For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid. I've been convinced I will fail.
In elementary school, my dad would sit with me at the kitchen table and help me with my math homework. By 4th grade, I'd be in tears before we even started. I felt there was no point in him helping me because I'd never understand it.
Another perfect example of this occurred when I was in chamber choir in college. We were singing a beautiful piece that required the first sopranos to hit a high C. The first soprano section consisted of me and one other girl. When I saw it, I said, "Sorry, P.B., I can't do that." (P.B. is what we called our director.) "I'll just drop out and let Jen sing it." He didn't seem to mind or think it was a big deal. And it never even crossed my mind that I could sing that note. Jen is a very talented singer, so I was happy to leave that feat up to her.
At first, I just concentrated on making sure it wasn't too obvious when I dropped out and came back in. P.B. didn't say anything, but looking back, I can't imagine it was any good. After a few rehearsals of this, I started thinking about that C. I'd hear Jen's voice soar up there effortlessly, and I thought, "Maybe I could do that." Soon, I was itching to join her up there. I was scared to death to just go for it, but it was getting harder and harder to hold back. One day, it just came out. And it was fine. P.B. looked over and gave me one of his coveted winks. Later, he told me he knew I'd do it eventually, I just needed to have a little more confidence. And when we sang it in performance, the most common compliment we got was that Jen and I sounded like one voice- that C was no problem for me.
I hadn't noticed this problem since I moved back to Chicago. I think I took more risks in Phoenix due to Kristin's positive influence. But here, it's more and more difficult. First, there was the Outdoor Ed incident, where it didn't even occur to me to do the rope course and zip line. Then, I went rock climbing this weekend and approached the first wall with an attitude of, "This is so not happening. There's no way I can do this." And then tonight, I had choir practice at my friend's church (something I used to feel confident about), and I was so nervous because it's been so long since I've challenged myself musically in terms of sight reading, range, etc. I was convinced I was going to drag down the soprano section. What is my problem??
The funny thing is, I'm the hugest hippocrite. I am my students' biggest cheerleader. I constantly tell them they are rock stars, and I am their biggest fan. I am so worried about their self-perception and confidence, and want to teach them to be brave readers and thinkers. If one of them told me they couldn't do something, I would not let them give up. I scaffold and encourage and coach until they get there, and then say, "I knew you could do it!"
It's painful to see this behavior in other people, so I can just imagine how frustrating I am to my friends. I annoy myself! When Nancy and I were in a slot canyon in Utah, she kinda freaked out about some scrambling that involved climbing up on some big rocks. I approached the rocks with confidence, knowing I'd done bigger and better climbing. She was so convinced it wasn't going to happen that, even though her legs are longer and she is in better shape than me, she couldn't do it. And I was so frustrated, because it was clear to me exactly why she couldn't do it- it was all in her head. I could see how that was affecting her efforts.
Although Nancy took a long way around that obstacle, she made it through a bigger obstacle- the canyon. And now, she feels much more confident, looking back on what she did. I think the only way to break this annoying and self-destructive habit and build my confidence is to do what Nancy did- conquer something that scares you. I think I need to put myself out of my comfort zone regularly. The more scary things I accomplish, the more confident I will be. I think my new mantra needs to be "Fearless."
In elementary school, my dad would sit with me at the kitchen table and help me with my math homework. By 4th grade, I'd be in tears before we even started. I felt there was no point in him helping me because I'd never understand it.
Another perfect example of this occurred when I was in chamber choir in college. We were singing a beautiful piece that required the first sopranos to hit a high C. The first soprano section consisted of me and one other girl. When I saw it, I said, "Sorry, P.B., I can't do that." (P.B. is what we called our director.) "I'll just drop out and let Jen sing it." He didn't seem to mind or think it was a big deal. And it never even crossed my mind that I could sing that note. Jen is a very talented singer, so I was happy to leave that feat up to her.
At first, I just concentrated on making sure it wasn't too obvious when I dropped out and came back in. P.B. didn't say anything, but looking back, I can't imagine it was any good. After a few rehearsals of this, I started thinking about that C. I'd hear Jen's voice soar up there effortlessly, and I thought, "Maybe I could do that." Soon, I was itching to join her up there. I was scared to death to just go for it, but it was getting harder and harder to hold back. One day, it just came out. And it was fine. P.B. looked over and gave me one of his coveted winks. Later, he told me he knew I'd do it eventually, I just needed to have a little more confidence. And when we sang it in performance, the most common compliment we got was that Jen and I sounded like one voice- that C was no problem for me.
I hadn't noticed this problem since I moved back to Chicago. I think I took more risks in Phoenix due to Kristin's positive influence. But here, it's more and more difficult. First, there was the Outdoor Ed incident, where it didn't even occur to me to do the rope course and zip line. Then, I went rock climbing this weekend and approached the first wall with an attitude of, "This is so not happening. There's no way I can do this." And then tonight, I had choir practice at my friend's church (something I used to feel confident about), and I was so nervous because it's been so long since I've challenged myself musically in terms of sight reading, range, etc. I was convinced I was going to drag down the soprano section. What is my problem??
The funny thing is, I'm the hugest hippocrite. I am my students' biggest cheerleader. I constantly tell them they are rock stars, and I am their biggest fan. I am so worried about their self-perception and confidence, and want to teach them to be brave readers and thinkers. If one of them told me they couldn't do something, I would not let them give up. I scaffold and encourage and coach until they get there, and then say, "I knew you could do it!"
It's painful to see this behavior in other people, so I can just imagine how frustrating I am to my friends. I annoy myself! When Nancy and I were in a slot canyon in Utah, she kinda freaked out about some scrambling that involved climbing up on some big rocks. I approached the rocks with confidence, knowing I'd done bigger and better climbing. She was so convinced it wasn't going to happen that, even though her legs are longer and she is in better shape than me, she couldn't do it. And I was so frustrated, because it was clear to me exactly why she couldn't do it- it was all in her head. I could see how that was affecting her efforts.
Although Nancy took a long way around that obstacle, she made it through a bigger obstacle- the canyon. And now, she feels much more confident, looking back on what she did. I think the only way to break this annoying and self-destructive habit and build my confidence is to do what Nancy did- conquer something that scares you. I think I need to put myself out of my comfort zone regularly. The more scary things I accomplish, the more confident I will be. I think my new mantra needs to be "Fearless."
Comments
I think you don't give yourself enough credit---- within the last year and a half, you have grown more fearless, and I admire you! You're an inspiration!
You need to realize your worth and how much you have grown within the last year, and take a huge leap of faith in whatever you pursue. The worst that can happen?! At least you can say you done it! Most people can't do that.
Xoxo!
Fancy :)