It started with me asking my dad to help me paint my new apartment. It ended with him basically telling me I'm going to die alone.
This all came from a place of wanting me to be happy. It wasn't meant to be critical or mean. He just worries about me because he's my dad. And his life experience is so different from mine. He married his high school sweetheart. Being single was something he never had to worry about.
The trouble began when I mentioned the two month road trip I'll be on this summer. Honestly, I don't remember everything that was said. Actually, there was a lot that wasn't said, but was just implied. But he's very critical of my love for hiking/canyoneering. And it goes beyond concern for my safety. Basically, he thinks that if I'm spending all my free time in canyons, I'm never going to find a husband. He said that I spend too much time hanging out with the same groups of people and unsuitable guys, so how am I ever going to meet someone? And that someday, I will slow down. Canyoneering won't be an option. And then I'll be all alone. And sooner than that, all of my single girlfriends will no longer be single, and I won't have anyone to go on adventures with and I'll be alone. And that, if I want to be in a successful relationship, I'm going to have to give up all this "gallivanting" (he loves that word and applies it to my actions frequently). He also pointed out how old I am, and that this lifestyle may have been okay in my early 20's, but I'm running out of time to find a husband and have kids. He even went so far as to say that he thinks I don't date much because I'm "gun-shy" from seeing my friends' unhealthy/failed relationships.
Yes. He actually said all that. And the worst part was that he wasn't trying to be mean. He just wants me to be happy and thinks that these things haven't occurred to me.
I told him to stop worrying, because I'm not worried about finding a husband. (Although now I kind of am, because honestly, my dad is usually right about stuff.) I told him my plan is that if I'm still single when I'm 40, I'll have a kid on my own. And that if I work hard to stay in shape, I have many, many years of hiking ahead of me. And ideally, I'd like to meet someone who loves the same things I love. (Which, he quickly pointed out, is unlikely to happen in Chicago.) I assured him that I dated a lot in Phoenix (which maybe it wasn't exactly "a lot", but it was definitely happening) and even confessed that I am on eHarmony. I told him I am open to finding someone.
I hated this conversation because everything he said was either something that I worry about or something that I know is true. I know that I need to meet people outside of my current circle of friends, and I have a plan for that. I'm going to join some kind of team through Chicago Sport and Social when I move back to the city. And it's true that most of my girlfriends are married or in serious relationships. I know that soon, all of my friends my age will most likely be married with kids. And even though I'm happy for them, it does kind of suck because they don't have the freedom I have to just pick up and go do fun things. I also realized that I am going to be 30, and that, although it seems like a long time, it really isn't that much time to get married and start a family if I want more than one kid (which I do).
But what am I supposed to do about it? I am who I am. I love my life, and I'm not going to give up the things I'm most passionate about. There's an episode of Sex and the City that really resonated with me. It's the one where Carrie finds out that Big (her ex) is engaged to Natasha. She talks about that movie The Way We Were and how Natasha is a simple girl, whereas she is the girl with the curly hair. I am also the girl with the curly hair. I wish I could be the simple girl, the girl who is easy to be with. I remember my brother saying that once, that guys like to be with girls who are just easy. But I am complicated. The thought of being with one person for the rest of my life freaks me out. I get bored easily. I need freedom and space and excitement. I have a complicated past that not many people understand, but it's shaped me. I would love to find someone to share my life with, but I don't think there are many people out there who fit what I need. I need someone who believes in God, but is liberal (both theologically and politcally). Someone who isn't uncomfortable when I make jokes about my sordid past (meaning that they most likely have a sordid past as well), but is no longer interested in that lifestyle. Someone who is always up for adventure, but is also responsible and has a good job. And someone who will give me space; I really value my time by myself.
That list is on top of the standard must-haves: funny, smart, good-looking, etc. So I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for Mr. Right. And I'm not going to settle, either. I'm not going to compromise something that's important to me and get married just to be married. Obviously, I'd like to meet someone to share my life with, but I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.
I've worked hard for a while to be happpy with my singleness, and I finally am. This conversation almost caused a signifcant setback. But, when you think about it, it's all out of my control, anyway. There are some things I can do to help with the situation- stay at a healthy weight (I'll get back on track with that after the holidays :)), get my finances in order, be emotionally healthy, etc. I can do my best to be open-minded about the guys I meet, and work on expanding my social network. But if those things are happening, and I still don't meet the right person, I'm okay with that. That's a possibility I've accepted. The difficult part is getting other people in my life to accept that. Society makes being single in your 30's cause for pity. I don't care so much about other people, but I'd at least like for my family to not worry about me and feel sorry for me. I love my life. And, if I'm still single ten years from now and decide I want a kid, I can make that happen. There is no reason to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm confident that things will turn out the way they're supposed to.
This all came from a place of wanting me to be happy. It wasn't meant to be critical or mean. He just worries about me because he's my dad. And his life experience is so different from mine. He married his high school sweetheart. Being single was something he never had to worry about.
The trouble began when I mentioned the two month road trip I'll be on this summer. Honestly, I don't remember everything that was said. Actually, there was a lot that wasn't said, but was just implied. But he's very critical of my love for hiking/canyoneering. And it goes beyond concern for my safety. Basically, he thinks that if I'm spending all my free time in canyons, I'm never going to find a husband. He said that I spend too much time hanging out with the same groups of people and unsuitable guys, so how am I ever going to meet someone? And that someday, I will slow down. Canyoneering won't be an option. And then I'll be all alone. And sooner than that, all of my single girlfriends will no longer be single, and I won't have anyone to go on adventures with and I'll be alone. And that, if I want to be in a successful relationship, I'm going to have to give up all this "gallivanting" (he loves that word and applies it to my actions frequently). He also pointed out how old I am, and that this lifestyle may have been okay in my early 20's, but I'm running out of time to find a husband and have kids. He even went so far as to say that he thinks I don't date much because I'm "gun-shy" from seeing my friends' unhealthy/failed relationships.
Yes. He actually said all that. And the worst part was that he wasn't trying to be mean. He just wants me to be happy and thinks that these things haven't occurred to me.
I told him to stop worrying, because I'm not worried about finding a husband. (Although now I kind of am, because honestly, my dad is usually right about stuff.) I told him my plan is that if I'm still single when I'm 40, I'll have a kid on my own. And that if I work hard to stay in shape, I have many, many years of hiking ahead of me. And ideally, I'd like to meet someone who loves the same things I love. (Which, he quickly pointed out, is unlikely to happen in Chicago.) I assured him that I dated a lot in Phoenix (which maybe it wasn't exactly "a lot", but it was definitely happening) and even confessed that I am on eHarmony. I told him I am open to finding someone.
I hated this conversation because everything he said was either something that I worry about or something that I know is true. I know that I need to meet people outside of my current circle of friends, and I have a plan for that. I'm going to join some kind of team through Chicago Sport and Social when I move back to the city. And it's true that most of my girlfriends are married or in serious relationships. I know that soon, all of my friends my age will most likely be married with kids. And even though I'm happy for them, it does kind of suck because they don't have the freedom I have to just pick up and go do fun things. I also realized that I am going to be 30, and that, although it seems like a long time, it really isn't that much time to get married and start a family if I want more than one kid (which I do).
But what am I supposed to do about it? I am who I am. I love my life, and I'm not going to give up the things I'm most passionate about. There's an episode of Sex and the City that really resonated with me. It's the one where Carrie finds out that Big (her ex) is engaged to Natasha. She talks about that movie The Way We Were and how Natasha is a simple girl, whereas she is the girl with the curly hair. I am also the girl with the curly hair. I wish I could be the simple girl, the girl who is easy to be with. I remember my brother saying that once, that guys like to be with girls who are just easy. But I am complicated. The thought of being with one person for the rest of my life freaks me out. I get bored easily. I need freedom and space and excitement. I have a complicated past that not many people understand, but it's shaped me. I would love to find someone to share my life with, but I don't think there are many people out there who fit what I need. I need someone who believes in God, but is liberal (both theologically and politcally). Someone who isn't uncomfortable when I make jokes about my sordid past (meaning that they most likely have a sordid past as well), but is no longer interested in that lifestyle. Someone who is always up for adventure, but is also responsible and has a good job. And someone who will give me space; I really value my time by myself.
That list is on top of the standard must-haves: funny, smart, good-looking, etc. So I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for Mr. Right. And I'm not going to settle, either. I'm not going to compromise something that's important to me and get married just to be married. Obviously, I'd like to meet someone to share my life with, but I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.
I've worked hard for a while to be happpy with my singleness, and I finally am. This conversation almost caused a signifcant setback. But, when you think about it, it's all out of my control, anyway. There are some things I can do to help with the situation- stay at a healthy weight (I'll get back on track with that after the holidays :)), get my finances in order, be emotionally healthy, etc. I can do my best to be open-minded about the guys I meet, and work on expanding my social network. But if those things are happening, and I still don't meet the right person, I'm okay with that. That's a possibility I've accepted. The difficult part is getting other people in my life to accept that. Society makes being single in your 30's cause for pity. I don't care so much about other people, but I'd at least like for my family to not worry about me and feel sorry for me. I love my life. And, if I'm still single ten years from now and decide I want a kid, I can make that happen. There is no reason to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm confident that things will turn out the way they're supposed to.
Comments
I think that no one can put a date on when you're supposed to get married, or have babies, or meet mr. right.
that just doesn't happen.
i remember in college thinking to myself that i will get married at 26 and have babies by 30. boy, was i way off!
i think your dad, and your family shows concern because they have a different mindset. most of them married their high school/college sweetheart. i know our parents did, and i am sure most of our friends' parents did too.
anyways. who cares if you are single. who cares if you aren't. you either will or won't find that mr. right for you. but, i know that when finding mr. right, he may not exactly fit your expectations.
i know a lot of my married girlfriends married someone who was kinda the opposite of what they expected to say those magical words, "i do."
what i am trying to say... is go out there. have fun. be open to meet new people. but be open to the possibility that your man may not be exactly what you expected. and that's the best part about love. it is totally the unexpected. you can't help your feelings. you feel like a magnet is pulling you towards that person and then you just find a way to compromise to one another's lifestyle...
trust me it's out there. just be open to it.
i love you!
-Fancy
The litmus test for me is whether you are happy and growing, and I think you everyone close to you knows that you are. If your path doesn't follow a formula that you or others think is familiar or logical, so what? And not only so what, but good, because it seems exactly what you need - an uncommon path of adventure, and you end up where you want and need to be at each step. I don't know that anyone ever totally outgrows self doubt, but maybe we get better at making decisions that only we can make for ourselves, whether or not it's what others expect of us...