I am asked "How are you?" many times throughout the day, and during the past week or so, I'm not sure how to answer that.
Life, in general, is good. I had a great weekend last weekend. Had a two hour lunch with my new friend Allison, who I think is seriously one of the coolest people I've ever met. Ann and Allison are good friends, and Ann told me the other day that she and Allison have gigantic girl crushes on me, which is awesome because I feel exactly the same way about them. Whitney and I had dinner at Kopi Cafe, one of my favorite Chicago spots, and we hung out at her place, halfheartedly crafting and mostly just enjoying our conversation. Veronica (another new friend/neighbor) and I tried a yoga studio down the street on Sunday morning, and then she joined me for my weekly pilgrammage up to the Jewish deli in Skokie. Sunday night I took a bubble bath and sang Billie Holiday songs, then read some of "On the Road" before going to bed. I mean, life doesn't get much better than that.
Work has been awesome, too. During the past week, I have seen hard work pay off. Kids are learning to read. Kids are discussing books and using the strategies I've been teaching. It's magic, and maybe I'll write about that in another post. I am excited to go to work every day.
But then, there is this whole losing-my-job thing hanging over my head. I still have six days before I officially get my letter, but it looks like this is happening. So then the next question is, how long do I wait for them to call me back? End of the school year? That pretty much never happens; they wait till summer. And, under these circumstances, I can't wait it out again like I did last year. Which means I'd be moving in 11 weeks.
June 1 sounds far away, but 11 weeks does not. That's only 11 more weekends of seeing friends. Actually, 9 more weekends, because I'll be gone for two. My plan is to move out at the end of May, go to Phoenix, drop off my stuff in storage, and then still spend June and July in Utah and California. I'll literally be homeless for two months. I'll be a hobo. It's going to be awesome.
But the thought of packing up my apartment again is completely overwhelming. And when I think about leaving my family, I remember how hard it was last time and want to cry. My parents don't fly. They drove out to Phoenix to see me once, and I still remember my mom texting me after they left: "We're at 7th Street and Dunlap." (Down the street from me.) "Miss you already." Every time they'd drop me off at the airport, I'd be fighting tears. Yes, we're terrible about seeing each other even though I live 45 minutes away, but I hated them being 2,000 miles away.
Other things bothering me:
And I think about my church, that I looked forward to attending every week. I have yet to find another church as special as Trinity. I am reading Rob Bell's new book, and for the first time, I feel like I'm not hearing anything new. I want to email my pastor from Phoenix and be like, "Um, did you write Rob's book for him? Because he stole your material."
I think about Rachel and Mico and Carmen, who are like family. Their house feels like a second home to me. I miss them so much it hurts.
Not to mention how much I miss Kristin, who I am seriously in a long distance relationship with. Kristin and I joke that we talk to each other more than anyone else. I bought her a friendship card the other day with two ducks on the front of it that said, "I'd folllow you anywhere." The inside said, "The view from behind is great." I thought this was perfect. Kristin has a great ass; I have been up close and personal with it and can attest to its greatness. (This is what canyoneering does to you.) After mailing it, I started thinking that I may have actually grabbed that card from the romance section. I love what that says about our friendship.
Anyway, I digress. The point is, there are many people in Phoenix I miss.
I also miss:
I am secretly hoping that I lose my job, because then the decision is kind of out of my hands. I'm forced to take action, rather than leaving a comfortable life. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do that on my own.
And in this period of waiting, I am all over the place. All the thoughts I listed above are racing through my head. I'm starting to budget, apply for jobs, do everything I can to get ready for this, and I haven't even gotten the letter yet.
I keep telling myself to calm down.
Some days that works, others, not so much. The other night I had a panic attack that was pretty awful because I was out of Xanax and it was super windy and snowing, so I couldn't just run out the door like I usually do. I tried doing sun salutations, but it's hard to link your breath to your movements when you're hyperventilating. So I hula hooped my way through it. (Jenna would be proud.)
Anyway, this was a really long post, and I have to get my day started, but I just needed to get this all out. I am all over the place right now. I need to keep reminding myself: Calm. Peace. I know everything's going to be okay. I just have to get through this period of transition.
Life, in general, is good. I had a great weekend last weekend. Had a two hour lunch with my new friend Allison, who I think is seriously one of the coolest people I've ever met. Ann and Allison are good friends, and Ann told me the other day that she and Allison have gigantic girl crushes on me, which is awesome because I feel exactly the same way about them. Whitney and I had dinner at Kopi Cafe, one of my favorite Chicago spots, and we hung out at her place, halfheartedly crafting and mostly just enjoying our conversation. Veronica (another new friend/neighbor) and I tried a yoga studio down the street on Sunday morning, and then she joined me for my weekly pilgrammage up to the Jewish deli in Skokie. Sunday night I took a bubble bath and sang Billie Holiday songs, then read some of "On the Road" before going to bed. I mean, life doesn't get much better than that.
Work has been awesome, too. During the past week, I have seen hard work pay off. Kids are learning to read. Kids are discussing books and using the strategies I've been teaching. It's magic, and maybe I'll write about that in another post. I am excited to go to work every day.
But then, there is this whole losing-my-job thing hanging over my head. I still have six days before I officially get my letter, but it looks like this is happening. So then the next question is, how long do I wait for them to call me back? End of the school year? That pretty much never happens; they wait till summer. And, under these circumstances, I can't wait it out again like I did last year. Which means I'd be moving in 11 weeks.
June 1 sounds far away, but 11 weeks does not. That's only 11 more weekends of seeing friends. Actually, 9 more weekends, because I'll be gone for two. My plan is to move out at the end of May, go to Phoenix, drop off my stuff in storage, and then still spend June and July in Utah and California. I'll literally be homeless for two months. I'll be a hobo. It's going to be awesome.
But the thought of packing up my apartment again is completely overwhelming. And when I think about leaving my family, I remember how hard it was last time and want to cry. My parents don't fly. They drove out to Phoenix to see me once, and I still remember my mom texting me after they left: "We're at 7th Street and Dunlap." (Down the street from me.) "Miss you already." Every time they'd drop me off at the airport, I'd be fighting tears. Yes, we're terrible about seeing each other even though I live 45 minutes away, but I hated them being 2,000 miles away.
Other things bothering me:
- I know I won't keep up with my running in Phoenix. I can run in the cold, but not the extreme heat.
- While I do love the desert, I miss green when I'm in Phoenix. I miss walking barefoot in the grass. I will miss living across the street from my beautiful park.
- I miss the seasons. Winter sucks, but it makes spring even more beautiful.
- I'll miss my friends. But that almost goes without saying.
- And oh, there's the huge issue of the fact that teaching jobs in Phoenix pay practically nothing, so I'm not totally sure how I'd pay my bills. I'll have to work two jobs.
And I think about my church, that I looked forward to attending every week. I have yet to find another church as special as Trinity. I am reading Rob Bell's new book, and for the first time, I feel like I'm not hearing anything new. I want to email my pastor from Phoenix and be like, "Um, did you write Rob's book for him? Because he stole your material."
I think about Rachel and Mico and Carmen, who are like family. Their house feels like a second home to me. I miss them so much it hurts.
Not to mention how much I miss Kristin, who I am seriously in a long distance relationship with. Kristin and I joke that we talk to each other more than anyone else. I bought her a friendship card the other day with two ducks on the front of it that said, "I'd folllow you anywhere." The inside said, "The view from behind is great." I thought this was perfect. Kristin has a great ass; I have been up close and personal with it and can attest to its greatness. (This is what canyoneering does to you.) After mailing it, I started thinking that I may have actually grabbed that card from the romance section. I love what that says about our friendship.
Anyway, I digress. The point is, there are many people in Phoenix I miss.
I also miss:
- My favorite restaurants (La Grande Orange, the bagel place, Green, Chino Bandito, etc.)
- Sunshine and the bluest skies you'll ever see
- Hiking every weekend
I am secretly hoping that I lose my job, because then the decision is kind of out of my hands. I'm forced to take action, rather than leaving a comfortable life. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do that on my own.
And in this period of waiting, I am all over the place. All the thoughts I listed above are racing through my head. I'm starting to budget, apply for jobs, do everything I can to get ready for this, and I haven't even gotten the letter yet.
I keep telling myself to calm down.
Some days that works, others, not so much. The other night I had a panic attack that was pretty awful because I was out of Xanax and it was super windy and snowing, so I couldn't just run out the door like I usually do. I tried doing sun salutations, but it's hard to link your breath to your movements when you're hyperventilating. So I hula hooped my way through it. (Jenna would be proud.)
Anyway, this was a really long post, and I have to get my day started, but I just needed to get this all out. I am all over the place right now. I need to keep reminding myself: Calm. Peace. I know everything's going to be okay. I just have to get through this period of transition.
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Abby