You don't have to read this

I know this is going to be long. My blog is like my journal, and I thought that writing about my thoughts might help me. So this will probably be long and boring.

This month, I’ve been feeling very restless. This definitely isn’t an unusual feeling for me. You can tell by my previous posts that there are all these things I want to do, and I can’t decide between them. I know that the way I think about things is complicated, and that it’s silly to be worrying about next year right now. But I can’t help it. The other day at lunch, I decided to ask my coworkers for advice. When I started explaining, Charity told me to be quiet because I was giving her a headache. Michelle just didn’t understand what I was worrying about. But Chad got it. And he said he can totally picture me just picking up and moving and starting an adventure somewhere else.

This is exactly what I want to do. But then I start thinking of the logistics of it all, and I don’t know if I could. Do I really want to be that far away from my family? I know they wouldn’t come visit; they’ve only been to see me in the city once, and I’ve lived here for nine months. My dad works five minutes away in the loop, but he hates being in the city and doesn’t want to be here when he doesn’t have to be. And my friends are pretty much broke like I am, so they wouldn’t be able to come visit much either. And since teachers don’t get paid much in other parts of the country, I wouldn’t be able to afford to come home very often. Chicago pays teachers really well- do I really want to give up a comfortable salary?

On top of those things, there’s also the fact that I’d be moving alone. I love to go have adventures and find new things to do. That’s the big appeal of moving. Sometimes it’s okay to go by yourself, but for the most part, you need a partner in crime. I have many partners in crime here in Chicago. But I can just picture myself in some random city, wanting to go out and try new things, but not wanting to go by myself. So overall, I just don’t know if moving somewhere by myself would be the best idea.

What I should do is stay here. I’ve created a life for myself that I’m very happy with. If I stay in my district, I’d make $10,000 more next year than I do now- I’d finally have some money. And if I stay one more year, I can take all those classes at Governor’s State to get my reading endorsement. What I really want to do is teach reading; I shouldn’t have wasted time on my Curriculum and Instruction master’s, although I like that a lot, too. Also, if I stay one more year, it will be easier for me to come up with the money I need for my dad’s retirement gift next January. But my job here is not guaranteed for another year since I’m not tenured and that awful woman who is now consulting for the school board hates me. And that seems like such a long time- 2 more years altogether that I’d be here.

The point is, for whatever reason, I’m just not happy right now. I feel like my friend Abby did that one night at small group, where she was talking about how frustrated she was with her life because she felt like God had all these big things planned for her and she was worried that she was stuck and not going anywhere. Carla’s advice to her was that she was incubating; God was preparing her for all those great things He had planned. (That was the night our name became the Incubators). I’m really feeling like Abby did; I feel like there’s something I’m missing out on, something I need to be doing. I’ve been praying about it- praying that some opportunity will present itself. Until then, I guess I just have to wait. But it’s obvious this feeling is not going away. This has been going on for over two years now. I just wish someone would tell me what I’m supposed to do.