Faith

My faith is still a mess. I'm still reading my Bible every day. I'm halfway through 1 Samuel, and I'm not liking what I read. There is just so much violence, and it seems like most of it is ordered by God. I can almost understand why He'd want to wipe out evil civilizations (like the ones that practice human sacrifice), but it seems like He always demands that they kill all the babies and animals, too. Killing babies is not okay. I got especially upset during Judges. Chapter 19, the Levite and his concubine, was pretty upsetting. (They're staying in an evil city, and a mob comes to the door wanting to rape the Levite, so they throw his concubine out there and she's raped and killed.) I wanted to throw my Bible at the wall when I got to Judges 11:29-40. Jephthah tells God that if he wins a battle, "whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering." And it's his daughter. So he gives her two months to "roam the hills and weep with (her) friends," and then he "did to her as he had vowed." My friend Whitney found an explanation of this, saying that the girl was like a living sacrifice; her life was dedicated to God, so she was sent away and would never marry. But, it specifically says burnt offering. That crosses a huge line for me. I can't be on board with a god who's okay with human sacrifice. You would think God would just intervene and tell Jephthah not to do it. (It seems like in the Old Testament, God talks to people all the time.

So besides all the violence, which is beyond disturbing, there's also the lack of mercy on God's part. If you messed up, that was it; no second chances. For example, last night I was reading about Saul. God told him to attack these people and kill every man, woman, child, and animal. Saul didn't quite follow directions; he kept some of the good animals. God was angry, but Saul was sorry and asked for forgiveness. But God "rejected" him.

There are lots of implications to all this. People seem to think we should just go by God's character in the New Testament, but God doesn't change, right? I can't imagine that His character would change so drastically over time. I am not a great person; I make mistakes all the time. There have been times when I knew what God expected of me, but I made the wrong choice over and over. Reading the Old Testament makes me think that God has probably just given up on me. When I first started having faith issues, I felt like God was indifferent to me. Now, I think He actively dislikes me. Because I'm a lot worse than those Israelites.

What really creeps me out is that I can actually understand that crazy Pat Robertson's point of view. Whenever there's a natural disaster, he says it's because the people there were evil. I just can't believe that would be true, but that kind of thing would be consistent with this God of the Old Testament.

I know I'm not the first one to struggle with all the violence in the Old Testament, but I haven't heard any explanations yet that make this okay. We can't just read the New Testament and act like the Old Testament never happened. So, in summary, I'm going to keep reading, but I'm still a mess.