I'm a big fan of music helping you through breakups. Kris and I ended things a few weeks before I left, and it's been hard. I'm still just really sad about the whole thing. I miss him. But you can't make someone love you. There are all these thoughts of, "I should have been sweeter," "I should have tried harder to lose weight," "I should have been more fun/interesting." My wise cousin Beth said that, in Buddhism, this is called the second arrow. The first "arrow" came from Kris, when I suggested that we should break up and he agreed with me. (Not what I wanted to hear!!) But then I kept throwing all these other arrows at myself and making up this narrative about all my shortcomings. Why do we do this to ourselves?? Apparently it's pretty common if Buddha wrote about it. Rather than just dealing with the emotions from the one hurtful thing that happened, we pile on a ton of other hurts.
Anyway, that was way off topic and the point of this post is music. I've been spending a lot of time in the car, so I've been trying to find the right music to help me process my feelings.
"Lemonade" doesn't work because he didn't cheat on me. Miranda Lambert doesn't work because I don't want revenge, I haven't given up on love, and I didn't have a nervous breakdown. Most break up songs are angry, and I have zero anger. I don't have a single bad thing to say about Kris. It would almost be easier if he'd been a complete asshole, because that would make it easier to move on.
The first time I heard it, I missed the line about the guy being with his girl, so I guess it doesn't technically apply. But I don't care, I'm still making it mine.
The song talks about how my life is really great and I'm on my way to all my dreams coming true. And that's the thing- my life is pretty great. I'm happy and I love where things are headed. My happiness did not depend on Kris; he just made everything better.
The song says over and over, "I'd take it all back just to have you." And that's something I was thinking about last week, before I'd even heard the song. I had decided this would be my last summer of vagabonding. I wouldn't have wanted to leave him all summer again. I wasn't even looking forward to it this summer! So next summer would have just been a few short trips, and the next summer would have been the wedding, and the summer after that we'd be trying for babies. So the sentiment in this song about giving up all these great things just to be with someone is something I can relate to.
I think I also love this song because it has a banjo and a mandolin. :)
All of my reflecting has also led me to think that both of us are super cautious because we've been in relationships where we tried too hard to make things work when it just wasn't a good relationship. We had eight months of coasting along and just having fun, but then we got to an issue that needed work and rather than doing that work, we decided we shouldn't be together. Sometimes, I think we gave up too easily.
I have a lot more complicated feelings that I probably shouldn't post on the internet, but this is just what I was thinking about today while hiking the Dungeness Spit.
(The little white spot on the right is Mt. Rainier.)
I saw this ship and wondered where it was coming from and where it was going and what it was carrying.
It was beautiful and relaxing and then I had dinner at IHOP and then got back to my campsite and discovered that my camp chair has been stolen. What is the universe trying to tell me???
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