gun and they blare heavy metal music and you shoot zombies as you drive by them. Kinda like the Buzz Lightyear ride at Disney World. It was so much fun! My only complaint was that it was too short. But I particularly enjoyed aiming for the zombies' crotches. There was something so satisfying about seeing my paintballs explode all over that region.

So, the weekend was completely random and unexpected, and I'm blaming it all on the Subaru. If it weren't for that car, we wouldn't have been able to pick up the boxes and probably would have just done dinner and the movie (we were supposed to see Footloose) because Whitney wouldn't have felt like she owed me. Oh Subaru, what other adventures do you have in store for me?

The Bloggess

2011-10-13T07:29:00.002-05:00

Friends, are you reading The Bloggess? If not, I highly recommend you do. You will laugh so hard you cry, get a stomach cramp, or pee your pants. I had tears streaming down my face as I read her latest post; it was the picture with her cat, Ferris Mewler, that got me. I want to be best friends with this lady. But, the awesome thing is, my friend Jenna is very much like the Bloggess. So when I want to laugh or hear a totally random story of ridiculousness, I just hang out with her (or read her blog, since she's now 2,000 miles away).

Love.

2011-10-11T21:37:00.004-05:00

Last week, I decided to trade in my beloved Saturn for a new Subaru.

My Saturn was just a 2007, but there were already 122,000 miles on it. I realized that car has literally been with me from sea to shining sea, from Daytona Beach to Laguna Beach. It took me to Phoenix and brought me home again. As I cleaned it out, I found brochures from Canyonlands National Park, Florissant Fossil Beds National Monument, a sticker from the Ocoee River in Georgia that I rafted a few years ago, and parking passes from Sedona and the North Woods. That car has taken me to amazing places.

It was also difficult to not buy another Saturn. I've loved Saturns since the one my parents let me drive in high school, an ugly gold car named Simon. I put a bumper sticker on it that said "Eat people, not animals" and took that car all kinds of crazy places. Seriously I can't figure out how my parents never caught me lying when I said I was sleeping over at Nina's and went to a rave in Madison instead.

But it was time for a change. My Saturn could no longer meet my outdoorsy needs. And, since Saturns are no longer being made, I was told to ditch it as soon as possible because parts would be really expensive.

Last week, I went to test drive a Subaru Forester with no intention of buying anything. I drove my new Forester home that night.

My new car is such a badass. I can sleep in the back of it and take it on crazy primitive roads. I now understand why Subaru's tagline is "Love."

Gray skies are gonna clear up...

2011-09-26T21:30:00.002-05:00

The school year got off to a rocky start. First of all, there's not much for the Reading Specialist to do the first few weeks of school. It was too early to start working with the teachers, who are just trying to get things up and running in their classrooms. I was uncomfortable with not being busy enough. Second, my responsibilities are still somewhat ambiguous. No one has sat down with me and told me what I should be doing. I've just heard a lot of what not to do. It's a new position, so I don't think anyone really knows, and I'm just kind of making it up as I go along based on what I learned in grad school. Also, it's like my confidence has been out the window since I moved back. Suddenly I was questioning myself and my abilities, knowledge, and qualifications for this position. I was afraid I was out of my league and had nothing to contribute.

Well, things have started to turn around. I knew if I could just get a few people to "hire" me, and if I worked hard and did well, then they would tell their friends about my "services." (I've realized that I'm basically trying to get a small business going here.) Finally, two sixth grade teachers asked me to come into their social studies classes and model some lessons about determining importance and notetaking. I was so nervous before my first lesson! And then I got up there, and it was like, "Oh yeah, I know how to do this," and the lesson went smoothly and the kids were really engaged and the teacher took notes and said she was getting lots of great ideas! Now she is telling people how much she's enjoying this, and other teachers are approaching me. I'm so happy! And relieved- I want them to need me. I want a job next year!

Things are going well with my reading strategies classes, too. I only teach two periods a day, a 6th and 7th grade class. I think the 6th grade class is a lot more fun because I'm not as bound to a curriculum, so I can do my own stuff. Well, my 7th grade class is a little, um, energetic. It's hard because they are all good kids, it's just all rowdy boys in there. This is the class where I threatened to make a boy write an essay titled, "What's So Funny" because they keep getting the giggles. At first I was annoyed, but then I thought how lucky I was to have such enthusiastic boys who are eager to participate in class, even if it's not always at appropriate times and in appropriate ways.

Anyway, there are three boys in there who are frequent fliers in my lunch detention, meaning that they eat their lunch in my room while I'm teaching a 6th grade class. Last week, I noticed that they were all quietly listening. By Friday, they were participating (appropriately!) in the activities. They've asked if they can come back on days when they don't have detention! I've never heard of middle school kids wanting to give up lunch to be in their third reading class of the day. It makes me so happy! I told them they could come on Tuesdays and Thursdays (the 6th graders just work on their computers on the other days) when I do my reading strategy lessons. Tomorrow's going to be great. I'm trying to teach them how good readers ask questions before, during, and after reading. Whenever I introduce a strategy, I start with a simple, concrete mini-lesson that we can refer back to. So I got some dried Turkish apricots from Whole Foods tonight, which look all crazy and kind of disgusting. The kids are going to practice thinking of questions before, during, and after eating them. And just like it feels good to satisfy your curiousity about how a food will taste, it also feels really good to find the answers to things you've been wondering about while reading! I think I'm also going to have a giant poster where kids can write things they've been wondering about. And then the kids are going to practice writing questions before, during, and after reading using an article from one of my favorite books: "Oh, Yuck: The Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty." They love reading about the science of boogers and head lice and burps.

Didn't mean to ramble and be boring, but I'm just so excited that things are finally looking up at work. Hopefully I continue to live up to people's expectations and can learn and grow in my profession. Even though I'm less nervous, there's still so much I don't know. No matter how long I teach, there will still be things I need to learn! This is yet another reason why I love what I do.

I Heart Fall

2011-09-25T12:42:00.003-05:00

I love fall so much. I was sooo homesick last year during fall. It sucked knowing that everyone back home was wearing sweatshirts, and in Phoenix it was still 95 degrees at the end of October. (Of course, once December hit, it was like fall and spring for 5 months with no winter- heaven!)

Saturday I went for a gorgeous 8 mile hike on the Ice Age Trail up in Wisconsin. I didn't see another soul, so it was the very best kind of hike. I even did part of it without my iPod on because it was just so quiet; I love that sound of absolute silence and feeling like you're the only one around for miles and miles. Other things I loved about my hike were:

The vivid fall colors- all the trees are changing!

The sound of leaves crunching under my feet

The perfect sweatshirt weather

The smell of fall (why does it always smell like something is burning in the fall??)

I wish my iPhone took better pictures. The colors don't look right. But I loved walking through this:

Into this:

In Phoenix I complained all the time about the lack of green, so now I'm trying not to take it for granted.

You can't really tell, but the leaves were all different colors. It was the perfect time to go!

Other things I love about fall:

New beginnings. I love starting fresh with a new class. September is the honeymoon period, where all the kids are too scared to misbehave and you're all energized and full of new ideas after the summer. I feel like I run on adrenaline the whole month because I'm so busy and excited. One of my favorite things in life is possibilities and starting new things.

Candles. I love burning cinnamon-y candles! Oh, how I miss the 50% off I got when I worked at Yankee for 5 years. I'd love to buy some Harvest and Macintosh. But I can't bring myself to pay full price, so I've been burning some Target knockoffs that are almost as good. My mom's been burning this Marshmallow one from Bath and Body that is amazing. The whole house smells good!

Fall foods. I love apple cider donuts and candy corn and warm apple crisp with ice cream. And of course, caramel apples from Dan's in Joliet- the best caramel apples in the world!!

Sleeping with my windows open wearing warm pajamas and fuzzy socks.

Going to the store on Sunday morning and seeing everyone in their Bears gear.

Fall is the best!! I'm just trying not to think of what's coming next...

Chicago Erin

2011-09-16T20:56:00.002-05:00

Rachel should charge a fee for her therapy services.

We were on the phone the other night, and I was telling her about Outdoor Ed. Specifically, the high ropes course- you go up a rock-climbing wall, cross three complicated rope things, and then zip line down. Rachel was like, "I bet you were all over that."

"What are you talking about? I didn't even consider it. I'm out of shape, I don't like heights, I'm totally uncoordinated, and I didn't want everyone watching me."

"Um, Erin? What's wrong with you? Phoenix Erin was such a bad-ass; she would've been so excited about that... We need to figure out why Chicago's not working for you."

This change has crept up on me, but it's definitely happening. Rachel was right. If this had been in Phoenix, sure, I would've been nervous, but I would've been excited to try. (And I don't think I would have had a choice; my coworkers would have just expected me to do it, given my reputation for crazy adventures, and the kids would have insisted.) But in the moment, it honestly didn't even occur to me. I did kind of think it would be fun to climb up the wall and just rappel back down, but my insecurities immediately took over and I didn't think I could do it. WTF? What's wrong with me?

This is Chicago Erin. Or at least, Naperville Erin. Self-conscious. No confidence. Insecure. Boring. And it wasn't a conscious decision to be like this, it's just happening. I feel like I'm trying to cling to the things that made me happy in Phoenix, but those things are gone and I'm just kind of lost. And I'm in this in-between phase where I live with my parents, so I feel like I don't have much of a life. I'm still in hermit mode; I have to force myself to call/text people.

I need to figure out what my problem is and snap out of it. And, as Rachel said, I need to figure out why Chicago's not working for me so I can fix it.

2011-09-14T18:47:00.002-05:00

Outdoor Ed was a blast! We went to the same place I went in 8th grade. It was so great to do it as an adult, without all the insecurities I had back then. Plus I got to have my iPhone and Diet Coke and flat iron. When I was in 8th grade, I remember doing this thing where we had to get everyone in the group over a wall, and I was freaking out because everyone was going to know how heavy I was. On top of that, someone tripped in the cafeteria and spilled soup on me, which was also very traumatic and embarrassing. Everything is such a big deal when you're in middle school! I try really hard to be sensitive of that with my students.

Anyway, this time was different. My coworker, Katie, and I ran the pond mucking station, where the kids collected muck and looked for organisms. This was not as exciting as it sounded, and we were glad that they added something new this year- the worm holes. After pond mucking for a little while, we'd take the kids over to the giant tube slides that they went down in sleds. The last group we had today was really good at launching people down them. When they launched me, I was actually briefly airborne. It was SO fun.

I think my favorite part of the experience was the night hike. When we did this in 8th grade, we were with this grumpy teacher, Mr. Martin, so most of us smuggled Walkmans along. A few girls got caught, and we got this huge lecture about how we'd never make it out of this metaphorical "basement" to the "attic." So I made sure my kids were not bored on the night hikes. I hung back for the first one, observing Katie. She tried to make up a scary story, but it was not very effective. So for the second one, I made up the story. I was pretty proud of myself; I included just enough factual details to make the kids really believe that there was an escaped serial killer in the area. During the hike, I kept looking over my shoulder, saying that I felt like someone was watching me. And then the wind would pick up at just the right moment, and the kids would think they saw something in the shadows. (They weren't allowed to have flashlights.) One girl started freaking out and crying, so I felt kinda bad about that. I guess her counselor couldn't get her to calm down (even though I told her I was lying), because the freaking out led to her being homesick, so she was up till 2 a.m. Oops.

So obviously, we teachers enjoyed ourselves and had just as many shenanigans as the kids. Around midnight last night, the science teacher woke up a bunch of the kids and had them come outside while he shot his potato gun. Me, Katie, and Heather were sharing a cabin, and apparently they were right outside our window and we slept through the whole thing. What a responsible bunch of supervisors we were!

Overall, it was a great experience. I got to know some of the kids, made friends with some of my coworkers, and just felt like I was on vacation for a few days. Going back to work tomorrow will be rough, but I can't believe the last 3 days counted as work and the week's almost over!

Remembering

2011-09-11T08:56:00.003-05:00

We promised we would never forget. So here’s what I remember:

I remember the phone ringing and waking me up on a Tuesday morning. My aunt sounded upset, but I was too tired to register that and said, “Oh, Aunt Kathy, I’m glad you called. I needed to get the name of the lady who does your hair..” She interrupted to ask if I’d been watching tv, and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. I went out to the living room to tell my mom, who was giving a piano lesson, and went back to my room to watch tv. I saw the second plane hit, and went out to tell my mom. I saw that the Pentagon had been hit, and went out to tell my mom. It seemed like every few minutes, I was going out to share more bad news with her.

I remember how scary that morning was. We didn’t know when it was going to stop. It seemed like one thing after another. Many of the skyscrapers in downtown Chicago were evacuated, including my dad’s. I remember my mom and I pleading with him to come home, and him calmly explaining that he had responsibilities. If he’d been in the twin towers, no doubt we would’ve lost him because he would have been helping other people. He did finally come home early, much to our relief.

I remember driving to class at Concordia that afternoon (because they didn’t cancel classes), and noticing how eerie it was to not see planes in the sky.

I remember hearing that some students’ parents had shown up on campus to pick up their kids. (They were from more rural areas.)

I remember going to a chapel service on campus late that afternoon. This is one of my most vivid memories. We did a liturgy called the Litany, and never have I said “Lord, have mercy,” with so much emotion. Lutherans are not very expressive, but everyone there put their heart and soul into those words. It was one of the strongest times I’ve felt the Holy Spirit’s presence.

I remember feeling more patriotic than I ever had before. I loved hearing the stories of people just loading up their pickup trucks and heading to New York to see what they could do to help. We all just desperately wanted to help. When they asked us to give blood, the response was overwhelming. We hated feeling so helpless. But it made me feel so proud to live in this country where we were able to set aside our differences and say to the world, “Do your worst, but we will continue to love and help each other; you can’t break us.” The darkness of the terrorists brought out the light in us. What a shame that it takes a tragedy to do this, and that we can’t seem to remember this lesson we learned. What a shame that, nine years later, the Republicans tried to block a bill for 9/11 first responders just to thwart the Democrats.

I remember being in awe of the heroes in the police and fire departments who ran up into the buildings instead of away from them.

I remember watching footage of people cheering in the streets and realizing for the first time how the rest of the world perceives us.

I remember a day or two later, when President Bush had a national moment of silence. I was driving to see TJ in rehab, and I pulled over to pray. And then everyone sang, “God Bless America.” All of a sudden, everyone was singing this song, and I had never heard it before.
I remember how we were afraid to laugh again. No one was sure how to be funny. I really enjoyed the South Park episode that showed one of the kids’ moms laying on the couch, watching CNN 24 hours a day. That was exactly how some people dealt with it. And I remember The Onion doing an article with the headline “A Shattered Nation Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again.” My favorite line: “Where have you gone, J. Lo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.” The day before, J. Lo was the most important thing in our news.

I remember the nation waiting, eagerly anticipating what Bush’s reaction would be. I listened to his speech at work at Yankee Candle while cleaning the store after close. We were thrilled that the U.S. was going to DO something, although the thought of a “war on terror” was overwhelming. But we needed to feel like the U.S. was taking action. (Then, Bush announced that we were going into Iraq , and we all said, “Huh?”)

Everything changed that day. It was a Tuesday just like any other, and within minutes, our nation changed. I think that’s what I remember more than anything else- how the mundane turned tragic within instants, and things would never be the same.

What bothers me now is thinking about how ethnocentric we are. When all those men from Seal Team Six were killed recently, my dad commented that it was awful, but that during WWII, a hundreds of men were killed daily. And then I thought about the great losses of life in other countries, where there is genocide and starvation, and how these tragedies are happening all the time and we’re not even aware. This felt real because it was so close to home, and it helps me to remember that deaths in other places aren’t just numbers, they’re people, just like the people we lost here.

The Weekend So Far

2011-09-10T21:03:00.003-05:00

The weekend after Labor Day means the Sandwich Fair! I've been almost every year since I was like, 10. I love seeing the farm animals and the crafts and quilts and most of all, the award-winning vegetables. Don't ask me why, but I get really excited about these. This year, my favorite things to see were the enormous rutabagas and this crazy-looking deformed squash. Seriously, I went nuts over a rutabaga. I also enjoyed these pumpkins.

My new Camelbak came in the mail the other day and I was dying to try it out, so I went for a hike at Starved Rock today. Yes, it is frequently an object of my scorn; it doesn't feel like real hiking since there are so many wooden walkways and it's so crowded. But it was still nice to see some cliffs in Illinois.

I also found this nice little alcove that I climbed into to take a break. It was off the path and somewhat private, which was nice. It was kind of pathetic how excited I was to climb up something.

Other than that, nothing too exciting going on this weekend. Plans for tomorrow include church with my parents, visiting my grandma (who had another stroke that took away more of her memory), hanging out with Nicole, and watching football. A nice, relaxing weekend.

Black Hawk Down

2011-09-08T05:54:00.002-05:00

When Ray pressed a worn copy of Black Hawk Down into my hands and insisted I read it, I kind of wanted to laugh in his face. I'm pretty immovable on my stance of not reading anything upsetting/violent/unhappy. After 10 years of friendship, doesn't he know that? Instead, I smiled politely and accepted the book with no intention of reading it.

But our school does SSR time (sustained silent reading) twice a week, and last week, I needed something to read. Something school-appropriate; I didn't want to have to explain the plot of Cops and Cowboys. So I grabbed Black Hawk Down and was immediately hooked.

It's intense. I feel like I'm watching a movie; there's so much excitement. It's not the kind of nonfiction I'm used to reading.

I like how it's telling the story from so many points of view. I'm not very far into it, but in addition to the American soldiers, they've also shared a Somali point of view. And it's so sad, because you see that in war, you're killing actual people with stories and families and that you may have things in common with them.

But at the same time, it's fascinating to see what motivates these soldiers to fight. I especially liked this quote:

"That's why Howe and the rest of the D-boys loved it... War was ugly and evil, for sure, but it was still the way things got done on most of the planet. Civilized states had nonviolent ways of resolving disputes, but that depended on the willingness of everyone involved to back down. Here in the raw Third World, people hadn't learned to back down, at least not until after a lot of blood flowed... Intellectuals could theorize until they sucked their thumbs right off their hands but in the real world, power still flowed from the barrel of a gun. If you wanted the starving masses in Somalia to eat, then you had to outmuscle men like this Aidid, for whom starvation worked. You could send in your bleeding heart do-gooders, you could hold hands and pray and sing hootenanny songs and invoke the great gods CNN and BBC, but the only way to finally open the roads to the big-eyed babies was to show up with more guns. And in this real world, nobody had more or better guns than America. If the good-hearted ideals of humankind were to prevail, then they needed men who could make it happen."

I'm really looking forward to doing more reading during SSR time today. And I can't wait to rent the movie when I'm done!

Living a good story

2011-09-07T11:01:00.000-05:00

In his brilliant book “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,” my boyfriend Donald Miller talks about how our lives are like a story. A story consists of a character who wants something and has to overcome conflict to get it. In one section he discusses the “want.” What we want determines the quality of our story. No one would want to go see a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo and has to overcome conflict to get it.

I had the sobering realization the other day that this actually is my current story. What do I want? A Subaru. I have really good reasons for wanting it. It will allow me to do more of the things I love, and save money doing them because I can just sleep in the back of my car. But attaining this Subaru is not easy. It’s going to take several months of saving. And, as a result of that saving, I won’t be able to go on many hiking adventures. This is the conflict I have to overcome to reach my goal.

Would anyone want to watch a movie about my life right now? Most definitely not. And this is why I’ve kind of been a hermit lately, not calling or hanging out with people. I’m boring. My story is going to work to get a paycheck to pay my numerous and overwhelming bills. I get up at 5:15, work all day, come home, have dinner, obsess over Weight Watcher points, watch tv, and go to bed.

When I talked to Rachel the other night, she suggested the next step would be figuring out what I can change to live a better story. But honestly, I don’t think there’s much I can do right now. I need to lose weight, pay my bills, and get a new car. The exciting story can come after those things have been accomplished. I guess sometimes every story gets boring. Just like on True Blood. Mico once pointed out how they had to have some building episodes that lead up to the exciting stuff. So I have to see this period in my life as a building episode and know that the excitement is coming. I’m just really bad at being patient.

Chequamegon-Nicolet National Forest

2011-09-05T17:10:00.004-05:00

The closest wilderness areas to Chicago are 5 hours south of here, near Carbondale, and 5 hours north, in the north woods of Wisconsin. I felt like I was going to die if I didn't get out of the city this weekend, so I opted for the cooler temps of the north woods. It was only my third time up there, and I can't believe what I've been missing! I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time up there in the near future.

I did the Jones Spring trail, which should have been a 9 mile loop, but I cut it short and made it 6 instead due to a wardrobe malfunction. I was wearing Kristin's hand-me-down hiking pants, which were too big on her. I didn't realize how big they were on me until a mile into the hike, when it started to rain. I don't mind getting wet and dirty, and I had an umbrella. But the pants were getting all wet, which weighed them down, and it's really hard to hold an umbrella while holding your pants up, but if I didn't hold them, they were actually halfway down my butt. Due to this unfortunate turn of events, I took the shortcut trail back to my car.

But it was a lovely hike. I especially enjoyed when it started raining, and it was all dark and windy and I was listening to Kenny Chesney's "Somewhere With You."

This was my view as I started out on the path:

The trail passes by Fanny Lake:

I saw a bunch of these mushrooms that were so bright, I thought they were trash or something at first. They were even brighter orange than a pumpkin, and some of them had red on them. My mom consulted her mushroom field guides when I got home, but we're still not sure what they were.

These trees looked really crazy. It felt like I was in a painting or something.

I almost stepped on this guy toward the end of the hike. I apologized and asked if I could take his picture. Then I realized I was talking to a snake.

I can't wait to head back up there. I think I'd go every weekend if I could.

God's sense of humor

2011-08-08T17:40:00.002-05:00

After I met my dream man about a month ago, I became discouraged about life. "How on Earth will I ever meet a wilderness firefighter/lumberjack in Naperville?" I lamented.

The other day I was looking at my "quiver" on okCupid, and one of my matches was a former National Park Ranger and lumberjack currently living in Naperville. I messaged him to ask if he was going through withdrawl like I was. "I cry myself to sleep every night" was his response. We've been messaging back and forth about hiking for the past few days now.

Who knows if anything will come of this (probably nothing, except for some great trail recommendations), but it's almost like God heard me complaining and was like, "BAM! Don't doubt my plan for you!" I love His sense of humor.

Back in Naperville

2011-08-02T20:10:00.002-05:00

So. Here I am. Never thought I'd be living at home again. But, I know it's just for a few months. It's going to be really nice to save a little money. And my parents are pretty awesome ("No, relax! I'll clear the table..." "I stocked the fridge with Diet Coke for you..." "Need me to do any laundry for you?") And my dad has a really sweet tv that I'm excited to watch football on. The only problem is my mom's four cats, to which I am horribly allergic. So I feel all itcy and stuffed up all the time. The only safe place is my bedroom. But besides this, being home is okay.

The problem is that I am homesick. I guess I should've foreseen this. On the way to my first day of work yesterday, I just kept wondering if I made a horrible mistake in moving back. But I don't think so. I think everything's gone exactly the way it was supposed to. Things just fell into place with moving to Phoenix, and I made so many amazing friends and acquired a new hobby and changed and grew so much. Clearly, that was meant to be. Then everything went so smoothly with my return to Chicago- I got a job easily, money appeared out of nowhere to cover moving costs, and I found out my principal was my assistant principal in high school- we know all the same people. It's like it was all meant to be. And the raise I'm getting here will allow me to travel and pursue my new passion for canyoneering. So I know it's all for the best, but that doesn't stop me from missing my friends and wishing I was back in Phoenix. I just need to focus on all the good things I have ahead of me here.

The Fear Factor Wilderness Triathlon

2011-07-19T15:20:00.004-05:00

On Saturday morning, Kristin and I set off on our most adventurous hike yet- White Canyon in Utah. Specifically, the section with the Black Hole. We knew this hike was going to be hardcore and prepared for it as thoroughly as possible. We even rented wetsuits and life jackets because we heard hypothermia is a concern. We were ready to be the Charlie’s Angels of canyoneering.

When we arrived in the parking area, we saw rain clouds in the distance. Aware of the danger of flash floods, we delayed our departure for a bit. As we descended into the canyon, we remained alert and cautious. We had carefully researched flash floods, knowing this would be the biggest danger. Luckily, the water level and flow stayed consistent, so we knew we’d be okay.

The water on this hike was not pretty; the pools were muddy and brown. I don’t think I’ve ever been so muddy in my life. There were long stretches where we hiked through ankle-deep mud. But once you accept the fact that you’re just going to be dirty, it was no big deal.

(This is right after I fell in the water and got wet for the first time.)

Things were fine until we hit the log jam.

This was the point of no return. There was a drop-off into the water that would be impossible to climb back out of. We thought this was the infamous Black Hole, but we were mistaken. This was actually a log jam created by a flash flood several years ago. Regardless, we knew that once we jumped, we couldn’t go back. The guides say that this hike is not only physically demanding, but also psychologically challenging. This is why. But, being the adrenaline junkees that we are, we were excited. We changed into our wetsuits and made this video, then jumped in.

It was not what we were expecting. This is when the hike turned into an episode of Fear Factor. The log jam had left quite a bit of debris floating in the water- logs, plants, etc. All of this debris pulled you down- thank God for the life jackets. On top of that, there were bugs crawling all over the logs and plants. So imagine swimming through all this nastiness, and the bugs and stuff are right in your face. At one point, there was an infestation of flies like something from a horror movie. I don’t know how I stayed calm through this; I just tried to pretend I wasn’t seeing the bugs. The only part that was truly scary was getting out. I lack upper body strength, and it was extremely difficult to pull yourself out of there with all of that stuff weighing you down. Plus you’re wearing a bulky life jacket and a backpack. Kristin had to help pull me out. Now, she will forever be the friend who saved my life. I’m so glad she does those Insanity workouts.

We forged ahead and came to another dryfall. This one had shallow water at the bottom, so jumping in was not an option. Luckily, someone had left a rope there, so we were able to rappel down into it.

Finally, we reached the actually Black Hole. It really wasn’t that scary! Yes, it takes some nerve to jump into a black pit. And the walls are really narrow (like, only as wide as your body), and there’s boulders lodged above you, creating kind of a claustrophobic feeling. It’s about 500 feet of swimming, but you can’t see the end because there’s a 90 degree turn at one point. But this water was free of debris, and we had our wetsuits and life jackets, so we were comfortable. And, after all, this is what we came for!

After the Black Hole, it was supposed to be a mile and a half to the exit. We thought this would go by quickly, but it didn’t. Route-finding continued to be an issue. Not a problem, just something to deal with. We had to stop frequently to figure out our way around obstacles. We’re pretty good problem-solvers, but this takes time. Finally, we saw some cairns that looked like they were leading up and out of the canyon. We were hesitant, because this exit was not on the map. However, I think we were both feeling a little desperate. We knew it was getting late, and we were kind of tired of being in the canyon. The thought of going back in the water and mud was slightly overwhelming, so we decided to explore this exit option. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out.

(Kristin consults the guide. We are so ready to be done at this point.)

(We thought these looked like the Cliffs of Insanity in The Princess Bride.)

We plunged back into the water and mud, trying to stay calm. Soon we came to the side canyon that was listed on the map as an alternate exit. One of the guides said this required rock climbing, but we pursued it anyway. We had to turn back when we encountered a 20 foot high boulder that needed to be climbed. At this point, it was dark enough that we had to put on our headlamps.

We didn’t know what time it was (my iPhone didn’t survive the water), but we knew it was late. And we had told Kristin’s mom that we would check in with her by 7:00. So adding to our concern about getting out of the canyon was the knowledge that our families were probably getting worried. But it was also really comforting to know that, if we couldn’t get out, someone knew where to find us.

Once back in the main canyon, we were able to spot the chimney rock that was supposed to mark the easy exit. However, it was way too dark to try to navigate our way out and find cairns. At that point, we realized we’d just have to spend the night in the canyon.

Kristin said she fully expected me to freak out at this point. Honestly, I expected myself to freak out. I don’t do camping. But I was perfectly calm. The only thing on my mind was the fact that our families were worried, but, like Kristin said, we had to just put that out of our minds because there was nothing we could do about it. I was completely confident that we’d easily find our way out in the morning, and in the meantime, our location was ideal. It was a wide, flat area, and there were lots of dead branches nearby, making it easy to build a fire. The moon was almost full, giving us plenty of light. Since we were in a canyon, there were no wild animals to worry about. The night was so warm, we would have been okay even without the Survivorman blanket. We had everything we needed. We laid on top of our wetsuits, propped up against a rock, and I fell asleep thinking of Jesus’s words in Matthew: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” God totally provided for us that night.

The next morning we woke up ready to get out of that canyon. We were shaky and sore and slightly dehydrated, but determined. We made this video before we left. It’s funny; you can see how exhausted we were compared to the previous day’s video.

In the daylight, we were easily able to spot the cairns indicating the exit. It was at this point, however, that we realized we were in over our heads. This was supposed to be a Class 2B canyon, meaning there’s scrambling but no rock climbing required. But there were parts of this climb that were nearly impossible to do without ropes. There were three places where Kristin had to scramble up a nearly vertical ledge (she has longer legs and once again, that super upper body strength). I would throw her the rope, and we’d rope up the packs. Then she would tie the rope around her waist, sit down and brace herself, and I would climb the rope. (Yesterday I learned this is called a body belay. We were unintentionally rock climbing.) The first time we had to do this, I was ready to give up and just sit and wait for rescue. We were standing on top of an enormous boulder, and we had to climb up to a ledge that was maybe 6 feet above us. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but there was a crevice in between the boulder and ledge, so if you fell, you’d be seriously injured. And the only way up was a log that looked something like this.

My picture doesn’t make it look scary, but it totally was. But after using the rope for that first time, we got more comfortable with it and it was no big deal, just part of the climbing process.

Finally, we emerged from the canyon and saw the road in the distance. There was much rejoicing in that moment. We agreed that we needed to hitchhike rather than walk the 2 miles back to the car. A few minutes later, a pickup truck approached, and we stuck out our thumbs. We were pleasantly surprised when the truck immediately pulled over. I attributed it to all those nice Mormons in Utah, but it was actually the guy sent from the sheriff’s department to do the rescue. It was perfect timing; we felt a huge sense of accomplishment that we’d gotten ourselves out of the canyon, but we were so glad we didn’t have to walk those last two miles back to the car. And he had water!!!

He was super nice and not at all annoyed with us, like I was afraid he would be. It sounds like he does rescues from this canyon pretty frequently. He told us that just a few days before, he’d rescued some scouts from the Black Hole. Later on, Kristin and I realized the implications of this statement. As Kristin so eloquently worded it- we out-badassed the scouts! And they must have had experienced, knowledgeable leaders with them. We are pretty proud of this.

The worst part of all this was the worry we caused our families. Kristin’s parents arrived not long after we were found; they’d driven all the way up from Pinetop. Kristin’s dad was the most calm; he figured we’d just run out of daylight, but was concerned that one of us had been hurt and that’s why we hadn’t made it out. Her mom was also afraid we were hurt. My parents jumped to the conclusion we were dead. I think it was especially hard for my parents because they don’t see me as being at all capable in the wilderness.

When the guy from the sheriff’s department picked us up, it was 9:15 a.m. We’d be in the canyon about 24 hours. We were dirty and disgusting and banged up and dehydrated, but we did it. We are calling it the Fear Factor Wilderness Triathlon because it involved hiking, climbing, and swimming and had that psychological element as well. And after having a few days to recover, we can’t wait for our next adventure.

Lave River Tube in Flagstaff

2011-07-10T14:55:00.006-05:00

Yesterday Kristin and I went to a Lave River Tube near Flagstaff, and let me tell you, we spelunked like crazy.

We walked down this trail

　
and came to a hole in the ground.

　
We were a little surprised by how busy it was; there were a lot of families. (This is totally the kind of thing I’ll do with my family someday.) Since there were so many people there (some of whom had lanterns), I pretended we were in the cave in Tom Sawyer, trying to get away from Injun Joe.
We were super excited to actually have a reason to wear our headlamps.

The hike begins with quite a bit of scrambling, which is easy going up, but I’m super slow going down. But then the trail levels out. It’s almost like being in a subway tunnel; it’s all rounded, and you can see where the lava was flowing through the cave and just froze in place. (The geography of Flagstaff is really interesting; there are cinder cones everywhere, and when you look at the rocks on the ground, they’re all porous and obviously igneous.)

There were the beginnings of stalagtites or stalagmites or whatever (they look like drips here in this picture).

We hiked about a mile to the end of the cave, where we stopped and made this video.

Overall, we had a blast. I was worried about being claustrophobic, but it wasn’t a problem. Most of it was pretty spacious. There were a few parts where you had to crouch down, but they were brief. And it was so nice and cold in the cave… a really pleasant change from 110 here in Phoenix!

Jesus Is a High School Quarterback

2011-07-08T11:57:00.002-05:00

A year and a half ago, I called Rachel on a Thursday night. "I'm coming to see you on Saturday," I said. I was in my usual holiday funk, but last year, there was something else going on, too.

A few nights later, Rachel and I sat outside on her patio in Phoenix, smoking cigarettes and talking about God. I confided in her that my faith felt completely empty. I'd stopped going to church, reading my Bible, and praying, and felt no different than I had before. I went on to explain that I actually felt guilty bothering God with my petty little problems when people around the world are starving and being raped, murdered, oppressed, and exploited.

Rachel seemed unsurprised by my confession. "I saw this coming," she said. "You finally let your lack of self-worth mess up your relationship with God." It was an uncomfortable truth, but one I couldn't argue with. So, now what?

I threw myself into making it better. Started reading my Bible again, participating in our Small Group discussions, and, when I moved to Phoenix, attending church. All of these things seemed to bring me closer to God and Jesus. When I was younger, I struggled with what it menat to love God. Now, I finally feel like I'm starting to get it. The more I learn about the things Jesus said and did, and what's important to God, and his plan for the world, the more I fall in love. I don't know how to put it into words, but I'll read something Jesus said and think, "What a bad ass!" or see how God's actions reveal his character and just be in total awe of this God I get to worship. It's like, an honor to worship him. I'm genuinely in love with God, and I totally want to hang out with Jesus.

I thought I was fixed. But even though things seemed to improve on the surface, something still wasn't right. Yesterday, it finally hit me. This whole relationship is completely one-sided. (At least, in my mind it is.) Jesus is like, the popular guy that I'm infatuated with, but I can't imagine he'd give me the time of day. I'm not on a crusade to bring clean drinking water to remote parts of Africa, or fighting cancer. I feel like those people are in the "in" crowd; those are the people who matter to Jesus. Not me and and my silly "I want a boyfriend" or "Where should I live?" problems. I feel whiny and obnoxious even thinking about it. And so guilty for feeling this way, because this is such a stupid problem to have. But I can't help but thinking- how much richer would my life be if I believed that God loves me, and my prayers matter? What possibilities would that open up? My life is pretty fabulous right now- how much fuller would it be if I accepted these things that I know logically are true? What am I missing out on? And how do I fix this?

Falcons Vegetarians

2011-07-08T11:26:00.003-05:00

There were a few vegetarian girls on our team this year, and I always felt bad for them because the other teachers (well, the guys, anyway) teased them mercilessly. I told them to stay strong, and that, this summer, I'd take them out to a fabulous vegetarian restaurant.

Yesterday, I made good on my promise. We went to Green in Scottsdale, which I've heard great things about. It did not disappoint. And it was so reasonably priced! It was kind of like Noodles and Co., only vegan. The girls had never heard of samosas, or edamame, or even hummus, so of course I ordered all three. They also got sandwiches with fake meat and really liked it. It was so much fun to introduce them to these things! Their families are not vegetarian, and I know how hard that is. Their food options are limited because their moms won't make special meals for them (just like mine), and they live in the hood and just aren't being exposed to a lot of things that we take for granted. The restaurant was pretty trendy, and they were so excited to be there. They later said on Facebook that they didn't want to leave!

Not only did we have a delicous meal, we had great conversation as well. I honestly felt like I was out to lunch with girlfriends! Although Alexis later confided in me that she went to pull out her cell phone at one point and then didn't because she didn't want to get in trouble. :)

I love these girls, and I feel so lucky that I got to be their teacher this year. They are beautiful and funny and kind, and best of all, SMART. Alexis, on the left, is an extremely talented musician. Patricia, in the middle, is very quiet and studious in the classroom, but a riot when you get to know her. She cracked me up talking about her fabulous gay Tio, and the time she threatened to punch a girl in the face, and how her older sister tried to convince her parents she's a lesbian. Patricia's going to be a doctor. Norma, on the right, is going to be president of the United States. I'm not even joking. She's president of the student council, beloved by all her classmates, and just a natural born leader. I can't wait to see where these girls end up!

Summer Crafting

2011-07-08T11:18:00.003-05:00

I was soooo bored a few weeks ago, and then I thought, what is my problem? Why am I not using this time to craft!

I was looking for cute fall banners to make, but found this Valentine's one and made it instead. It was supposed to be for a friend, but it took forever, so I think I'm going to keep it. I realized I've never kept anything I've made! So this is for me.

The Man of My Dreams

2011-07-04T14:28:00.002-05:00

I met the man of my dreams the other night. I think all I need to do is write about him, and everyone will understand why.

His name is Nicholas Orion W.

He is a wilderness firefighter from Montana, here to fight that awful fire in eastern Arizona. He lives in a cabin in the woods with his dogs. He is a lumberjack. (He cuts down trees.) In his spare times, he goes hunting with his dogs and hangs out in the woods. He does not own a tv.He has hiked the entire Appalachian Trail and the Pacific equivalent. He listens to old country music and held my hand in the pickup truck he was driving. He is all muscle. In the winter, he takes classes and learns new things. Last year, it was calligraphy because he read somewhere that it’s good for your brain. He wakes up in the morning saying things like, “Let’s go hang-gliding today.” He is competent and takes care of things; I can just relax when I’m around him.

Unfortunately, it looks like I will not be around him anymore. We had about 12 hours together, and that’s it. I told him I had a pen pal from Montana when I was a kid, and he said we should be pen pals. But I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the weekend, and when I texted to invite him to fireworks, he didn’t respond. I really want to text him one more time and give him my email address and tell him I still want to be pen pals, but how needy and pathetic does that sound? I reminded myself this morning of something from the book “He’s Just Not That Into You-” He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you. He doesn’t need you to remind him how great you are. But I keep thinking maybe he got called away on a fire. Or maybe he just doesn’t see the point in us talking since he knows I’m moving back to Chicago. But he has my number. If he likes me, he’ll call. If not, at least I have hope again that there are guys out there I’m interested in; I hadn’t met one in a long time. Unfortunately, the chances of me meeting a lumberjack in Chicago are slim to none.

Andy

2011-06-30T11:52:00.000-05:00

Since Day One, my relationship with my brother has been tumultuous.

I was three years old and he was three days old when we went to pick him up from the adoption agency. My lower lip is jutting out in all the pictures, and I just remember being very upset that day. My parents later explained to me that this was because I thought they were trading me in for my brother.

Andy has always had a wild streak. Even before he could walk, he earned himself the nickname Hurricane Bill. (His middle name is William.) When I was in preschool, my mom wouldn’t set an alarm for me. She would simply open my bedroom door and unleash my brother on me, who would come barreling in in his walker, making a racket that was impossible to sleep through. When he learned to walk, he had a very… enthusiastic way of greeting me. I remember coming home from my neighbor’s one day, and Andy appearing out of nowhere and tackling me to the floor. I regarded him as the world’s biggest pest, but I suppose this was his way of showing that he loved me. And despite my annoyance, I had a huge protective streak towards him. For example, my mom used to take us to parks all over the suburbs, and there was this one I hated because it was near water. I was terrified that my brother would fall in. I remember my five year-old self trying to figure out what we would do in case of this emergency. There was nothing my parents could say to talk me out of this fear.

As Andy grew, we developed a sense of camaraderie. Although he was still a pest sometimes, we became allies. It was us versus my parents. He had this dinner time comedy routine that would result in me spitting out chocolate milk all over our Sesame Street placemats, us being asked to leave the table, and us rolling around on the dining room floor, laughing and laughing. Family vacations were a riot. Well, for me and Andy anyway. Probably not for our parents. There are countless home movies of my parents trying to appreciate national treasures while my brother and I giggle hysterically in the background. When we were younger, it was mostly just silliness. But as we got older, we continued to work together against my parents, and it became less innocent. Like the time we went on a family vacation to Washington D.C., and we kept trying to sneak off so we could smoke cigarettes. We were such BRATS. I still feel an immense amount of guilt for this time in my life. My parents did everything right, and we were awful to them. Rachel said that Mico was commenting on this recently; how he loves Carmen more than anything in the world, and yet he’s pretty sure there will be a period of time where she hates him. That must be a terrible feeling. But, I digress. The point is, Andy was a thorn in my side when I was younger, but as we got older, it was us versus. them.

However, that wild streak stayed with Andy, and as a teenager and adult, it manifests itself in him saying ugly and awful things. For the most part, as adults, we are great friends and confidantes. When I am frustrated with my parents, I am so thankful to have a sibling to whom I can vent about things and who understands it all. I genuinely like my brother as a person, and we have a blast hanging out. But when he is mean, it is extreme. For example, there was the time in my early 20’s when he was going to leave church early to go skateboarding, and I tried to guilt him into staying for the rest of the service. He announced (in a non-whisper voice) that maybe I wouldn’t be such a b--ch if I wasn’t so f-ing fat. Or there was the time we were supposed to drive down to Florida with my mom to visit our sick grandma, who we knew wouldn’t be with us much longer. He stayed out late partying the night before and just wouldn’t get up and come with us the next morning. It was an ugly scene; I think I cried for the entire first hour of our drive.

But despite these things, I love my brother. He could probably write a similar essay about me and my faults. They are many. And for the past several years, our relationship has been uneventful. He’s matured quite a bit (due in part to his job and his amazing girlfriend). But the other night, things got ugly again.

I was watching a documentary about our national parks, and they were talking about Yosemite. This reminded me of my ex, Chuck, with whom I visited Yosemite. Chuck is two years younger than me, and I know my brother knows people who know Chuck. So I texted him and asked if he’s heard anything about Chuck lately. His reply? “F- you.” I said, “What? You’re seriously saying that to me?” And he said, “I was thinking the same thing.”

I don’t get it. Maybe he was mad because it was late back home. (Stupid 2-hour time difference.) But he’s never had a problem with late night texts before. He’s the manager of a restaurant, so he’s usually up late, anyway. So obviously it’s because I asked about Chuck. I just can’t understand why a simple question would prompt that hostile response.

Well, it turns out my brother has a protective streak towards me, too. Although he expressed himself very poorly, the reasoning behind his reaction was sweet. He remembered how utterly devastated I was by that breakup and just can’t stand that I would even be thinking about Chuck. I had no idea he cared this much. So now we’ve come full circle, from me insisting we go to a different park so my brother wouldn’t drown to my brother cursing me out because he’s so afraid I’ll get hurt again by this guy. Apparently, in my family, we express our love in somewhat dysfunctional ways.

Canyoneering Day 3: Bryce Canyon National Park

2011-06-26T20:09:00.004-05:00

What can I really say about Bryce? It was so crazy looking. The rock formations are called hoodoos, and most of them are concentrated in the Bryce Amphitheater, which is aptly named because it feels like you're looking out at a group of aliens or monsters or something.

My 8 mile hike on the Fairyland Loop was most uneventful, but breathtaking. It was the perfect hike in every way: perfect length, perfect weather (75 and sunny), perfect outfit (wearing real hiking clothes makes such a difference!), perfect music (Adele and Taylor Swift), perfect trail conditions (no sand!), perfect amount of people (enough that I wasn't completely isolated, so if I got hurt, someone would find me, but I'd go for long stretches without seeing anyone). There was an embarrassing moment where I was bopping along, singing along with Taylor Swift on my iPod because I hadn't seen anyone in a while, and went around a corner and came face to face with a group of hikers who were obviously laughing at me.

I thought this rock formation looked like a battleship.

I purchased an annual national park pass at Bryce. Looking forward to visiting as many national parks as possible this year!

Canyoneering Day 2: Slot Canyons

2011-06-26T19:36:00.005-05:00

I had never heard of slot canyons until Kristin told me about them. They’re basically just really narrow canyons. James Franco (who I am so in love with) played the guy who got stuck in a slot canyon and had to amputate his arm. (I just found out that canyon is near Canyonlands National Park, so I think Nancy and I may be doing a hike here on our road trip.) Chances are, if you Google “slot canyons,” the pictures you see will be from Upper Antelope Canyon near Page, which is the first one we went to. It’s the most photographed slot canyon in the world, supposedly.

You have to go with a tour group which ended up being really cool. Our guide was this hilarious Navajo lady, Vera. (By the way, I heard on NPR the other day that there are 70,000 people in the Navajo Nation living without running water. Ridiculous, right? Also, did you know the Navajo have no gender words in their language? So you‘ll hear older people say, “This is my daugheter, he is a doctor.”) The ride there and back involved going through sand dunes in an SUV. I took a video on the way back to try to show how bumpy it was, but it’s not that exciting.

Vera took us through the canyon, helping us take good pictures (although I was pretty hopeless). She took this one for Kristin, where the canyon walls are heart-shaped:

At one point, Vera stopped to play her flute for us to provide an authentic Navajo experience. It was gorgeous, and she said she liked that spot specifically because of the acoustics. When she asked for a volunteer to sing, Kristin shoved me forward and suggested that I sing the Sound of Music stuff. I couldn’t say no, so I sang a little. It was so funny because someone joined in and did the background notes, and then people from other tours came by and asked where Julie Andrews was. Vera insisted that I sing one more time on the way back, and I knew what I had to sing. I made sure that Vera wouldn’t be offended, and then I sang “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas. Because really, what else are you going to sing in a sacred canyon on Navajo land? This song is kind of a family joke, but the other people didn’t know that, so they probably thought I was a huge weirdo, but who cares?

I don’t have the videos of my performances, but Vera said she’d send them to me, so hopefully I can post them soon.

Vera also sold these gorgeous necklaces that her mom makes out of seeds.

Before leaving, we quizzed her about Buckskin Gulch, our next stop and the longest slot canyon in the world. The description of the canyon warned against flash floods and quicksand. We wondered how to identify quicksand, since we’ve only seen it in movies. “You know it’s quicksand if you start sinking,” Vera informed us. We then wondered if we should go buy some rope, but Vera said if you get stuck in quicksand, fall backwards, then army-crawl out. And besides, I don’t think me and Kristin would have know what to do with the rope anyway.
The canyon was in a wilderness area. We brought both cars and parked one at each trailhead. Unfortunately, we did not research this hike as carefully as we should have. We started at the Buckskin Gulch trailhead, which required a few miles of hiking before entering the slot canyon. It was 103 degrees with no shade, and we were hiking through sand. I almost passed out.

This is when we thought we were at the slot canyon, but actually weren't:

But the payoff was great. We went through about 2 miles of this amazing slot canyon before reaching the turnoff for Wire Pass trailhead, where the car was (although there was another 2 miles of hiking to get to the car). Next time, I think we’d start at Wire Pass trailhead and do a there-and-back hike.

Anyway, the canyon was unbelievable. The walls must have been 200 feet high in some places, and there were really crazy rock formations. Every time you turned a corner, there was something new and amazing. We took about a million pictures.

You can see how tiny we are compared to how high the walls were, and how narrow they got in some places.

The only thing that was slightly disappointing was that the river was completely dry. I was glad we didn’t have to swim, but a little water would’ve been nice. That meant there was no quicksand, either. And there was very little scrambling; most of that must have been further into the canyon. But this is my new favorite thing, and I’m sad to be leaving the southwest, which is where most of these canyons are.

Canyoneering Day 1: North Rim of the Grand Canyon

2011-06-26T19:16:00.004-05:00

This was my fourth trip to the Grand Canyon, three of which have occurred this year. Everyone raves about how spectacular the North Rim is, but it’s kind of a pain to get to. The road you take to get to it is the only paved road in 2.9 million acres of wilderness.

I figured I better get up there to see it before I move back to Chicago.

This is going to sound absolutely awful, but I was less than impressed. I’m familiar enough with the Grand Canyon that it no longer produces that sense of awe you get when you see it for the first time. And I felt like the views from the South Rim are much better; it looks much more vast. Honestly, the view from the North Rim looked a little like the scenery in Sedona. It was more forested.

The view from where I hiked only showed a narrow portion of the canyon.

I probably should’ve driven to the other lookout spots, but I was exhausted after the hike and was just kind of over the whole thing and not in the mood to deal with traffic and crowds.
The other complaint I have was the trail. It was really sandy! I hiked almost 3 miles down into the canyon and back, and it sucked. Imagine climbing 3 miles of stairs made of sand! I was filthy when I finished.

And then, on top of that, you’re sharing this trail with the mules, which means there’s poop everywhere and it smells really bad. And this is the only trail that goes into the canyon on the North Rim, so there were no other options. The only good thing I can say about it was that it wasn’t too crowded. Bright Angel trail on the South Rim is really crowded AND there’s mule poop. I think the best trail to hike into the canyon is the South Kaibab trail- no mules and fewer people. It’s steeper, but worth it.

Okay, one more good thing I can say about the North Kaibab trail is that they have water available at the trailhead that actually comes from a spring at the bottom of the canyon. Very cool.

On the way to the North Rim, you drive through forests and meadows and it looks a lot like the opening scene in The Sound of Music. (At least, to me it did.) So I had to get out and reenact the scene. And then it made me think of the song Edelweiss, and I had to sing that as well (since I actually knew that one). Yes, I looked incredibly stupid, but it was so fun. That was probably the best part of the day.

Day Trip With Rachel and Carmen

2011-06-26T18:13:00.002-05:00

Rachel and I took a little day trip a few weeks ago. We drove out to Globe and stopped at a few of the shops, then grabbed lunch at this great cheap Mexican place. Then we took 288 north up towards Payson and saw some beautiful scenery. There was only one town on this whole route, a really interesting little town called Young.

I read about a waterfall located off of 288 that we wanted to see, and it was quite an adventure getting there. The websites I looked at said the road would be fine for a sedan, but it was so bumpy we were afraid Carmen would get shaken-baby syndrome. Things got intense enough that we wanted to just turn around, but we were on the edge of a cliff. Finally, there was a turn-out where we paused to calm down. Rachel got out to look at the road up ahead and discovered that we’d made it to the waterfall. It was really pretty.

Here’s the video:

　
Next, we headed up to Payson for a short hike along the Mogollan Rim. Carmen loved it; she grinned the whole way. It was cool and breezy and smelled like pine trees, and there were gorgeous views of 4 Peaks and some other mountains.
All in all, a really fun day!

Where I'm At

2011-06-05T15:30:00.002-05:00

Here are all the boring details of my situation.

I got a job as a reading specialist in Elmhurst. Pretty cool. The raise is really sweet, so I'll finally be comfortable. I'll teach two sections of a reading strategies class and spend the rest of my time working with staff, training them in best practices. Kind of intimidating, but I think I'll enjoy it. I just feel a little like a sell out going to the suburbs. Also, it's exactly what my parents have always wanted for me, which, I have to be honest, irks me just a tiny bit. But the kids I'll be working with need help reading, too. It's not like it's only kids in bad neighborhoods who need help.

I'm moving back to Chicago at the end of July. Nancy's going to fly out and visit for a few days, then we'll pack up a UHaul and head home. I'll probably stay with my parents for about a month, then move to Chicago. Not sure yet if Nancy and I are going to live together; it depends on whether or not she buys a townhouse.

So, I'm sad to be leaving my life here in Phoenix, although it won't be hard to leave the city itself in the middle of the summer. But I'm excited to start something new in Chicago. Everything fell into place so easily; maybe it's just meant to be.

Disneyland!!!!

2011-06-05T14:33:00.010-05:00

Disneyland was a dream come true!!! I know this sounds silly, but I mean it! I've been to Disney World a million times. We'd go to Florida almost every summer to visit my mom's family, and my dad would let my brother and I choose one theme park to visit. Of course, I always chose the Magic Kingdom. Disney World is pretty much my favorite place in the world, so I was thrilled to have the opportunity to finally visit Disneyland!

Amanda and I drove out last Friday night and stayed at my friend Tricia's for the weekend. Tricia and her fiance are from Chicago, but moved to Orange County last summer. They live in the town that's just inland from Laguna Beach. Beautiful! I never understood what the big fuss was about when it comes to southern California. Now I get it!

We spent Saturday at California Adventure. The highlight of the park is defnitely Soarin'. Okay, here's how ridiculous I am- I actually teared up the first time we rode it. It's just so beautiful! I could go on that ride all day. We also really liked the Toy Story ride.

The World of Color show was also spectacular. It was just a really fun day!

Amanda and I went to Disneyland the next day. I was super excited to get a First Time Visitor pin! (Although I felt like a bit of a cheater since I've been to Disney World so many times.)

We had a magical day! Here are some of the highlights:

I'm terrified of roller coasters, but I gave Big Thunder Mountain a chance. It was pretty scary the first time, but I liked it, so we went on 4 more times! Two of those times were in the dark, and it was like a whole different ride.

The first ride we went on was Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, which I remember going on with my dad when I was little. I was really sad when they took it away and super excited to go on it again at Disneyland. It was so funny to go on it as an adult, because I realized what the storyline is: Mr. Toad drinks and drives and goes to hell! When we were in the hell part, Amanda was like, "I'm actually scared!" I really hope they leave this ride there, even though it's totally inappropriate for little kids.

We rode pretty much everything we wanted to, except the Matterhorn thing, which was closed. I really enjoyed going on the rides they don't have at Disney World; I think Indiana Jones is one of my new favorite rides! And I loved seeing how the rides differed from the ones at Disney World, like how there were two drops in Pirates of the Caribbean instead of just one. (By the way, the Johnny Depp mannequins look JUST like him. It's kinda creepy. If I were Johnny Depp, I'd go to Disney and ask them to let me on the ride, and pose with the scenes, and then jump out and scare people.)

I had a confrontation with a man in line for Peter Pan. We noticed this disturbing trend of one parent waiting in line, then the other parent coming and handing their kids to them when they get to the front of the line. NOT COOL. First of all, way to give your kid a sense of entitlement and make them think rules don't apply to them. Second of all, that's just so unfair to the parents who are working hard to keep their kids patient and well-behaved. So this guy said, "Excuse me, can we just squeeze through here? My wife's up there." And I was like, "No." And he said, "But I was already in line..." and I said, "No, I think that's really rude." And turned my back on him. Amanda said he was watching me the whole time we went through the line. But that jerk waited till his wife got closer to him, then handed his kid over and jumped the rail himself and got on the ride before us. Amanda said he was trying to get my attention and smirking at me. I wanted to punch him in the face. Disney should employ people to monitor that kind of thing.

The best part of the day was when we posed for this picture.

I thought this pirate was pretty hot, and then I realized, he's flirting with us!! As we walked away, I told Amanda, "He totally wants us." Which was funny because after that we stopped in the washroom and realized we looked pretty rough; it was obvious we'd had a long day in a theme park. But whatever, he thought we were hot. So I wrote down her number, and we went back to find him. We stood near where he was talking to some people, and he approached us (which made Amanda feel better). He flirted some more, so I said, "If you're not doing anything later tonight, give us a call," and slipped him the number. And he texted!!!! He wanted to know if we were just in town for the night, and unfortunately, we were, so it didn't work out. Also, we started thinking about it and realized he was most likely a college kid there on an internship. Oh well. He was hot, and he wanted us!!

The next day, Tricia and her fiance showed us around Laguna Beach, and I got to dip my feet in the Pacific Ocean. Actually, a little more than my feet. I misjudged the size of a wave.

I had one of those moments where I was like, I can't believe this is my life. I felt like bursting with happiness and gratitude for the things I get to experience. Actually, I felt like that all weekend. My life is far from perfect, but I feel so lucky and so thankful for the things I get to do.

Saturday's Hiking Adventure: Payson

2011-05-10T15:56:00.003-05:00

I had a quiet, lovely weekend. I hung out with Rachel and Mico on Friday night, and we laughed at how old we are when we realized we were watching Dateline (or whatever news show was on) and playing Scrabble.

Kristin and I went hiking up near Payson on Saturday. Payson is up in the mountains, so it's cooler. (It's all gross and hot here now.) Payson is beautiful because it's right by the Mogollan Rim. The Mogollan Rim is this really interesting geologic feature. The northern part of Arizona is on a plateau (that's where the Grand Canyon is; everything's flat, and then all of a sudden there's this hole in the ground), and then the Mogollan Rim is where there's this huge dropoff into the valley where Phoenix is. And it stretches on for hundreds of miles. I didn't get any good pictures on this trip, but I'll try to next time. It's breathtaking.

Anyway, the hike was so pretty because it reminded me of northern Michigan, all green and piney smelling. It amazes me how there is so much diversity in this state. All of that lush green landscape is only an hour and a half away from me, and I'm in the middle of ugly brown desert.

We were really excited to see a creek. It's funny how water becomes a novelty when you're in the desert.

(Kristin is making a face because the water is really cold.)

We enjoyed hanging out by the creek for a while, but then we were being dive-bombed by enormous butterflies (which was even more terrifying because they were types I'm not familiar with), so we got out of there.

I was super excited to sing for church on Sunday morning. I was asked to sing a special Mother's Day song, which was really difficult because pretty much everything we could think of sounded so cheesy. We finally settled on Taylor Swift's "The Best Day," thinking that at least the teen girls would like it, and the words are pretty cute. I was self-conscious about singing it, but there was a slide show of mothers and daughters in the background, so I felt better not being the center of attention.

In addition to singing Taylor Swift, I got to sing with the worship band, and it was SO FUN. I wish I could do this every week. There was this Appalachian hymn called "Holy is Your Name," that was so beautiful, and we sang acapella in harmony, and there was this call and response African piece where I got to be the leader. The comment I heard the most after the service was how happy I looked to be singing, so I'm glad that showed. I just hope the singing was good, too. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the emotion of the moment, and the rules of good singing go out the window. Our choir director in college used to yell at us to not get sentimental.

I went to yoga class on Sunday afternoon, and there seemed to be a lot more groaning than usual, like people were just dying. And afterwards, in the locker room, the ladies were all like, "I thought there would be enough time for the mimosas to wear off!" Haha. Anyway, I'm still in love with Bikram yoga and think everyone in the world should be doing it.

2011-05-06T15:20:00.003-05:00

I don't even know where this week went. I kept meaning to blog about my fabulous weekend, and now all of a sudden it's the next weekend.

Last Friday night, I watched the royal wedding on my DVR and loved it. The music was beautiful. Her dress was absolutely gorgeous. And I really liked their old-fashioned vows. I also thought it was funny that he was going back to work on Tuesday. I heard they don't have maids at their house, either. I wonder if they're really as normal as the media makes them seem?

Saturday I got to see Paula, one of my very favorite people in the whole world, my college roommate who's been my friend for like, 11 years now. (I had a panic attack about that last weekend, thinking about how old I am and how fast that time has gone by.) It was a somewhat subdued visit, because she was really tired and had a bad cough, but we still managed to do some fun things. Her family was camping up near Sedona, so first we went to check out Jerome, this really cool artsy town on a mountain that everyone's been telling me about. There were lots of cute shops, and the chile relleno was seriously the best I've ever had. The batter was perfectly crispy, and there were pomegranate seeds sprinkled on it to counteract the spiciness. Heaven.

After Jerome, I took Paula to one of the energy vortexes in Sedona so she could absorb some good energy. Then we explored downtown a little and ended up at this shop that offered $15 aura photographs and readings. I fully believe in auras. I mean, I don't think you can argue about people giving off a certain kind of energy. Back when my brother lived at home and was constantly fighting with my parents, you'd walk into the house and you could just feel how bad it was. And I've noticed that deeply spiritual, loving people have this amazing energy that draws you to them. So I believe that energy is there, but I did not believe it could be photographed. I'm still not sure what I believe about that, but the picture was really interesting. The lady actually sighed and said, "Oh, yours is so pretty," when she first saw mine. It was all blues and purples, and my heart chakra was bright green. From this picture, she was able to comment on addiction issues, being a teacher, love and generosity, and change and new opportunities in the near future. Oh, and clairvoyance in the near future, too, which is what my psychic great-aunt was just telling me.

I asked her what happens when she gets someone with a really ugly aura, and she said that rarely happens. I wondered how people's faults show up in their auras, and she said it's the absence of certain colors that tells you their faults. For example, mine was all lovey-dovey and dreamy, so she said she could tell I lack practicality, logic, and the ability to handle details. Apparently the ideal aura is perfectly balanced.

After a quick stop at the Frank Lloyd Wright church, I dropped off Paula at her campsite. Her family is taking a two month long trip in their RV across the country. How cool is that? I think they're on their way to Iowa to see her family now.

Sunday was a busy day. I will guiltily admit that I skipped church and went to yoga instead. Then I raced over to Rachel W.'s (the Rachel who just moved here 2 weeks ago), and we went to the Cubs game. The Cubs came so close to winning, and of course, blew it at the last minute. But it was still a lot of fun. There were tons of Cubs fans there, and when people were chanting, "Let's go, D-backs" it sounded like they were saying, "Let's go, D-bags."

Sunday night I had a date with a guy from OkCupid. He was nice and decent looking, and things were going well until we started talking sports. He said he's not a sports fan, which was okay. But then he went on to say he didn't even know all the rules of football, like how scoring works, and asked me to explain fantasy football to him. The look on my face must have been bad, because he was like, "Uh oh, is that a deal breaker?" And I laughed, but inside I was thinking, "Yes, yes it is. Let's get the check." Because what kind of guy doesn't even know that a touchdown is worth 6 points? He texted me this week and wanted to see me again, and I told him I was moving back to Chicago in a few weeks, which actually may be true. I am so sick of dating.

Geocaching

2011-04-29T10:16:00.002-05:00

I learned something new and fun last night!

My friend Jenna introduced me to Geocaching. It's like treasure hunting for grown-ups! Although kids could do it, too. It's fun for the whole family!

You can download Geocaching apps for your iPhone or Droid or whatever. It gives you a map of "treasures" nearby. As you hunt for the geocache, your phone has a map and compass you can follow that tells you if you're getting hot or cold. These things are hidden everywhere! We searched for 2 last night that were less than 5 minutes from Jenna's house. We couldn't find the first one (it was in someone's yard, and even though the guy had given permission, we still felt a little weird poking around someone's yard at night). The second one was hidden in a rain pipe behind Ross Dress for Less. :) It was just a fun little Atari box, and inside were papers where you could sign your name. There are all sorts of treasures you can find. Some of them are simple, like the Atari one, and some of them have really cool stuff in them that you can take and then leave something in its place. I definitely want to try finding some of the ones that are out in the mountains! You can go on www.geocaching.com and get more info. People leave hints and updates about where stuff is and what's in the boxes.

This is such a fun, cheap hobby. I'm excited to go on more treasure hunts with Jenna!

Bikram

2011-04-27T12:19:00.002-05:00

I tried Bikram Yoga last night and loved it! My experience with yoga is limited. I have a DVD I used to do occasionally, and I've been to the Monday night class my church offers a few times. But this was much more intense than either of those things. It's 90 minutes of yoga in a room that's 100-110 degrees.

I was terrified going in. I thought, "There's no way I'm going to make it through this." But I did! You don't even notice the heat after a little while. And there were a few poses I couldn't do, but most of them I could handle, even if I couldn't do them as well as everyone else. And it was such a great workout. I have never sweated so much in my life. It was disgusting, but we felt so good when it was over. And you can burn 1,000 calories in a session!

When we left last night, our instructor told me and Rachel that we should come back for another class within 24 hours because our body was going to release all this lactic acid and we're going to hurt if we don't. So I really want to go back tonight, but I looked at their rates and oh my goodness, it's expensive. We used Haley's free guest passes last night, but it's $20 a class or $160 for a month of unlimited classes. Why do all the things I love cost so much???

"I Get a LIttle Bit Stronger"

2011-04-20T15:30:00.005-05:00

I think the theme of my time here in Phoenix is that I'm stronger than I think I am. I'm strong enough to be away from my family, even though I miss them so much. I'm strong enough to drive across the country by myself and face complications and setbacks by myself. I'm strong enough to walk away from unhealthy relationships. I'm strong enough to deal with a work bully. I'm strong enough to find my way off a mountain I'm stranded on and not be completely terrified. And physically, I'm stronger than ever.

I'm strong enough to go on a 13-mile hike through the White Tank Mountains that includes scrambling and switchbacks. I'm strong enough to hike the Grand Canyon with ease. And I'm strong enough to go rock climbing.

I'd never been before. I always thought I was too fat. But with everything else I've been able to do lately, I thought, why not?

It was both fun and scary, but I trusted Kristin, my friend who was belaying me. I would look at my next move, think "there's no way I can make it," go for it, and be shocked when I made it. I kept thinking, "Wow, I'm stronger than I thought I was." I only fell once, and it was totally okay, not terrifying like I thought it would be. Climbing gave me such a feeling of accomplishment, like when you complete a really difficult hike. This will definitely be something I do again.

Kristin is preparing to belay.

We felt really cool in all our equipment.

Strength has been a theme in my life for a while now. When I was pregnant, people would say, "You're so strong." And I thought, "No way." But I learned if you fake it long enough, you become it. And finally, I actually feel it.

Adventures on the Apache Trail

2011-04-20T10:19:00.012-05:00

Sarah is here for a visit, and we spent Sunday out on the wild Apache Trail.

Our first stop was this scenic view. It's hard to see in the picture, but you can see old cars that have gone over the cliff.

We stopped to see a beautiful vista of Canyon Lake. The trail winds down hill and goes right by the lake. We got out and dipped our toes in the ice cold water.

We stopped at Tortilla Flat, the only "town" along the trail. The population is 6. They were out of their famous root beer, so we settled for sarsparilla instead. The entire place is wallpapered with $1 bills (it's supposed to bring you good luck to put one up there), and there are saddles for bar stools.

After Sarah took my picture on the saddle, this hot guy at the bar said, "That's going to be a great picture. You have a really pretty smile." I totally thought he was messing with me, but he meant it. We had a flirty little conversation with him and his friends, then took off for the next part of our adventure.

Not long after Tortilla Flat, the trail becomes a dirt road that's only one lane in places. It's terrifying because you can't see if anyone's coming around the turns; you just have to go slow and hope for the best. The road climbs to a gorgeous peak where we got out and explored, then plummets down Fish Creek Hill. There was actually water in the creek, and the vegetation around it was lush and green.

Finally we arrived at the end of the trail, Roosevelt Dam.

This is the view of Roosevelt Lake on the other side of the dam. It was so huge and beautiful. Two interesting facts: There is actually a town at the bottom of the lake, the town that sprang up when people were building the dam in the early 1900's. There was a bowling alley and ice cream shop and everything. Also, they had trouble designing the bridge because the original model looked like it was sagging in the middle. This was just an illusion, but still, it freaked people out.

We thought this sign was hilarious. Why not a simple "Do not enter?"

Finally, we ended up in Globe, where Sarah bought some antiques at the famous Pickle Barrel shop. On the way back, we stopped in this weird little town called Miami, where we found a pirate ship made of shopping carts.

Joy

2011-04-19T15:13:00.002-05:00

Last night I had one of those moments where it feels like your heart is going to burst with joy.

Me, Sarah, and Rachel were at Rachel's getting ready to go out for dinner. Cee Lo Green came up on shuffle, and Rachel started dancing around with Carmen. Sarah and I joined in, and our little dance party was so full of joy. Carmen kept squealing with delight, and my face hurt from smiling so hard. As we were singing along at the top of our lungs, it occurred to us that we were singing, "F- you" to a 7-month old. So after every F- you, Sarah would add, "But not you, Carmen!"

The joy in the room was almost tangible. I feel like most people don't experience this emotion enough.

Mico (Rachel's husband) was taking pictures, so I hope he got some good ones. But here's one I took of Carmen a little while after the dance party.

Best Week Ever

2011-04-15T10:23:00.004-05:00

I really feel like it's been the best week ever, and it's not even over yet.

I had dinner with Jenna on Monday night, and then we went back to her place and played Glee karaoke on the Wii. Super fun. Then Rachel came over with Carmen.

Actually, I think that's one of the reasons this has been such a great week- I got to see this cutie twice! A lot of my friends have kids, and I even have an adorable goddaughter, but I've spent more time with Carmen than any other baby, and I'm head over heels for her.

Rachel offered me a free ticket to the Diamondbacks game on Wednesday night. Although the final score was something like 15-5 (the Cardinals won), it was just great to be at a baseball game. And we had the best seats I've ever had to a game!

Last night I went to my first church choir practice. I was SO nervous; I haven't sung in a choir for years. But it's all started coming back to me, and it's the best feeling. I just really love to sing. I met some really nice people, too. The rehearsal was fun and relaxed, but the director knows what he's doing. I can't wait to sing for Easter! The new guy in charge of worship music also asked me if I'd like to join one of the bands that does Sunday services, so I might get to do that, too!

Tonight I'm meeting my friend Kristin for dinner at Paradise Bakery (the one in Scottsdale that has the Panera menu), and then we're going rock climbing. I've never done this before and I am SO excited. I always kind of wanted to try it, but knew I was too big. But now I think I may be strong enough. Also, I realized I've had to do real rock climbing out in the wilderness a few times now. Kristin and I thought it would be fun to actually learn how to do it for real, this time with some safety equipment.

Sarah flies in tomorrow night, and Sunday we're going out on the Apache Trail, so it looks like it may be the best weekend ever, too!!!

My Dream Man

2011-04-13T10:23:00.002-05:00

I saw him this morning.

He was driving this beat-up Jeep, clearly used for off-roading purposes. (Living in Arizona has me longing for a Jeep; there are so many places I read about where I want to hike, and then I get to the part that says you need an ATV to get there.) The Jeep had no doors on it, so I could see the sexy tattoo on the back of his leg. He was only wearing shorts, and his chest was all muscular. (But not too muscular.) His fireman gear was haphazardly thrown in the back of the Jeep, and he had a bumper sticker that said "Suck it."

I was instantly in love.

Superstition Wilderness- 2, Erin- 0

2011-04-12T10:11:00.002-05:00

The hike started out according to plan. Kristin and I were going to do a 5 mile loop hike through Barks Canyon in the Superstition Wilderness. This is not too far from where I had my run-in with Picketpost Mountain, and I’m always a little creeped out by the Superstitions anyway because of all the tales of lost hikers, some who have never been found. But we were prepared. Rachel knew where we were. We had all the necessary supplies, including a trail guide and map. This would be a breeze.

The hike started on the Peralta trail, climbing a mountain. It was gorgeous. We were treated with views like this the whole way up.

This is what we climbed.

The best part of this hike was throwing a snowball at Kristin’s head. We were so excited to see snow left over from Saturday’s storm! I wish I’d gotten a picture.

At the top of the mountain, we were greeted with this view of Weaver’s Needle. Things were still going well. Although I was out of breath and felt disgusting, a nice lady who took our picture commented that I looked “fresh.” Made my day.

Then, things went terribly wrong.

We asked some experienced hikers about the loop trail, and they said they’d done it many times. They informed us it wasn’t a real trail, so make sure to watch for cairns. After consulting the map and our directions, we were off.

The directions said we would eventually reach the canyon’s floor, and it didn’t really matter how we got there. We hiked for a while along the rim, spotting cairns frequently. (And adding to them, because I like to feel helpful.) And then, it seemed like we were at a dead end, where the only way to go was down. So we headed down.

It wasn’t easy. There was so much brush, and I ripped a giant hole in the seat of my pants. This is when we got stuck. We kept trying to find ways down and just hitting dead ends (a.k.a. cliffs). This is also when we started to panic. I’m proud of us, because although we were scared, we didn’t lose our cool. We thought logically about what to do. After about an hour detour, we found our way back up to the top. It sounds like no big deal, but it was. If one of us had fallen, we’d be goners. We were doing rock climbing type stuff without the safety gear. By the time we got back up to the top, we were bruised, bleeding, sunburned, and my pants had three holes in them. Oh, and we saw a snake! Not sure what kind, but I was super excited to finally see some wildlife.

We finally got back to where the trails split and got on the right trail through Barks Canyon. We STILL can’t figure out what was up with the trail we followed. The one we took back to the parking lot did not have cairns on it, so what were those people talking about? All we can think of is that that trail must have followed the rim of the canyon for a long time, and we just weren’t able to figure out where it went next. Hiking on the other side of the canyon, we realized there was NO way we could’ve made it down to the bottom the way we were going; the cliffs were enormous!

This is the view from where we were stuck. You can see the trail running across the bottom of the picture. That's where we should've been.

This is the view from the trail, when we were on the correct side of the canyon. Looking at those cliffs, we never would've made it down. I can't believe we were climbing those- no wonder people on the trail were stopping and pointing at us! You definitely can't tell tell how huge they were from this picture. You can see, however, how the sun is going down; we didn't have much time left by the time we found the trail.

When we saw the parking lot, we double high-fived and hugged and cheered. The whole thing was quite an experience. I feel much better about my Picketpost disaster now. Kristin is a native of Phoenix and hikes all the time, so if she got lost, too, I know I’m not a complete idiot. And overall, I’m glad we went. It was such a beautiful area, formed by ancient volcanoes. And it was a good reminder that we are strong and smart and can get through difficult things.

Kris's Wedding/Pete's Back

2011-04-07T11:56:00.002-05:00

Well. Not sure where to start. I guess I’ll begin with the wedding.

I was less than excited about the music I had to sing. Kris originally chose “Testify to Love” by Avalon, “How Beautiful” by Twila Paris, “From This Moment On” by Shania Twain, and the Malotte “Lord’s Prayer.” (Can you tell which one I chose?) But she got rid of “Testify to Love” at the last minute, and I don’t think the Shania Twain sounded too tacky because I had an awesome accompanist and wasn’t doing karaoke, like the original plan was. Even the recessional, “The Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing, didn’t sound too bad since it was just on piano. And the wedding itself was beautiful, and the reception was fun, and Kris’s dad gave a really beautiful speech. Kris’s dress was amazing; she looked gorgeous. I’m so happy for her.

Okay, next we’ll talk about the boys. I was talking to four of them this weekend.

Mike was a friend of mine in high school. I was always just a little bit in love with him, but we were never more than friends. He found me on Facebook recently and wanted to see me last weekend, but it didn’t work out. We were, however, texting all weekend, and if I had wanted to drive out to Joliet, we could’ve hung out. I just wasn’t up for the drive. I can’t wait to see him in June. If nothing else, it would be great to renew that friendship.

Before the wedding, I had to move a keyboard (a ginormous one with pedals and everything) from my friend’s place to hotel downtown. My friend Kestelle offered to help, and she brought her friend, Dave, who she wants to set me up with. Dave is a cool guy. He’s a high school band teacher in Chicago, and he’s in a New Orleans-style jazz band. He was super nice and apparently really excited to meet me. (Kestelle’s been talking me up and showing him pictures of me.) We had lunch together, and it was nice, although kind of awkward. But, me being me, I’m not interested. I don’t know what’s wrong with me- this nice, good looking, stable guy who wants marriage and family is interested in me, and I want nothing to do with it. But I’m planning on seeing him when I move back because I need to give him a chance.

Ryan was my date to the wedding. He ditched the ceremony to go to a Cubs game and showed up for the reception. Within 10 minutes, he’d made some comments that made me awful about myself. And when I considered saying something about that to him, I knew he’d just tell me I was being dramatic or too sensitive. And those two things caused something to switch in my head. I kept telling Whitney I was angry, but that’s not even it. I’m still looking for the right word for it. Maybe I’m just not seeing him through rose-colored glasses anymore. I see our friendship for what it is, and it’s not something I’d want to turn into a relationship. So we didn’t sit next to each other at the reception, we had one slow dance together, and then he left to meet his friends out at a bar, which was fine because I was having a great time with my friends.

After the reception, I headed up to Clark and Division to meet Pete and his best friend, Mark. Yes, Pete and I are talking again. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I had a lot to drink, and Mark pulled me out on the dance floor. I was having a blast, and then he started kissing me. In the moment, it was fun, but I was also thinking, “This needs to stop” but wasn’t sure how to stop it. Finally I told Mark we needed to find Pete, and he had gone to the bar next door. He said he was trying to help out his buddy. So I’m wondering if that’s it, or if he wasn’t happy seeing us make out? We hung out will the bar closed, then took Mark home. Things are a blur from this point on. I do remember that after we dropped off Mark, I insisted I needed my bag which was in my car (back by the bar) because I wanted to sleep in my Tinkerbell pajamas. So Pete drove me all the way back there, which was actually really sweet. When we got to his place, I planned on sleeping on the couch, and he was like, “What are you talking about? You’re sleeping in my bed,” but then he didn’t even kiss me. Now, I wasn’t planning on letting anything happen anyway, but still. Kinda weird that he didn’t even try. He woke me up at 10 the next morning and offered to let me sleep as long as I wanted, but he had plans and would be gone all day. I had plans, too, so we had a pleasant conversation on the way back to my car, and he dropped me off and that was it. I definitely left there feeling confused.

He called Tuesday night, and after some small talk, he brought up the fact that I made out with Mark. I apologized, even though he insisted there was no reason to. I don't want to go into a whole narrative here, so here are (what I believe to be) the pertinent details about what he said and how I feel:

He stated that the reason he didn't try anything is because (as he has said multiple times) he's given up his rock 'n' roll lifestyle. And he knew that wasn't what I wanted, too.
He started talking about relationships, and how he's ready for a serious one, but then went on to talk about his friend Stephanie, the one who got away. He had pretty strong feelings for her, but knew she'd never be with him because of the way he was living. So she was the inspiration for change, apparently.
When I woke up that morning and saw his beautiful brown eyes, my stomach definitely flip flopped. (Of course, I didn't tell him that.)
I'm totally confused about the dynamic between us at this point. Is he saying all this stuff because he wants a relationship with me? I doubt it, because if he did, I think he'd just say it.
I'm still not entirely convinced he's changed. I'm still reminding myself that actions speak louder than words. But- he wasn't drinking on Saturday (he gave up alcohol for Lent), he didn't even try to kiss me, and, the most basic of all- he didn't ditch me. He totally came through when I needed someone to hang out with and a place to crash. Oh, and of course I didn't pay for any of my drinks.
I can't help but think about the difference between him and Ryan. Ryan makes me feel bad about myself and accuses me of being dramatic when I feel that way. When I say things that Ryan would call "gay," Pete laughs and seems to enjoy it. I always feel better after a conversation with Pete. He's always thought I was pretty, no matter what I weigh, and frequently tells me that. Ryan has never commented on my weight loss. When I wanted to go back to my car for my bag, Pete drove out of his way to do that for me.

I guess I'm not sure how I feel and would love advice from any of my friends that took the time to read this really long post. I think I need to keep remembering that actions speak louder than words, but that's hard when he's so far away and words are all we have. What would really be awesome would be if he came to visit, but I don't see that happening. I just can't figure him out, and I'm wondering if he's waiting for some kind of sign from me or something, but I'm not sure what to say/do. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel; I've always been able to be honest with him, and before I moved, I told him how I felt. I think I just need to be cautious and guard my heart for now.

The Biggest Loser

2011-03-23T10:31:00.002-05:00

So I have about a million things to blog about (okay, that may be a slight exaggeration- my parents' visit is pretty much the only interesting thing that's happened lately), but today I'm thinking about The Biggest Loser. I've been watching the show for a few years. I enjoy it because it motivates me to lose weight, but I've never been as captivated as I have this season. There's something about these people that has me so invested that I actually cheer for them and cry for them. I finally figured out what it is- they love Jesus.

The first people I suspected of this were Marcie and Courtney. I actually know someone who knows them in real life, and he says they are just wonderful people. The next people I suspected were the two sisters, Olivia and Hannah. Once again, it was mostly because of their actions. But once in a while they would let things slip that were clues, like when Hannah found out she'd be working with Jillian and said she might be meeting Jesus a lot sooner than expected. Then, during an elimination, someone called Sarah an amazing woman of faith, and it all fell into place- I knew they were followers of Jesus.

So I googled it, and while I couldn't find a lot of info, I did find the 6 of the contestants are LDS. The article talked about how they'd have Sunday services in one of their bedrooms each week. Awesome. Rob Bell says in Velvet Elvis that when someone on your block becomes a Christian, it should be good news for the whole neighborhood. The Biggest Loser contestants are the perfect example of this. They just seem to radiate love in their words and actions. Without even having to talk about it, their faith was evident. Isn't this the best kind of witness? Their actions were a million times more effective than any words about their faith could have been.

The cool thing about this season has been the lack of drama. The poor producers must have been driving themselves nuts trying to find an angle; there's been a definite lack or gameplay. Even in the eliminations, it seems like someone is always willing to sacrifice himself/herself for someone else's benefit. Usually on reality tv, drama brings high ratings. But in this case, love, hard work, and sacrifice are the story, and it's a compelling story. I would be interested to see how the ratings have been, because, in my opinion, the contestants are much more likable.

I just think this season of the Biggest Loser is the perfect example of what happens when people are filled with Christ's love. It overflows and affects everyone around you, including an entire nation. Now, let's just hope they don't start acting like total a-holes for the rest of the season, proving me wrong.

Today's Adventure: Tucson

2011-02-28T09:21:00.003-06:00

I keep hearing about how great Tucson is, so since I had no plans for today, I decided to head down there.

I love food (which is no surprise if you’ve seen my figure), so I did a little research on Yelp and carefully chose two restaurants to try. My first stop in town was B Line, where I had what they call “pancake crepes” with pecan butter and real maple syrup and a homemade biscuit with honey. This place was delicious; I will be dreaming about this meal for a long time.

My next stop was Sabino Canyon. Everyone said this was the hike to do in Tucson. It was 8 miles long, which seemed liked the perfect length. And in all the reading I did about it online, the biggest complaint was that it was too crowded. Perfect. There would be no repeat of my last hiking misadventure.

(I wasn't riding a bike, so things were definitely looking good.)

The scenery was beautiful:

and the hike was really easy because you’re just walking along the bottom of the canyon. You hike about 4 miles out, then turn around and come back. It’s actually a paved trail, and there’s even a tram. I was a little disappointed that my new hiking shoes were not being put to good use in this situation. I kinda felt like I was cheating; this wasn’t really hiking, this was more like going for a walk. When I reached the end of the trail, I noticed that there was a more rugged trail continuing up the mountain. And I think there is something seriously wrong with me, because when I saw a sign with the words “gila monsters” and “wilderness area,” it was like I was powerless to resist- I HAD to hike that trail. “Just a few minutes can’t hurt,” I told myself, and took off.

I was instantly delighted by the difficulty of this trail. It was the best kind, the kind that doesn’t even look like a trail, just a bunch of rocks. And this was REAL hiking- the grip on the bottom of my shoes became vital, and within minutes I was dirty and my hands were all scraped up. When I would pause to consider my next move, there was absolute silence. I think that’s part of the allure, that “Cowboy Take Me Away” feeling, and the excitement of being in such a wild place.

I was all set to forge ahead when suddenly something occurred to me. This is how trouble starts. Unfamiliar wilderness area + hiking alone = search and rescue and humiliation. At this point, I’d been hiking in the wilderness for about a half hour, and I was dying to see what was on the other side of the hill I was climbing.

But that’s my problem with hiking- I always want to see what’s on the other side of the mountain. I always want to go just a little bit further. And today was just not the day to do that. So I summoned all my willpower and common sense and, with a heavy heart, went back to the boring paved trail.

The next stop was the Sky Island Scenic Byway, a 25-mile road that goes up into the Santa Catalina mountains to Mt. Lemmon. This was so crazy because you start out in the Sonoran Desert (Mexico landscape):

and you end up in Ponderosa pines and snow (Canadian landscape) at 8000 feet:

There were lots of scenic vistas where you could stop and take pictures, and tons of hiking trails that looked really isolated and somewhat dangerous (aka, someplace I want to hike). I really enjoyed this little excursion and want to go back.

My final stop was another downtown restaurant called Delectables, where I had a hummus sandwich. It was pretty good, but I’ve had better. I got a lemon bar, too, but that’s in the fridge, waiting for tomorrow. But it looks amazing.

So, that was today’s adventure. Tucson is pretty cool and I’d definitely like to spend some more time there.

Cursed

2011-02-21T21:28:00.004-06:00

This weekend I came to the realization that there must be a curse on me. Why else would my love life so frequently resemble depressing Taylor Swift songs? (Why can't you see-ee-ee, you belong with me-ee-ee...)

I figured this out after reading the book When Ghosts Speak, which I couldn't put down. Towards the end of the book, she addresses the issue of curses. Apparently, they are quite common. Just about anything can be cursed- a person, an object, even a certain sports organization. This sounds silly and brings to mind crazy old ladies chanting creepy things and brewing potions. But the author's explanation actually made a lot of sense. A curse doesn't have to be anything elaborate. It can be as simple as sending negative energy towards someone. We see this opposite of this take on the format of prayer. So it's just logical that curses are, in fact, real. Also, the evil eye has been mentioned three weeks in a row at church. It was kind of made light of, but then I thought, for a belief to persist for so long, there must be at least a little bit of truth to it.

The author mentioned what curses look like when manifested, and of particular interest to me was when she observed that someone who is frequently unlucky in love, who just can't seem to find the right person and dies alone even though there's nothing really wrong with her, may be cursed. And then, it all became clear to me.

My love life is a train wreck. It has been since I started dating. My friend (and coworker) Brian was talking to me about this last week. He was like, "You are so confident and good at what you do. You seem to have it all together, and you really know what you're talking about. But then I hear about your personal life, and I just don't get how there can be such a disconnect." (The funny thing is that, since Brian is a coworker, he knows very little about my personal life. And he still managed to have that insight.) He's right. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not a complete freak show; how come I haven't had a serious relationship in so long? Why do I consistently make bad choices about the guys I'm involved with and meet so few good guys? I mean, really, a curse is the only thing that makes sense at this point.

Upon this realization, I immediately sprang into action, gathering the ingredients necessary for curse removal. The author provided very clear instructions, and there was no "summoning of spirits or dark magic involved. I won't mess with that stuff. According to the directions, no harm could come from performing this ritual. It couldn't hurt to try to get rid of the negative energy that was apparently surrounding me.

I raced over to Rachel's house, knowing I could count on her to take this stuff seriously. Even though we thought it was funny, I knew she'd actually follow the procedure. And that is how I came to be sitting at a kitchen table with Mico, Jenna, and David, my wrists and forehead smeared with rosemary, garlic, and olive oil, and Rachel stationed behind me, hands on my shoulders, visualizing a white light.

I had hoped for immediate results, but there's been no sign of the curse being gone yet. We'll see how this week goes. But I have high hopes. I'll know I was successful when my life starts to resemble the happy Taylor Swift songs.

Soulmates

2011-02-13T22:54:00.002-06:00

This is the scene from Sex and the City that was in my head last night. I watch this episode every year on my birthday.

I realize that I sounded a little maudlin in my last post. That's really not typical for me. I am happy with my life and am blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who I love and who love me. But once in a while, I think we all feel alone.

After feeling kind of sorry for myself yesterday, I am back to normal today. Shane Hipps spoke at our church today. He is the reason I found Trinity; he's the other pastor at Mars Hill. He spoke about the Kingdom of God, and how it's like an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's an endless supply of everything we need. My favorite part was when he said, "The Kingdom of God is within you. Boundless, indestructible, love, joy, and peace reside in us...now." What a timely reminder that I have access to this endless supply of love, that I don't need to look for it anywhere else because it's already in me.

I got to meet Shane after the service. Amanda introduced me to him, and I thanked him for helping me find Trinity. He didn't say a word, just gave me this huge hug. Some people are just surrounded by this intangible aura of love and peace, and he is one of them. This is something I aspire to, but honestly don't see happening.

So the day after my traumatic event, I'm feeling much better. I didn't sleep well last night (I kept reliving some of my more panicked moments), but today I'm laughing. If it had been a movie, there would have definitely been some dramatic background music that moment when I saw my car all by itself in the parking lot and realized I was ALL ALONE on the mountain. The absurdity of blowing my little whistle made my friends laugh tonight, as well as me actually yelling, "I'm SO over you, Phoenix!" when I was on the mountain. Also kind of funny was when I was on my way down in the dark, and it occurred to me that scary animals might be coming out soon. I read somewhere that you should make lots of noise, so I started singing the first thing that popped into my head, which happened to be "If I Die Young." When I called 911, I was battling tears and hysteria. When the lady asked who my car was registered to, I told her me and my dad, then begged her not to tell my dad about this. And since Search and Rescue had to come out anyway, it's kinda anticlimactic that I didn't actually stay lost long enough for them to have to find me. The Sheriff was pretty cute. But I rescued myself, which is cool. Although, I guess I'm the one who got lost, which kind of negates the coolness of that. Regardless, while I am still embarrassed, I no longer feel like crying. I may even go hiking again someday.

Picketpost Mountain

2011-02-12T22:25:00.013-06:00

I don't even know what to say about today. Probably the most scared and most embarrassed I've ever been.

I wanted to go back to Picketpost Mountain and get to the top this time. Faye and I made it about halfway up, but had to turn around because it was getting late. I got my new hiking shoes this week and was dying to try them out. I couldn't find anyone to go with me, but last time we were there I saw lots of people hiking alone. And the parking lot was full, so I knew I wouldn't be up there alone.

Let me list the other ways in which I was responsible:

1. I had water. (Although now I know a regular bottle is not enough.)

2. I had a first aid kit.

3. I had a whistle.

4. I told Rachel where I was going and when I should be back, and to call 911 if she didn't hear from me.

5. I had energy bars.

6. I had been hiking here before, so it was not completely unfamiliar.

7. I'd heard it was about a 3-4 hour hike roundtrip. I started hiking at 12:45, giving myself a little over 5 hours, just in case.

Things started out great.

(I realize this doesn't seem too impressive, but the trail starts over a mile away from the mountain.)

So the first half of the hike was fun and easy. That was the part I did with Faye. Then, things got tricky. There were parts of the trail that went pretty much straight up. There's no way I could've done with with my old shoes. So for a while, I was having a great time. It was kind of like a playground for adults.

(This is the actual trail.)

I went really slowly on the way up, and actually had to stop and rest a few times. I was feeling really sick to my stomach; I guess donuts are not the best breakfast to prepare you for an intense hike. And then, I just got totally confused. I could not figure out how to get the rest of the way to the top. I was soooo close.

(Once again, it's hard to tell from a picture, but I really am close. You can see, however, that it's pretty much straight up.)

I kept trying different paths, and none of them worked. None of them were even possible. The regular trail required some pretty intense climbing- finding footholds, pulling yourself up, etc. So that gives you an idea of how bad it must have been if I'm saying it wasn't possible. I finally looked at my clock, realized it was around 4, and thought, oh no, I need to get going. The problem was, I couldn't find the trail.

I'm not a complete idiot. I know how to follow the little piles of rocks to make sure you're still on the trail. But seriously, there was no trail. Just rocks and stupid cactuses. Or cacti. Whatever. All desert plants are such a-holes. They're all out to hurt you. Anyway, the trouble with the rock piles is that they don't show you which way to go; it's like they're just saying, "Hey, you're on the right track!"

I texted Nina during one of the rare moments I had recpetion, and she said I should just go down, and eventually I'll find the trail. I started to take her advice, but she didn't realize how complex this mountain was. I would go down one way (which clearly wasn't the trail because of how dangerous it was), then stop at the edge of a cliff and be stuck. So then I'd have to literally climb back up to where I started and try another path down.

It was at this point that I started to panic. I think this is where I got most of my scrapes and cuts. I was way off the trail. It was dangerous. If I lost my footing, I'd die. It would be dark soon. And I caught a glimpse of the parking lot way in the distance, and it looked like my car was the only one there. I was all alone on this mountain.

(This is a view from close to the top. You can see the street way off in the distance; that's where my car is.)

I didn't know what to do. I knew that even if I found the trail, it would take me almost two hours to get down it, and it was already after 5:00. The sun sets a little before 6:00. So I called 911. I didn't know if that was the right thing, but the operator assured me it was. Especially since my phone was dying and got poor reception; that might have been my only chance to call for help. I texted Rachel and told her what was going on, and when I stopped responding, she called 911, too. The operator took all my info and told me to stay put. I was almost in tears at this point. But that seemed like a bad idea. I knew I could get back to the trail eventually; the problem was not having enough daylight. It made sense to me to get as close to the trail as possible so that if someone did have to find me, it would be easier for them. I thought of the worst case scenario (I would be cold and thirsty and scared in the dark for a few hours) and knew that I needed to just calm down and keep trying to find the trail. And I did.

(This is the view from where I called 911.)

I finally found a trail (that was real, not one of the many fake ones) right as the sun was about to set at 6:00. I was practically running down those switchbacks, pleading with God to stop the sun from setting like he did in Joshua. At 6:50, I arrived back at my car. At this point, the stars were out and you could barely see anything. 5 minutes more, and I would've been totally screwed. God is so good.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot, the sheriff pulled up. (I couldn't call back to cancel Search and Rescue right away because I had no signal.) He actually had to call and cancel the search party that was on their way. As we were talking, another police officer pulled up. I was so humiliated. I braced myself for a lecture on how irresponsible it was to hike alone, how I should've paid attention to the time, etc. But I didn't get any of that. These men were so nice. They pointed out that embarrassment was a lot better than hypothermia. They were just happy I'd made it down. And really, they did not seem to think that I was a complete crackhead. They asked some questions about the trail, and they seemed to think it was perfectly okay for me to have been there alone since other people were there and I had provisions. But as nice as they were, I was still humiliated.

And on top of being scared and embarrassed today, I also felt really alone. It made me really sad that there was no one at home waiting for me. I definitely felt like Carrie in that episode of Sex and the City where she turns 35 and feels so alone and sad that she has no "soulmate." If I hadn't texted some people while I was up on that mountain, no one would've known where I was except for Rachel, who I intentionally checked in with early in the day.

But anyway, I made it home alive. I have cuts and scrapes everywhere. My jeans were so torn, they had to be thrown away. (The butt had a huge hole from me sliding down rocks. Somehow, the back pockets were filled with dirt and rocks.) My legs are covered in ginormous bruises, some of which are swollen. I am sunburned and sore. And I am just so thankful to be sitting here on my comfy red couch in my Tinkerbell pajamas. Home never felt so good.

P.S. If you are reading this and you know my parents, PLEASE do not tell them. They don't need to worry.

Random Sunday Night Thoughts

2011-01-30T21:19:00.003-06:00

My favorite meal lately is chips and salsa from Chipotle and a bowl of raspberries. If I have enough points left, I love pretzel M&M's for dessert.

I think this meal is even better when eaten on my couch, in my Tinkerbell pajamas, watching football.

I am really apathetic about the Superbowl this year. Obviously I'm not going to cheer for the Packers, but I associate the Steelers with Ryan.

When Ryan and I got in a fight about a year ago, he said he was thinking about showing up on my doorstep with a cherry limeade to make things better. I think this problem between us is bad enough now that that's what he'd need to do to fix it.

When I get married, I think I'm going to serenade my husband with "Can't Help Lovin Dat Man" at our reception.

Yesterday I bought Sleeping Beauty at Goodwill for a dollar. The tape didn't work. When I went to exchange it, they had no more copies of Sleeping Beauty left, which makes me sad because now I really want to watch that movie. Dumbo was on On Demand, but I think that's just about the most depressing movie ever. "Baby Mine" makes me cry. I sang it to Jacob when he was born.

When I was in Kapelle in college, we had several fun traditions we'd do on tour, including the breast parade and alto underwear night. I wonder if these traditions have been kept alive...

I really love living somewhere where I can go on such amazing day hikes. I ordered a pair of hiking shoes tonight. It's going to be hard to go back to Illinois.

I am now in Jeremiah, and it is not fun to read. Is that terrible of me to say? It is the Word of God, after all. There was something that really struck me last night, though. God was talking about how they were going to be conquered by the Babylonians, and the punishment was that they could never go home again. Then it basically went on to say that death would be better than that. And it just made me so sad, because I think that never being able to go home is just about the most painful thing I could imagine.

This made me think of the Lost Boys from Sudan. We watched the documentary God Grew Tired of Us in small group. It made us laugh and cry, and I think everyone in the world needs to see it. Now that things are changing in Sudan, I really really hope these boys/men can go home again.

Today in church our pastor thanked God that we live in Arizona at this time. With everything being so crazy, we have the opportunity to show love and peace to the world. I never thought of it that way before. I am now trying to concentrate on being "light" to the world, and although I'm sure I'll constantly fall short, I will try.

My birthday is in a month. I've decided that ice cream cake is a must.

I've hit a weight loss milestone. I'm in a whole new group of 10's. I'm 9 pounds away from my original goal (although I know I'll need to lose more). I'm feeling really good.

Faye's Visit

2011-01-29T22:15:00.005-06:00

Faye is here for the weekend! Her boyfriend is at a training/conference thing in Tempe, so she decided to come out and hang out with me. Last night we had a delicious dinner at Pita Jungle, and today we had an adventure in the desert.

We drove out of Phoenix through Mesa and the Superstition Mountains all the way out to Globe, which is a cute little artsy town. After some shopping and an amazing lunch at Los Robertos, we stopped to hike at Picket Post. I'm not sure what mountains were were in, but they were gorgeous. I do know that we were in the Tonto National Forest, which I think is funny. Because if you look at the pictures, you will see no trees. I'm wondering if maybe Arizonans don't actually know what a forest is?

We stopped along the road to take pictures.

When we arrived at the trailhead, this mountain looked soooo far away. An hour later, we were more than halfway up it. I kept taking pictures as we got closer.

View from the top... (Well, not actually the top. We only had time to go halfway up, which I was okay with, because I knew it was going to be rough going down, and it was. I slipped twice. I seriously need some hiking boots.)

When I see big cactuses (or cacti) like this, it always makes me laugh because my birthmom hates them. She gets all irritated because she feels like they're all flipping her off. This picture is for her.

On the way down, there was a little mishap. Faye got a little cactus stuck on her jeans. She tried to grab one of its needles and pull it out, and it got stuck in her hand.

We tried not to panic, but we didn't know what to do. That cactus was seriously malicious. We were losing daylight, so we finally concluded that we'd just have to finish hiking down the mountain with it sticking out of her hand; that's how well this thing was lodged in there.

Just then, a really cute guy came walking up behind us. He was obviously an experienced hiker and had a backpack full of supplies, including tweezers. He saved Faye! We hiked the rest of the way down the mountain with him, and he was really nice. He was worried about his mototrcycle running out of gas, so as we were leaving, I gave him my name and number and email and told him to call me if he needed help and if he wanted to, he could look me up on Facebook and maybe we could go hiking sometime.

Driving home into the desert sunset was beautiful (I feel like I need more synonyms for that word because so much of what I see is beautiful, but that's a lame word to describe it), and we ended the day with cherry limeades at Sonic. The perfect end to a perfect day.

Art-y picture

2011-01-26T22:08:00.001-06:00

Stephanie took this picture of me at Joshua Tree, and I felt it was very art-y. Never been in an art-y picture before. Kind of like it.

180

2011-01-26T21:36:00.004-06:00

I'm never bored at work.

This morning, my day started off with teeny tiny Juanito (who never removes his Spongebob backpack and hoop earrings) getting out of his seat, talking, etc. When I asked him to sit down, his response was, "God, you're pissing me off!" I calmly told him to go to another teacher's room. "Oh, and take your work with you," I added.

"F-- no!" was his response. I followed him out in the hall and told him to go to the office.

"Fine... silly ass bitch."

At this, I cracked up. "Really?" I said. "Really???"

"You heard me." His arms were spread wide like he was about to fight me. I laughed my butt off for a while after that one. Later I found out that he did the same thing to the science teacher, who had the same reaction I did. Juan was yelling, "F-- you, you little bitch," and Brian laughed and said, "Really? Boy, I have boots taller than you."

During fourth period, Esmeralda handed me this sheet of paper.

This girl was openly hostile to me at the beginning of the year. I finally pulled her aside and said, "Why don't you like me?"

"You smile too much," she smirked.

Apparently, now that's a good thing.