For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to move.
In middle school, I wanted to reinvent myself. I fantasized about moving to a small town where I would be one of the popular girls. (It's funny because that would never have worked. I was inherently nerdy. Actually, I still am, but now I own a flat iron, contacts, makeup, and Christian Louboutins, which somewhat obfuscates the nerdiness.)
In high school, I wanted a new group of friends. Not at first, but after junior year I started realizing that I didn't like the direction my life was going. But I was terrified that if I gave up the lifestyle, I'd lose my best friends. I had planned on going to college somewhere far away, but then I got pregnant and messed that up.
In my early 20's, and even now to some extent, it was about adventure. When Beauty and the Beast came out, I still remember leaving the theater and my mom saying that I was just like Belle with the whole love of reading and wanting adventure. Those things have never gone away.
And finally, when I made the decision to move to Phoenix, a lot of the decision was about not having regrets. I thought, do I really want to live in Chicago and teach in this district for the rest of my life? If I hadn't made a change, that might have happened because I was getting comfortable. But I wasn't happy.
Now, it's looking like Phoenix may not work out. I can barely pay my bills. But I have no regrets. Things really started coming together for me socially this week. I love that I moved across the country and built a life for myself. So if I do move home, I'm going to try not to feel like a loser. I did something I've always wanted to do, and I think I did it pretty well. If I move home, it won't be because I was homesick and hated my life here. Unfortunately, it will be about money.
I know it sounds shallow. But that $9,000 paycut is killing me. Cost of living is NOT cheaper here. I even sent my budget to my dad, and he agrees that there's not much I can cut out of it; I'm pretty much screwed. It's frustrating because I don't want money to buy stuff. I'm not that materialistic. But it's hard to meet people when you can't afford to go out for drinks or dinner. And I thought that one of the best things about living in Phoenix would be its proximity to all these places I've never been- San Diego, Vegas, Disneyland- but I can't afford to go anywhere. My car is going to need repairs, I'm in a lot of credit card debt (thanks to the move- I was doing really well until this summer)- it just makes sense to take a job that pays better back home. And there isn't much hope of making more money here; I just found out the whole state is on a pay freeze. Since I already have two master's degrees, the only way for me to move up on the pay scale is by starting a PhD, which I'm just not ready for.
I know it's early to be thinking like this. I've only been here three months. But I'm one of those people who has to have long-term plans, even though they do often change. My parents keep saying, "Don't make any decisions now. You never know what may happen." This sounds like rational advice until you realize that it's code for, "Hopefully you'll meet a nice Lutheran boy with lots of money and he can take care of you so you won't have to worry about where you work." I can't plan my life around that. Yes, I'd like to get married someday, but I don't want my story to be about me sitting around waiting for someone to save me. I want to travel. I want to have amazing experiences. And unfortunately, those things require money. So I'm going to do what I need to do.
In middle school, I wanted to reinvent myself. I fantasized about moving to a small town where I would be one of the popular girls. (It's funny because that would never have worked. I was inherently nerdy. Actually, I still am, but now I own a flat iron, contacts, makeup, and Christian Louboutins, which somewhat obfuscates the nerdiness.)
In high school, I wanted a new group of friends. Not at first, but after junior year I started realizing that I didn't like the direction my life was going. But I was terrified that if I gave up the lifestyle, I'd lose my best friends. I had planned on going to college somewhere far away, but then I got pregnant and messed that up.
In my early 20's, and even now to some extent, it was about adventure. When Beauty and the Beast came out, I still remember leaving the theater and my mom saying that I was just like Belle with the whole love of reading and wanting adventure. Those things have never gone away.
And finally, when I made the decision to move to Phoenix, a lot of the decision was about not having regrets. I thought, do I really want to live in Chicago and teach in this district for the rest of my life? If I hadn't made a change, that might have happened because I was getting comfortable. But I wasn't happy.
Now, it's looking like Phoenix may not work out. I can barely pay my bills. But I have no regrets. Things really started coming together for me socially this week. I love that I moved across the country and built a life for myself. So if I do move home, I'm going to try not to feel like a loser. I did something I've always wanted to do, and I think I did it pretty well. If I move home, it won't be because I was homesick and hated my life here. Unfortunately, it will be about money.
I know it sounds shallow. But that $9,000 paycut is killing me. Cost of living is NOT cheaper here. I even sent my budget to my dad, and he agrees that there's not much I can cut out of it; I'm pretty much screwed. It's frustrating because I don't want money to buy stuff. I'm not that materialistic. But it's hard to meet people when you can't afford to go out for drinks or dinner. And I thought that one of the best things about living in Phoenix would be its proximity to all these places I've never been- San Diego, Vegas, Disneyland- but I can't afford to go anywhere. My car is going to need repairs, I'm in a lot of credit card debt (thanks to the move- I was doing really well until this summer)- it just makes sense to take a job that pays better back home. And there isn't much hope of making more money here; I just found out the whole state is on a pay freeze. Since I already have two master's degrees, the only way for me to move up on the pay scale is by starting a PhD, which I'm just not ready for.
I know it's early to be thinking like this. I've only been here three months. But I'm one of those people who has to have long-term plans, even though they do often change. My parents keep saying, "Don't make any decisions now. You never know what may happen." This sounds like rational advice until you realize that it's code for, "Hopefully you'll meet a nice Lutheran boy with lots of money and he can take care of you so you won't have to worry about where you work." I can't plan my life around that. Yes, I'd like to get married someday, but I don't want my story to be about me sitting around waiting for someone to save me. I want to travel. I want to have amazing experiences. And unfortunately, those things require money. So I'm going to do what I need to do.
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