Sorry for all the running posts. That's mostly what I have going on right now and takes up most of my thinking. I know I think about it too much, because I met this guy, and he was cool and everything, and I liked him, but our schedules were really hard to coordinate, and I blew him off a couple of times to run, and that's when I knew I shouldn't see him again...
Today I was supposed to go for a run with Nina. I asked her to run with me because I've never run with anyone before, and I'm having all this anxiety over running with Joe, so I thought Nina could help. And then I realized today that I was even nervous to run with her. What the heck?? And I thought about running a 5k at Freeze Fest with Jason like we'd talked about, and realized I don't want to run with him, either. I don't want to run with anyone. Part of it is embarrassment, part of it is guilt that they'll have to run super slow with me, and the other part of it is something irrational I haven't figured out yet.
So I texted Nina:
"Aaaahh!! Nina, I'm nervous to run with you! What's wrong with me? We've been friends for 15 years!!!"
"You are insane. You need professional help, that's all I can come up with."
(A few hours later)
"Hey, I'm actually thinking we should skip the run, together at least. I'm almost home and it's about to rain... I should just run now, and we can do dinner later."
"I think you are just trying to get out of running with me..."
"Hey, I'm just trying to save you from a cold, rainy run... Check the radar..."
I immediately felt guilty for attempting to be manipulative, so I asked Nina how she felt about running in the rain. If she didn't mind, I would've followed through. Luckily, she admitted that she hates it, so I didn't feel guilty going without her. I had a lovely run, although it did pour for the last 5 minutes, so I went out just in time.
When I met Nina for dinner, she asked me about the anxiety, and it all came pouring out. Her reactions were entertaining. At one point, she just buried her head in her hands. Occasionally I wonder if I should be concerned that, when I'm completely honest about what's going on inside my head, this is a common reaction. That, or I've been told I give people headaches.
Nina tried to make sense of the anxiety, but when you have an actual anxiety disorder, there is no logic. That is the unfunny part of this.
But there was definitely a lot of laughing about the things I worry about (my clothes, blowing my nose, slight inclines, my music, the temperature, the time of day...). Nina commented that, for most people, running is therapy. But for me, running is going to cause me to need therapy. "I feel like you're the only person I know who running is emotionally bad for," she said. "How do you carry around that much stress??? Did it replace something else? Or did you just add that to the other things you stress about?" (The answer is it did not replace anything.)
The topic changed to what it's like to run with other people. Specifically, how much conversation is typical, and if it's okay for me to listen to music while running with Joe. I told Nina I can't talk while I'm running because it will mess up my breathing. Somehow this led to the fact that I breathe through my nose the whole time I run, and apparently this makes me a big weirdo.
Nina just couldn't even understand how it was possible. I texted Jason:
"Okay, need you to settle a debate: mouth breathing while running- is it a necessity?"
"Yes, most of the time"
"Seriously???"
"If you nose breathe all the time, you are jogging."
"Well, you said slow..."
"That's good for right now. Be patient."
So, I knew I wasn't ACTUALLY running. I knew I was jogging. I guess I should be more careful to make that distinction, though, so people don't think I'm actually a runner.
Hi, I'm Erin. I like Mumford and Sons, making crafts from Pinterest, and jogging.
Jogging sounds so lame. But it's true.
Knowing that I jog like a total freak has caused even more anxiety about jogging with Joe. I said to Nina, "This is so bad... he's going to find out how much I'm freaking out, and then he'll think I'm a total nutcase."
"Erin... don't you think Joe has gotten at least a glimpse of your craziness?"
If life were a sitcom, this is where a montage of moments would flash through my head.
Point taken. Joe definitely knows that I have issues.
I just want this race to be over. I never should have signed up. Stupid "Fearless" resolution...
Today I was supposed to go for a run with Nina. I asked her to run with me because I've never run with anyone before, and I'm having all this anxiety over running with Joe, so I thought Nina could help. And then I realized today that I was even nervous to run with her. What the heck?? And I thought about running a 5k at Freeze Fest with Jason like we'd talked about, and realized I don't want to run with him, either. I don't want to run with anyone. Part of it is embarrassment, part of it is guilt that they'll have to run super slow with me, and the other part of it is something irrational I haven't figured out yet.
So I texted Nina:
"Aaaahh!! Nina, I'm nervous to run with you! What's wrong with me? We've been friends for 15 years!!!"
"You are insane. You need professional help, that's all I can come up with."
(A few hours later)
"Hey, I'm actually thinking we should skip the run, together at least. I'm almost home and it's about to rain... I should just run now, and we can do dinner later."
"I think you are just trying to get out of running with me..."
"Hey, I'm just trying to save you from a cold, rainy run... Check the radar..."
I immediately felt guilty for attempting to be manipulative, so I asked Nina how she felt about running in the rain. If she didn't mind, I would've followed through. Luckily, she admitted that she hates it, so I didn't feel guilty going without her. I had a lovely run, although it did pour for the last 5 minutes, so I went out just in time.
When I met Nina for dinner, she asked me about the anxiety, and it all came pouring out. Her reactions were entertaining. At one point, she just buried her head in her hands. Occasionally I wonder if I should be concerned that, when I'm completely honest about what's going on inside my head, this is a common reaction. That, or I've been told I give people headaches.
Nina tried to make sense of the anxiety, but when you have an actual anxiety disorder, there is no logic. That is the unfunny part of this.
But there was definitely a lot of laughing about the things I worry about (my clothes, blowing my nose, slight inclines, my music, the temperature, the time of day...). Nina commented that, for most people, running is therapy. But for me, running is going to cause me to need therapy. "I feel like you're the only person I know who running is emotionally bad for," she said. "How do you carry around that much stress??? Did it replace something else? Or did you just add that to the other things you stress about?" (The answer is it did not replace anything.)
The topic changed to what it's like to run with other people. Specifically, how much conversation is typical, and if it's okay for me to listen to music while running with Joe. I told Nina I can't talk while I'm running because it will mess up my breathing. Somehow this led to the fact that I breathe through my nose the whole time I run, and apparently this makes me a big weirdo.
Nina just couldn't even understand how it was possible. I texted Jason:
"Okay, need you to settle a debate: mouth breathing while running- is it a necessity?"
"Yes, most of the time"
"Seriously???"
"If you nose breathe all the time, you are jogging."
"Well, you said slow..."
"That's good for right now. Be patient."
So, I knew I wasn't ACTUALLY running. I knew I was jogging. I guess I should be more careful to make that distinction, though, so people don't think I'm actually a runner.
Hi, I'm Erin. I like Mumford and Sons, making crafts from Pinterest, and jogging.
Jogging sounds so lame. But it's true.
Knowing that I jog like a total freak has caused even more anxiety about jogging with Joe. I said to Nina, "This is so bad... he's going to find out how much I'm freaking out, and then he'll think I'm a total nutcase."
"Erin... don't you think Joe has gotten at least a glimpse of your craziness?"
If life were a sitcom, this is where a montage of moments would flash through my head.
Point taken. Joe definitely knows that I have issues.
I just want this race to be over. I never should have signed up. Stupid "Fearless" resolution...
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