After the nice email C. sent me last week, I started feeling guilty. I talked to a friend about it what I should do, and she made a comment about how it depends on how big my heart is. Well, that got to me. So we talked about it more and I came up with a plan. Since it was obvious that C. was not going to leave me alone till I told her we could be friends again, I would send her an email saying we could be friends, but that it wouldn't be like it was before. I would let her think that she's getting her way, but then not respond to texts or phone calls, and when she wants to hang out, I will tell her I'm busy. My friend said she would get the picture eventually, but the drama would stop.
Yesterday I sent C. this email:
"Thank you for your apology. I forgive you. I apologize as well for the misunderstanding. It’s not true that I didn’t care about your grandfather’s death.
We can be friends, but not like we used to be. I think we could have recovered from this (at least to some extent) up until you sent that nasty email. Either you really think those things about me, or you just have the capacity to try to be that hurtful. It doesn’t matter which of those is true; I can't be close friends with someone who would say those things. When I sent you that first email, I was trying to explain what I was upset about because you asked, not because I was trying to be hurtful. You took things to a whole new level with that email.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling better. See you tomorrow."
If you got this email would you think, "Hooray, we're best friends again!"? That certainly was not my intention. And yet, that's what she got from it. She sent me four emails within an hour, going on and on about how I walked away from her and how hurt she was and how she's so glad we're going to be friends again. It still felt like she was putting most of the responsibility on me for everything that happened. Like writing that mean email- she just keeps saying that she wouldn't have done it if I hadn't walked away. Then, she friend requested me on Facebook and MySpace. She also asked if I could text her because she lost her phone. (I have a feeling that's another lie and she just deleted me from her phone book.)
Keeping these boundaries that I've set in place is going to be very difficult. Every time I start to calm down and am ready to be nice, I get what feels like a million phone calls, emails, or texts, and I feel like I can't breathe and I'm back to being angry. She's been told multiple times that I need a break, and this is how she's behaving. Yes, I know that she is just clinging desperately to our friendship because she has like, no girlfriends. But that is her own fault.
Whenever I start to feel guilty, I just remind myself that all this drama was caused by her. After the Florida debacle, I just needed a few days to calm down. I could have gone to work that Monday and been nice, and our friendship could have just tapered off naturally- no drama. Instead, after being told that I needed space, she called, texted, and even showed up at my house, which pushed me into sending that email saying what she'd done (because she kept asking, not because I was trying to be mean) and saying I didn't want to be friends anymore. And then, as you all know, there was the crazy email. She has brought all this drama and heartache on herself. She is an expert at playing the victim. She thinks she can say/do whatever she wants, but as long as she apologizes or explains, then it's all right.
Here is what I predict. She is going to smother me with kindness for the next few weeks, and I will be nice back (at work, anyway). Then, she is going to realize that I am not answering the phone or responding to texts, and it's all going to blow up again. But my email was pretty clear about us not being best friends, right? Am I way out of line for deciding that I don't want to communicate with her outside of work? Should I respond to some of her texts, but not all? She seriously texts like, 10 times a day, usually looking for praise. ("I finished grading papers!" "I worked out!" "I re-organized my closet!")
I just need to make it until summer- 8 weeks. Then I won't have to see her every day at work.
I also want to thank all of my amazing friends for the emails and calls about this. It's nice to know that I'm not an awful person. I really appreciate all of your support and encouragement. Please let me know if you have any more advice!
Yesterday I sent C. this email:
"Thank you for your apology. I forgive you. I apologize as well for the misunderstanding. It’s not true that I didn’t care about your grandfather’s death.
We can be friends, but not like we used to be. I think we could have recovered from this (at least to some extent) up until you sent that nasty email. Either you really think those things about me, or you just have the capacity to try to be that hurtful. It doesn’t matter which of those is true; I can't be close friends with someone who would say those things. When I sent you that first email, I was trying to explain what I was upset about because you asked, not because I was trying to be hurtful. You took things to a whole new level with that email.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling better. See you tomorrow."
If you got this email would you think, "Hooray, we're best friends again!"? That certainly was not my intention. And yet, that's what she got from it. She sent me four emails within an hour, going on and on about how I walked away from her and how hurt she was and how she's so glad we're going to be friends again. It still felt like she was putting most of the responsibility on me for everything that happened. Like writing that mean email- she just keeps saying that she wouldn't have done it if I hadn't walked away. Then, she friend requested me on Facebook and MySpace. She also asked if I could text her because she lost her phone. (I have a feeling that's another lie and she just deleted me from her phone book.)
Keeping these boundaries that I've set in place is going to be very difficult. Every time I start to calm down and am ready to be nice, I get what feels like a million phone calls, emails, or texts, and I feel like I can't breathe and I'm back to being angry. She's been told multiple times that I need a break, and this is how she's behaving. Yes, I know that she is just clinging desperately to our friendship because she has like, no girlfriends. But that is her own fault.
Whenever I start to feel guilty, I just remind myself that all this drama was caused by her. After the Florida debacle, I just needed a few days to calm down. I could have gone to work that Monday and been nice, and our friendship could have just tapered off naturally- no drama. Instead, after being told that I needed space, she called, texted, and even showed up at my house, which pushed me into sending that email saying what she'd done (because she kept asking, not because I was trying to be mean) and saying I didn't want to be friends anymore. And then, as you all know, there was the crazy email. She has brought all this drama and heartache on herself. She is an expert at playing the victim. She thinks she can say/do whatever she wants, but as long as she apologizes or explains, then it's all right.
Here is what I predict. She is going to smother me with kindness for the next few weeks, and I will be nice back (at work, anyway). Then, she is going to realize that I am not answering the phone or responding to texts, and it's all going to blow up again. But my email was pretty clear about us not being best friends, right? Am I way out of line for deciding that I don't want to communicate with her outside of work? Should I respond to some of her texts, but not all? She seriously texts like, 10 times a day, usually looking for praise. ("I finished grading papers!" "I worked out!" "I re-organized my closet!")
I just need to make it until summer- 8 weeks. Then I won't have to see her every day at work.
I also want to thank all of my amazing friends for the emails and calls about this. It's nice to know that I'm not an awful person. I really appreciate all of your support and encouragement. Please let me know if you have any more advice!
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