A year and a half ago, I called Rachel on a Thursday night. "I'm coming to see you on Saturday," I said. I was in my usual holiday funk, but last year, there was something else going on, too.
A few nights later, Rachel and I sat outside on her patio in Phoenix, smoking cigarettes and talking about God. I confided in her that my faith felt completely empty. I'd stopped going to church, reading my Bible, and praying, and felt no different than I had before. I went on to explain that I actually felt guilty bothering God with my petty little problems when people around the world are starving and being raped, murdered, oppressed, and exploited.
Rachel seemed unsurprised by my confession. "I saw this coming," she said. "You finally let your lack of self-worth mess up your relationship with God." It was an uncomfortable truth, but one I couldn't argue with. So, now what?
I threw myself into making it better. Started reading my Bible again, participating in our Small Group discussions, and, when I moved to Phoenix, attending church. All of these things seemed to bring me closer to God and Jesus. When I was younger, I struggled with what it menat to love God. Now, I finally feel like I'm starting to get it. The more I learn about the things Jesus said and did, and what's important to God, and his plan for the world, the more I fall in love. I don't know how to put it into words, but I'll read something Jesus said and think, "What a bad ass!" or see how God's actions reveal his character and just be in total awe of this God I get to worship. It's like, an honor to worship him. I'm genuinely in love with God, and I totally want to hang out with Jesus.
I thought I was fixed. But even though things seemed to improve on the surface, something still wasn't right. Yesterday, it finally hit me. This whole relationship is completely one-sided. (At least, in my mind it is.) Jesus is like, the popular guy that I'm infatuated with, but I can't imagine he'd give me the time of day. I'm not on a crusade to bring clean drinking water to remote parts of Africa, or fighting cancer. I feel like those people are in the "in" crowd; those are the people who matter to Jesus. Not me and and my silly "I want a boyfriend" or "Where should I live?" problems. I feel whiny and obnoxious even thinking about it. And so guilty for feeling this way, because this is such a stupid problem to have. But I can't help but thinking- how much richer would my life be if I believed that God loves me, and my prayers matter? What possibilities would that open up? My life is pretty fabulous right now- how much fuller would it be if I accepted these things that I know logically are true? What am I missing out on? And how do I fix this?
A few nights later, Rachel and I sat outside on her patio in Phoenix, smoking cigarettes and talking about God. I confided in her that my faith felt completely empty. I'd stopped going to church, reading my Bible, and praying, and felt no different than I had before. I went on to explain that I actually felt guilty bothering God with my petty little problems when people around the world are starving and being raped, murdered, oppressed, and exploited.
Rachel seemed unsurprised by my confession. "I saw this coming," she said. "You finally let your lack of self-worth mess up your relationship with God." It was an uncomfortable truth, but one I couldn't argue with. So, now what?
I threw myself into making it better. Started reading my Bible again, participating in our Small Group discussions, and, when I moved to Phoenix, attending church. All of these things seemed to bring me closer to God and Jesus. When I was younger, I struggled with what it menat to love God. Now, I finally feel like I'm starting to get it. The more I learn about the things Jesus said and did, and what's important to God, and his plan for the world, the more I fall in love. I don't know how to put it into words, but I'll read something Jesus said and think, "What a bad ass!" or see how God's actions reveal his character and just be in total awe of this God I get to worship. It's like, an honor to worship him. I'm genuinely in love with God, and I totally want to hang out with Jesus.
I thought I was fixed. But even though things seemed to improve on the surface, something still wasn't right. Yesterday, it finally hit me. This whole relationship is completely one-sided. (At least, in my mind it is.) Jesus is like, the popular guy that I'm infatuated with, but I can't imagine he'd give me the time of day. I'm not on a crusade to bring clean drinking water to remote parts of Africa, or fighting cancer. I feel like those people are in the "in" crowd; those are the people who matter to Jesus. Not me and and my silly "I want a boyfriend" or "Where should I live?" problems. I feel whiny and obnoxious even thinking about it. And so guilty for feeling this way, because this is such a stupid problem to have. But I can't help but thinking- how much richer would my life be if I believed that God loves me, and my prayers matter? What possibilities would that open up? My life is pretty fabulous right now- how much fuller would it be if I accepted these things that I know logically are true? What am I missing out on? And how do I fix this?
Comments
I wonder what practical advice I could possibly give...maybe you just need to think about things you like about yourself, things that are uniquely you (even if they are quirks). And then realize that you find your friends, with all of their hangups and quirks, still to be amazing people, sometimes even because of those hangups and quirks -- and that they feel the same way about you. You have never stipulated that I be well behaved or do everything correctly in order to have your acceptance and love...I think that's how it works with Jesus, too. There was never anything exclusive, he hung out with people who'd listen and engage at a real, human level, basically. And that's something we all can do, which I think is pretty damn cool.
I also think you're pretty damn cool.